Dancing In The Rain
by TheDemonsAreInside
Summary: This is all about Lorraine and Nikki's relationship starting a week after the office kiss. I'm obviously miles behind the TV show so I'm just going to take the plot in my own direction. There's also some Lorraine backstory in here. I've got no idea how to write a decent summary, but the story itself should be better so please give it a read and see what you think!
1. Chapter 1

I look down at my plastic dinner tray trying to work out what I've been served. There are some sausages drowning in cheap and nasty green paint with a few green buoys floating about in it. Appetising. It's not quite the perfect dinner date I'd hoped for – sitting in the school dining hall surrounded by rowdy pupils – but it'll do. She'll take my mind off the food; she always does.

The door opens and I hear Tom's voice and then her laughter and I turn around eagerly. Much too eagerly – a pupil might notice. So I quickly look down at my tray again, pushing the mess around with a fork, waiting whilst she collects her food and comes to join me. My eyes flicker up in welcome as she approaches the table. She's in a navy jumper – low-cut and very tight. Perfect.

She sits opposite me, resting her elbows in the table, her rolled up sleeves showing off her muscular arms and I want them around me, pulling me closer, keeping me safe. Get out of it Lorraine, I think to myself. She's saying something, laughing, flashing her teeth and I'm looking at them, looking at her lips, thinking about how they feel against my own.

"Aye aye, lookin' fine Miss!" a shout comes from somewhere behind me and I turn around. It's Barry Barry and he's leering at Nikki. Waves of jealousy build up inside me and crash down, and I don't know what to say so I shove a forkful of the mushy mess on my plastic tray into my mouth. I gag as it hits my taste buds, choking it down. I'm used to £500 hand-prepared meals in exclusive restaurants, not cheap mass-produced shit. I inject ridiculous sums of money into this school, more than enough to provide decent quality meals you'd have thought, but it's like a drug addict – the more money it gets, the more it needs, and there's only so much that it's economically viable for me to put in.

Nikki interrupts my thoughts. "You okay?" she asks, and the concern in her voice is touching. I look up, allowing my eyes to meet hers, and we share a moment of perfect intimacy, despite not a word being spoken. And then the moment's over.

She puts her hand on the table, close to my own – so close that we're almost touching. Too close. I draw mine back across the table, away from hers, and I can see the hurt in her eyes, but I can also see that she understands. To most people I'm cruel, heartless Lorraine Donnegan with more money than sense, but Nikki knows me better than that. I hope. At least, she knows my insecurities and my fears, and she accepts them, and that's why I love her.

With a smirk she kicks me gently under the table and her touch feels electric, and for a moment it's just her and me and no-one else and we're both laughing. But then I feel the stares from all over the room, burning into me, ripping me to pieces. I try to make the meal look like a casual meeting between co-workers, asking Nikki how her morning was, stumbling over my words in my rush to get them out of my mouth.

"It was alright, I guess," she begins. And she talks about life in the PRU and the kids in there and how they've been driving her up the wall. I give a few non-committal grunts, and a few sympathetic nods, but I'm not really listening – I'm thinking about that first kiss, and it's hard to think that it was just a week ago because it feels like I've been with Nikki for a lifetime.

We were in her office, and she was standing in the middle of the room and I was sitting on her chair trying to distract myself from my thoughts about her by gabbling a load of shit about the school, and she was playing along, taunting me by saying that she wanted to prove herself to me and I didn't know what to do so I just kept blithering on about the school and walking closer and closer to her until I could see her face right in front of my own and her perfect eyes and her perfect lips and I could feel her warm breath on my face and all the lies that I'd ever told myself broke up into tiny pieces because you can't lie to yourself forever, and I finally gave into myself, gave into the world, and leant forward to kiss her. And it felt so right and for a moment I couldn't remember why I had waited for so long. But then I did and all of the memories came flooding back and I pulled away, expecting to hear the shouts and the taunts, expecting to feel the fists beat against my body, and for someone to use my own blood to scrawl the word DYKE across my forehead. But there was nobody there except her and she was looking at me, and maybe it was a trick of the light, but there wasn't rejection in her eyes, but longing, and she leaned in for another kiss, and I kissed her back, feeling her lips against my own, savouring the taste, looking into her eyes to see whether this was just some cruel joke, but how could this be wrong when it felt so right?

"Erm Lorraine... You okay?" Nikki's voice drags me out of the past and she's there, leaning across the table towards me, and my eyes flicker over her face and the temptation to kiss her is building but I can't do it. Not here. So I just laugh and murmur some shit about money worries and she nods like she understands.

"Look," I begin. "Let's go to your office – I can't hear my own thoughts, let alone your voice over this racket." She nods, and puts my tray on top of her own and takes them over to the disposal rack and I'm watching her walk away from me, thinking about how lucky I am to have her. She dumps the trays, exchanges a quick word with some kid with bright red hair, and then strides back towards me confidently.

We walk to her office, the clickety-clack of my red-heeled heels in time with the heavy stomp of her boots. She closes the door and then she's next to me, and her arms are wrapped around my body and I can feel her heartbeat hammering against my chest, and I'm sure that she can feel mine too. And then her lips are skating against my own and she's forcing me against the wall, holding me there, and this is dangerous and we both know it but I don't want this moment to end so I just press my lips even harder against hers.

There's a crash in the distance and we're torn from our own idyllic little world, and I fling myself onto a chair and pretend to be leafing through files. I hear feet coming down the corridor and I look up at Nikki and her cheeks are a little too red and there's a guilty look in her eyes which I know is reflected in my own, but I force my eyes back down to the file in my hand and I see lists of names and figures and numbers and the door's opening and someone's coming in.


	2. Chapter 2

**Sorry about this chapter. Self harm references. Thanks for the reviews - they're much appreciated!**

Tom steps into the room and glances around it, his eyes raking over Nikki who's leaning against the wall with messed up hair and a guilty expression on her face. Then his eyes move onto me, and a look of confusion flitters across his face because I'm out of place here. He decides to ignore me and walks over to Nikki.

"Hey," she smiles at him and all at once I'm seething with jealousy. He grins back, a horrible cheesy grin. Then he has the fucking nerve to ask her out for a drink. And she's looking back at him, like a rabbit caught in the headlights, and she's turning to look at me and I wonder whether she can sense the desperate voices in my head screaming 'NO NO NO'.

She looks back at him, and she's opening and closing her mouth like a fish out of water, and I'm struck with a delirious desire to laugh because the situation's so ironic. Nikki asked me out for a drink a few months ago and I didn't know what to say because the worst half of me still pretended to believe the lies that I told myself every day and night and so I didn't let her in. And maybe Tom just wants a casual conversation with her over drinks, and maybe it's horribly selfish of me to be silently willing Nikki to say 'no', but I've seen the way that he looks at her, his constant attempts to please her, and I guess I'm just terrified that she'll prefer him, even though all logic is against it.

And then Nikki speaks. "I'm really sorry Tom, but I've got a heap of marking to do so I'm gonna be busy tonight... Another time maybe?" I feel a sigh of relief escape through my lips and they both turn to look at me so I turn it into an unconvincing cough before looking down at the file in my hands to see a list of the PRU students and their predicted grades. The paper is littered with Fs and Es, a bit like my own exam results sheet. And I remember my mum and dad's angry faces, and their furious yells, and the feel of my dad's belt against my skin. And I ran to my room and cried and cried and Sonya came to comfort me but I sent her away and cried some more. I was drowning in tears of self-pity; pushing away the ones that truly cared about me.

Tom comes to the desk and picks up a few folders and I glance at his face. It's red. Burning red. Red like the blood that ran as I dragged that blade across my wrist over and over in my room all those years back in my desperate bid to get away from myself. And as I watch Tom struggle to hide his embarrassment, a cruel satisfaction runs through me. And I think he notices because he's giving me another weird look, and then he's gone, the door slamming shut behind him.

Nikki breathes out heavily as he plods down the corridor away from us, and we look at each other from across the room. She tells me not to worry about him, and there's something reassuring in her voice that makes me feel guilty for doubting their friendship. She walks over to me and puts a heavy hand on each shoulder, leaning towards me (giving me a happy eyeful in the process), planting a perfectly delicate kiss on my lips. And I want this kiss to last forever. And I want to keep this moment and lock it up in a little box and keep it safe from the wicked ways of the world.

But she's pulling away. And walking away. And leaving. Because the bell's gone off. And she has to go. And so do , because there's no real need for me to be here anymore – Michael's spending the day teaching and a quick glance at my phone confirms that I have no meetings scheduled. So I can go home, though it isn't really home because home is where the heart is and my heart's with Nikki, and Nikki's in the PRU yelling at unruly teenagers, fighting an uphill battle to install a sense of discipline in them.

Clickety-clack. Clickety-clack. I'm walking down the corridor alone this time, passing 'my quote' on the wall. 'You can start something great from virtually nothing.' The words look horribly awkward and conspicuous on the wall and I never even said them – it was probably someone in PR.

And I'm in the car park, walking between the battered cars to my Ferrari, or my 'baby' as I used to call it back when I replaced people with possessions because I thought that possessions were less likely to break my heart. Then the car got nicked, and though I put on a show of caring I couldn't have given a shit about it because in the end it really was just a possession; replaceable.

The expensive Italian leather feels cool against my bare legs. I turn the key in the ignition and the car shudders as it comes to life. And my foot's on the accelerator, and I'm on the road going faster than I should because speed drowns out the demons. And I'm remembering the feel of her lips against my own, her arms wrapped around me, her body pressed against mine, and half of me loves it and half of me hates it because despite all the little white lies that I've told Nikki, I'm still achingly insecure about everything.

I arrive at my house quicker than normal, which is to be expected I guess considering the speed at which I was travelling, and I feel more alone than ever as I crash down on my massive sofa in my massive house.

It's six o'clock when I'm unceremoniously jerked out of the safety of my dreams by the sound of the doorbell and the pounding of fists on my door. My eyes are bleary as I stumble to the door still half-asleep. I peer through the little window that was put in place for my safety to see who's outside. And it's her. Of course it is. And I open the door to let her in, with a big smile on my face and an even bigger smile in my heart.


	3. Chapter 3

**Sorry that this is getting progressively worse as it goes on. It'll get better. I hope. Thanks for the reviews!**

Nikki's got changed since I last saw her. She's now wearing a pair of dark skinny jeans, another low-cut top (this time in green), and a massive smile to match my own. And I'm looking at her face and her lips and I want to kiss her right here but the door's open and someone might see, so I usher her in and shut the door behind her. I turn around and she's there, forcing my back into the door and our lips meet and for a short moment everything in the world is good again, but then she's tearing away from me and stepping back and looking me up and down. I look down too and realise that I'm still wearing the same dress that I wore to school – a black, lacy thing, now slightly crumpled at the bottom, and she's noticed the familiar outfit too and she's asking me if I want any help getting out of my work clothes, a smirk playing across her face as she says this.

And I know that she's only joking, but before she's even finished getting the suggestive words out of her perfect lips I'm trying to wriggle of her grip, trying to get away from her, receding into my shell because I'm simply not ready for the level of physical intimacy that would be sure to follow her essentially helping me to strip. Nikki's standing there looking at me with a look of awkward confusion and so I spit a load of random garbled shit at her for what can only be described as the weakest and most pathetic explanation to ever find its way out of my mouth. Great work, Lorraine.

She's stepping away from me to give me some space, her face the epitome of confusion, because everything I'm trying to tell her now contradicts everything I've ever told her about being completely comfortable with this relationship, and I know that hearing this is breaking her heart. Because I've lied to her. And that's unforgivable. I don't know how long we're there for, looking at each other, both of us trying to work out what the other is thinking, and I'm silently willing her to say something, to tell me that everything's okay, that she forgives me, but she's still staring at me; her face now vacant, her eyes giving nothing away.

"Nikki," I begin desperately. "I'm sorry..." and I'm off, sharing with her my fears of rejection, telling her that I just wanted her to be happy, pouring my heart out to her and praying that it won't be futile. And her face is softening, and she's next to me again, wrapping her arms around me, pulling my body next to her own and it feels so right and I'm leaning into her, trying to get my lips to reach hers but she moves one arm to put a single finger on my lips, silencing me, keeping back my kisses, preventing me from sharing my passion.

"Lorraine," she says. "Nothing could stop me from loving you." And she's moving the finger and our lips are crashing against each other and our tongues are chasing each other in circles and she's pressing me back into the door again, my spine crashing hard against the oak, but I don't care. I don't care about anything in this moment except this beautiful, perfect woman in front of me. And our limbs are intertwined and we are one and she is me and me is we and I love her.

And this time, for the first time in forever, the demons are leaving me alone as I kiss the lips of the woman I love, and I can't hear the voices and the screams telling me that this is all wrong, that there should be a man's muscled arms around me and rough lips skating against my own. I can't hear my dad's angry voice telling me that I liked men but I wasn't enough in touch with my emotions to know it. I can't hear the voice of the vicar telling me that it was a sin to like girls and that should I act on my feelings I would burn in hell. I can't hear the cruel taunts of the girls in my year, the flurry of feet as they shuffled away from me in the changing room so that the 'lezbo didn't perve' on them.

My phone rings, and I'm tearing my lips away from hers, rolling my eyes and picking it up. It's Tom. I pick it up, greeting him very loudly so that Nikki knows who it is. He's asking me where Nikki is. "Not here." He apologises for disturbing me. And hangs up.

Nikki's moving in to kiss me again, but I can't bring myself to kiss her back. I'm thinking about Tom and his obsession with Nikki and why he called me to ask where she was. Did he know? Did he sense that there was something more between Nikki and I than we were letting on? What if he tells the others? What if Christine finds out and tells Connor and then he tells all of his little friends and then I become the laughing stock of the pupils? I think Nikki knows what I'm thinking because she's wrapping her arms around me protectively, keeping me close, whispering in my ear that it'll be fine, that Tom's just a bit desperate and that him ringing me means nothing because he's probably gone through his phonebook ringing everyone he knows to find out where she is.

And we spend the evening drinking and talking and laughing and generally enjoying each other's company and we're sitting next to each other on the sofa and her leg's pressed gently against mine and her arm is over my shoulder and I'm snuggling into her and it's just her and me and all of the things that we never need to say and it's perfect.

It's eleven o'clock before even a minute has passed because every minute lasts a lifetime when I'm with the woman of my dreams. I usually go to bed at eleven, but I'm all too aware of Nikki's head on my lap and I can't just ask her to get up and go but we can't stay like this all night. She's talking about Kacey Barry and her 'problems'. I wonder what the vicar would say to her. He couldn't just quote Leviticus 18:22 at her as she cowered in the corner of the room because she wouldn't give a shit, and now I wish that I hadn't either. Dad told me that the vicar would 'cure me'. It was only many years later that I finally asked myself the question 'of what?' and I wish I'd asked it sooner, before the endless years of self-hate and shame. Not that thinking about my past is going to help my present, because it isn't. I could, of course, ask her to come to bed with me, or offer her the spare bedroom but I don't want her to have the expectations of the former or the sense of cold-hearted rejection of the latter, and I don't know what to think or what to do so I just kiss her forehead whilst the stars overhead twinkle their approval.


	4. Chapter 4

**Mature content warning. I don't want to ruin things but if you're sensitive then skip out paragraph 4. It's nothing graphic, but I guess it might upset some people. Hope you enjoy!**

Her eyelids are gently flickering and I can tell that I'm about to lose her as she drifts into the land of her dreams. And I've made up my mind; I'm going to ask her if she wants to sleep in my bed with me, emphasising the 'sleep' part so that there's no expectations, because it wouldn't be fair to ask her to sleep here on the sofa. I'm stumbling over my words as I try to get them out of my mouth, and they're almost incomprehensible, but she understands and stands up. Then I take her by the hand and lead her to my bedroom, flicking on the lights as we enter.

I go into my en-suite to get into some nightclothes, and I come out a couple of minutes later to see skin. A lot of it. There's a pile of clothes on the floor, and Nikki's sitting on my bed wearing matching navy underwear and nothing else. And half of me likes it because there's no denying that she has a fantastic figure, but the other half of me is embarrassed by the amount of flesh on display. So I give in to my worst half and offer her some pyjamas. But she says that she's fine sleeping in just her underwear so I shrug and climb into my bed.

The bed is Super King and I'm at one end and she's at the other and I want to get closer to her, close enough to feel her warmth, to feel her smooth bare skin against me, and so I wriggle a bit towards her, and she wriggles a bit towards me under my soft silk sheets. And I feel her foot brush against my own, and it tickles so I laugh in spite of my inner fears that she'll take my wriggling as an invitation for something more. And then her arms are around me and mine are around her and we're locked in a perfect embrace, her legs cool against my own. Our limbs are entangled, and I'm gazing into her cobalt eyes and then my eyes travel down her face onto her lips. And she's opening them slightly and I can't resist. So I lean in and kiss her.

It's a slow kiss; passionate. And she's wrapping her arms even tighter around me and closing her eyes, but I can't bring myself to do the same. Because when I close my eyes I see his face next to mine. I see his greying hair, his shining forehead, his bushy black eyebrows. The eyes looking into mine aren't azure oceans but red rimmed black tunnels to a man maddened by the desire to get closer to God. I see the wrinkled bags under his eyes, and his broken nose and his thin lips; rough and harsh against my own. He's dressed in all black. Black like the darkness of a starless night. Black like the bleak emptiness inside me. With a clerical collar around his throat. And he's asking me if I like it. And I'm telling him that I don't. Over and over. Until I understand what he wants. And I say yes. And he leaves me alone in my own little fragment of hell.

Nikki's pulling away from me; her eyes are open now, and full of concern for me and my bleeding soul. I can feel the tears running down my face, wet on my cheeks; tears of anger, tears of sorrow, tears of shame. And it's her turn to kiss my forehead and she doesn't know what to say, but she's trying, oh god she's trying, and she's asking me what's wrong. And I tell her that nothing's wrong because nothing happened because lying to myself and the world is the easiest thing to do.

I think Nikki knows that I don't want to talk right now, and she doesn't force anything out of me, and I'm grateful. I just curl into her side, crying my heart out, watching as the tears trickle onto her body, flowing from her skin onto the sheets, and I want them to crash down like the waves of sorrow and remorse in my mind. But they don't. They just drop pathetically onto the sheets and get soaked up almost at once.

And I'm moving so that my head's on her chest and I can feel her heartbeat hammering a slow, steady beat which is somehow calming. My tears have subsided and I've cleared my mind so that it's just me and her in there and it's my turn to wrap my arms around her and pull her closer to me, and we're kissing again and I'm closing my eyes this time and allowing the feel of her lips on mine to wash over me. And it feels great. It feels more than great. It feels fucking fantastic. And I love it.

It's a long time before I open my eyes, because when I had my eyes shut and she was kissing me it felt like I was flying away from all of the things that were holding me down, and I didn't want to lose that elated feeling of freedom, but I couldn't stay in my perfect world hiding from reality forever, so I opened my eyes to see her looking straight back at me. And I kiss her once on the lips, then crawl out of bed and flick the lights off, plunging both of us into darkness. Then I climb back into bed, and lie next to her, and side by side, skin against skin, we fall asleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**And we're at Chapter 5 already! Hope you enjoy it, and thanks for the lovely reviews you've been giving me! :)**

I wake up at quarter to seven in the morning, the same as every morning, except this morning I'm not alone drowning in the sheer enormity of my bed sheets because she's there; lying next to me, with one arm spread across the bed taking advantage of the mass of space available, and the other lying limply next to mine. Her chest is gently rising and falling, and her eyes are closed and her lips slightly parted like an invitation for me to kiss her. But I don't – of course I don't; I just brush a strand of hair off her face and watch her sleep.

She wakes about ten minutes after me, her eyes slowly flickering open. She notices me watching her and smiles a heavy-eyed smile at me and wishes me 'good morning' in a drowsy voice. And it's a cute voice, it really is, so I roll a bit to be closer to her and kiss her softly on the lips. And she's smiling as she kisses me back and if it weren't for my alarm clock buzzing loudly at 7 o'clock I think we might have stayed that way forever. But we can't; we have to get up and get dressed for work, and as I pull back the covers, revealing Nikki's near-naked body, it hits me that she didn't bring a change of clothes because she didn't expect to stay the night. So I offer to drop her back at her place before changing into a sheer blouse and black skirt, slightly self-conscious as I can feel Nikki's eyes all over me.

I go into the bathroom to freshen up, and come out to see Nikki dressed in the same casual clothes she wore on arrival yesterday. Her hair is messy, and a little tangled. Bed hair. Very sexy. I want to run my hands through it feverishly as our lips collide, but that doesn't really seem appropriate right now, so I grab her hand and lead her to my front door, dropping it as the door swings open. I keep my head down as I stride briskly to my car, opening the door and getting in as quickly as possible, not even bothering to open the door for her in my rush to get inside the car and gain the superficial protection of the blacked out windows. It's not a case of being ashamed of Nikki; it's a case of being ashamed of myself.

My foot's on the accelerator before Nikki's even got her seatbelt on, and we're zooming away. I've run away from my problems as long as I can remember; smoking at school because a clear drugged-up head was better than the fucked-up thoughts that filled my mind and drove me to madness, sitting in my bedroom with a blade for hours on end in my messed-up attempt to take the pain away, staying on my own for years to avoid confronting the demons in my past. But it didn't work. Because you can't run away forever; we all have to face our demons in the end.

And we're outside Nikki's house after a silent journey filled with fearful thoughts. And I'm saying goodbye, and she's leaning towards me and she's going to kiss me and I'm all too aware of the clear sheet of glass in front of us, turning at the last moment so that her kiss brushes against my cheek rather than my lips, hoping that anyone that might happen to see her display of affection might pass it off as a goodbye peck on the cheek from one friend to another. And she's looking at me, with hurt in her eyes and humiliation in her heart.

And she's getting out and thanking me for the lift with a horrible forced smile that doesn't reach her eyes at all. And I watch as she walks to the door of her terraced house. I watch as she pulls out her key, turns it in the lock and steps inside. I watch as she rests her head against the doorframe, her face downcast, with the slouched posture of a woman who's given up. And her eyes flicker up and find their way to mine. And I mouth the words 'I'm sorry' at her, but she doesn't see them, or maybe she does and she doesn't care. Either way, she steps inside and slams the door behind her, a slam that reverberates around the neighbourhood causing tethered up dogs to bark and their owners to yell at them to 'shut the fuck up'. One man opens his window to see what's going on and his eyes widen as he sees the Ferrari parked on his street, and I realise how out of place I must look sitting in my two million pound toy on a street which shows all the sad signs of being wrecked by poverty. So I roll up my windows. And drive away.

I pull into the school car park about twenty minutes later. There's only a smattering of other cars about, and no screaming kids. Silence. There's some cigarette stubs on the ground, and a ripped Durex wrapper, and I make a mental note to tell Michael to ask the cleaner to do a more thorough job in the future. Clickety-clack. My heels make an odd tapping noise as I climb the stone steps leading up to the main school building. They're not very comfortable either, but they make me taller; more imposing. They give me power. And what's life if it isn't a power game?

Sonya smiles at me as I enter the waiting room outside Michael's office. I don't smile back; I never do. And she knows better to have expected anything. I'm too harsh on my little sister and I know it, but she's a constant reminder of my past and I hate her for it. She smiles again, a little nervously this time, before telling me that she's had to pencil Michael in for an emergency appointment with Mrs Barry regarding her daughter's behaviour, meaning that I'm going to have to wait about half an hour before I can speak to him. I roll my eyes at her, make a pointless sarcastic comment and storm out.

The corridors are starting to fill with pupils as I make my way through them to the staffroom. I know that I'm not really welcome there because the staff blame me for the ever-increasing pay cuts, but I know that Nikki will have to go there this morning, and I know that I need to explain myself to her. So I open the door and walk in, casting a wary eye around, seeing a few teachers cast dirty glances in my direction, hearing a few angry mutters. Some teachers greet me with smiles, but I know that they're just trying to butter me up and keep me happy so that I don't cut their jobs. Fake friendship – I'm used to it, so I keep myself to myself because I'd rather have no friends than loads of fake ones.

I turn my head as the door opens, and she's there, glancing around the staffroom, spotting me and walking to sit at the opposite end of the staffroom. Fuck. I want to speak to her... I have to, but how can I get her on her own without it looking horribly suspicious? I still haven't made my mind up before the bell goes off and the teachers start trailing out of the room and I know that I've only got seconds before she gets up and goes out too and I'm terrified but I've got to speak to her, so I swallow my pride and slowly make my way through the crowd of grumbling teachers towards her.


	6. Chapter 6

**Mature content warning - it's not too graphic, but could upset people so avoid paragraph 3 if you're sensitive. Thanks for your reviews - they make my day! :)**

She looks up as I approach, her eyes cold and unforgiving. The elderly teacher sitting next to her stands up and leaves the staffroom, and I take his seat next to her. She stands up to leave, but I place a hand on her arm to stop her. And then I realise where I am, and I remove the hand as if I've been burnt. But it worked though, she's settled back into her seat, but she's still angry, defiantly telling me that she needs to get back to the PRU. But this is more important than the PRU; to me anyway; because for once in my life I need to put business in the backseat and save this relationship with the woman that I love.

"Look... Nikki... I'm sorry about earlier... I really am..." and I'm off, stumbling over my words, rambling on in a whispered voice so that no-one left in the staffroom can hear what I'm saying. And I'm telling her that I'm not ready to tell the world about my feelings for her, and she's asking 'why?' over and over but I'm not prepared to share my shame because if I tell her about my past it will leave me even more vulnerable and exposed than I already am.

"Right, Lorraine, I've got to get to the PRU before the kids start causing havoc," she says, her eyes cold, her mouth a straight red line on her face. Like the straight red lines running up my arms, gradually fading away. Wish I could say the same about the memories. They're still there, branded into the back of my brain, to stay there forever. And the vivid memories are flashing through my mind. He's on top of me, forcing his tongue down my throat as hot tears run down my face. And I'm turning into a soulless body. And I'm trying to block out the pain. And I'm wiping away the blood whilst he kneels down and prays.

Nikki's standing up and starting to move away, and I realise that I've backed myself into a corner and I'm going to have to break down the walls to get out. So I ask her if I can take her out for lunch so that we can talk things out over a bottle of wine. And this would be a big thing for me; sitting with her in a public place. Woman and woman and an expensive bottle of wine. And I'm hoping that I'll see the corners of her mouth go up. And I'm hoping that she'll say that she'd love to come. And I'm hoping in vain.

"What good's that going to do? We'll get there and you'll request a table at the back so that nobody sees you with me? What's wrong with you Lorraine? Or is there something wrong with me?" and with that she storms out, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I'm the only one left in the staffroom now and I don't like it, so I get up and leave too, making my slow way to Michael's office to hear him ramble on about how I ought to be putting more money into this school.

Sonya smiles at me again as I enter the waiting room for the second time today. And this time I can't avoid a conversation with her so I sit and pretend to listen whilst she goes on about her latest boyfriend; some bloke called Ndale who works here as a caretaker. And I'm jealous of her. I'm fucking jealous of her; jealous of my little sister who only manages to pay her bills thanks to me. Because she can go out on the street hand-in-hand with her boyfriend and no-one will give a fuck. No-one will yell at her that she's going to rot in hell for daring to fall in love with a girl whilst preaching fucking Leviticus at her. The world won't turn against her like it did with me. And I'm forever going to be envious of her.

Michael's opening the door, showing Mrs Barry the way out. Mrs Barry's practically frothing at the mouth and she's letting out a stream of angry words with a Liverpudlian accent so thick that I can't understand a single one. And then she's gone. I follow Michael back into her office, throwing Sonya a filthy green-eyed glare as I do so. Michael sits down at his desk and I sit opposite him and he's pulling out a file and showing me lists of facts and figures and imploring me to give 'just a bit more money' to the school. And I'm nodding. And giving in. Because everyone gives in in the end. Especially me.

I think that the meeting's over because Michael's standing up and shaking my hand and I feel like I should say something so I mumble a few words under my breath. And then I leave. I go straight to my car and taking it for a spin, going as fast as I can to clear my head; not caring that the car is churning out a ridiculous volume of harmful fumes. Because if the car wasn't polluting the world then I would be, with a cigarette at my lips, sucking in the smoke in an attempt to block out the world. And I gave that up years ago.

I'm easing on the accelerator now. And heading back towards the school. Because I give up on a lot of things, but I'm not going to give up on the woman of my dreams. I'm going to head straight back to the PRU, and as the kids pour out for lunch I'm going to go in and try again. And so that's what I do, walking through the crowd of pupils, watching them part like the red sea for me. And all too soon I'm standing at the door of the PRU and peeking through the window to see Nikki sitting at her desk with her head in her hands. And I'm opening the door. And going in.


	7. Chapter 7

**This chapter is a bit shorter but hopefully the next one will be longer!**

**Listen to this song watch?v=YSapz4iH_68 (it's the first link that comes up) as you read this chapter, and hopefully the good music will distract you from the bad writing.**

Nikki looks up as I enter; her eyes wary. I close the door behind me and walk across the room towards her, my heels clickety-clacking as I do so. There's no chairs and it'd feel much too formal if I stayed standing up so I sit down on the desk facing her. She looks up at me with eyes red-rimmed from crying, and I feel awful, and I know that it's time to explain myself, but how can I open up to her here, in the middle of a school full of kids who could walk in at any moment? I don't think that I'm ready to tear down all of my walls, rip off the bandages and undo all of the stitching that I use to protect my fragile heart, but I can't let the only good thing in my life walk out of the door. So slowly, ever so slowly, I start peeling off my layers of protection and releasing my inner demons into the room. I tell Nikki about everything; my dad, the vicar, the rejection. I tell her about how I spent many years locked in a dark, dark place, completely unable to turn on the lights. I tell her about the many nights and days I spent leaking blood in the hope that punishing myself physically would take the emotional pain away.

Now I'm stripped right down to my core, my broken, battered and torn heart completely exposed to the woman that I love. And I finally look up, my eyes swimming with tears which threaten to spill down my face, and she's looking at me, and there's tears in her eyes too, and her lips are quivering and so I do the only thing that I can think of. And I slide off the desk onto her lap so that my legs are straddling her body. And I kiss her.

Her lips are soft against mine; soothing, and one of my hands is on her tear-soaked cheek and the other in tangled in her short black hair. And I can feel her hands; cool against my clammy back, her arms holding me close to her. She's pulling away now, and gently biting my lower lip, before moving to kiss me again; a deep passionate kiss, and there's no denying that she's a fantastic kisser, our tongues dancing together, our hearts beating as one.

And she's rolling up the sleeve of my dress, and moving her lips along my arm, kissing my scars, eyes looking straight into mine. And she's moving her mouth to my ear, and whispering in it that she still thinks that I'm beautiful. And my tears are flowing thick and fast now as she moves her lips back to mine and kisses me again, because for the first time in my life I know who I am and what I want. And I'm telling her, murmuring it against her lips, my arms around her neck, pulling her even closer to me. And she's asking me what I want now, and I'm pulling back slightly, looking her straight in the eye.

"I want this," I tell her. "I need this," I say, shifting my body even closer to hers. "Because I love you." And our lips are colliding yet again, and our tongues are moving to my heartbeat, taking me to places I've never been before; to places that I want to go again.

And maybe it's because we're so immersed in each other; our bodies intertwined, my lips pressed hard against hers, her hands grasping the skin on my back. And maybe it's because our eyes are closed, savouring the moment, relishing in each other's touch. And maybe it's because we're in our own little world; disregarding the existence of everyone other than each other. But we don't notice the as the door opens. And we don't notice as someone comes in.


	8. Chapter 8

**Thanks for all of the reviews on the last chapter - they made me completely change this chapter from the generic mess that it was going to be into... something else. I know that it's not a very good chapter, but try to enjoy it if you can! :)**

"Errr Miss..." There's a voice behind us. I clamber awkwardly off Nikki's lap, with much difficulty as her arms have frozen around me, and turn to see who it is, praying that it isn't Tom or one of those ghastly Barry siblings. And it isn't. It's some fat girl with hair as red as my cheeks, and she's looking at us incredulously, clearly unsure of whether to stay or leave. And I have no idea what to say or do either, so I turn to Nikki whose face is burning a bright shade of scarlet and whose mouth has dropped open in horror. And I just want to crumble into millions of tiny pieces and disappear from this earth completely.

"Hello Rhiannon," Nikki's stammering. "What did you come here for?" Rhiannon's lips are pursed and her eyes are moving from Nikki's wild tangled hair to my rolled up sleeve, moving her eyes along my arm up to my tear-filled eyes. And she opens her mouth and I think she's going to say something about my scars and I want to run and hide and cry myself dry. But I can't. So I just stare back trying to look indifferent whilst I crumple like a piece of paper inside.

"Not some lezbo sex show, that's for sure!" she spits, watching our faces; enjoying our horrified reaction; enjoying our shame. And Nikki can't say anything. Because if she has a go at Rhiannon then Rhiannon will tell the world gleefully about our dirty little secret. And if she asks Rhiannon not to tell anyone then Rhiannon will laugh in her face and tell everybody that Miss Boston cried like a baby when she got caught snogging the face of the school benefactor. So Nikki just sits on her chair. And spins it around. Trying to spin herself off the Earth. And I wish that I could do the same. But I can't. So I walk over to Rhiannon, and look her in the eye.

"They really don't go away, do they?" she whispers, her voice cracking slightly. I don't know what she's on about so I ask her and she gestures at the thin white scars climbing up my arm, and for the first time in my miserable life I don't pull down my sleeve and say that it's nothing; I just look down at them too, and then back at her, and I can hear the sincerity in her voice. She's pulling up her jumper, and rolling up her shirt, and I wince as I look at the criss-crossed half-healed cuts covering her belly. And maybe it's a trick of the light, but it looks like someone's used a blade to carve the word FAT into her stomach. And as my eyes meet hers I know that she did it herself.

As I look at her scars and at the pain in her eyes I'm thrown back almost twenty years. I'm sixteen years old; locked in my bedroom, with my back against my bed and my knees pulled up to my chest. There are tears running down my face and blood running down my arms, and I feel strangely detached from the world; devoid of pain, devoid of emotions, devoid of being. But I'm in control. And I like it.

Rhiannon is looking at me questioningly, and I try to shake the images from my past out of my head as tell her that they'll fade but will never go away, and with that I pull my sleeve down and button it shut. Rhiannon's asking me not to tell anyone, and I'm promising that I won't and telling her that we can pretend that this whole impromptu meeting never happened. And with that, Rhiannon turns on her heel and walks out the door. And I turn to face Nikki, who's staring at the ground in a world of her own.

"You okay?" I ask her. She shrugs her shoulders and looks up at me with eyes full of regret, telling me that she gave Rhiannon a hard time because she thought that she was just a fat brat with garishly-coloured attention-seeking red hair, no will to accept the help being offered to her, and no desire to turn her life around. And she looks so depressed and remorseful that I almost feel sorry for her, because she couldn't have known about Rhiannon's problems. Because we all have our own way of coping. And we all want to cope on our own.

"Don't worry – she won't tell anyone about... us," I tell Nikki, trying to convince myself; because I really don't think that I could stand it if anyone found out. I can imagine the reaction already; the venomous laughter, the whispered rumours spreading through the school like a wildfire, the shame. I would have to get away from it the only way that I know – crawling back into my shell; hiding from the world. And it's sickening to think that I'm putting my fragile little life in the hands of a 17 year old girl.

A shout from the playground reminds me of where I am, and I know that it's time to go. So I arrange to pick Nikki up tonight to take her out for 'that bottle of wine and an evening meal', and walk out of the PRU, turning at the last minute to see her watching me leave. And part of me is relieved because I've told told her what I needed to tell her, but part of me is terrified because I've made myself vulnerable to the mercy of two people in the space of less than an hour.

I make my way down the corridor; eyes fixed on the ground in front of me, nervously glancing around every few minutes; terrified that I'm going to see groups of giggling pupils pointing at me and laughing. And practically run down the steps to my car, getting in and driving away.


	9. Chapter 9

**Thank you so much for your lovely reviews - they really mean a lot to me! This chapter's pretty uneventful I'm afraid, but try to enjoy it anyway!**

I drive home recklessly, with one foot pressed down on the accelerator; hoping that my wild driving will keep my mind off the events of the previous hour. It doesn't work, of course, and ends up exuberating my problems; as I step out of the car and promptly throw up all over the driveway. I'll have to get my cleaner to deal with it. A couple of glasses of water later and the taste of vomit is out of my mouth, but I still feel like throwing up because in a few hours I'll be stepping out, in public, with a woman. What if Nikki expects me to hold her hand? What if she wants to kiss goodbye at the end of the meal in front of everyone? I pour myself a glass of white wine to steady my nerves, but the intoxicating liquid does little for me. Because it doesn't make my problems go away at all; it just makes me feel worse.

The stairs lurch as I move up them, and I stumble a little on the top step, tripping slightly and falling onto the landing in a messy heap. I crawl slowly along the long upper corridor of empty disused rooms to reach my bedroom; a massive rectangular room with white walls; one of which is completely covered by an enormous, fantastically-overpriced painting of a sunset. Because you can only enjoy the sun for so long. And then it goes down and leaves you alone in the dark.

I stride across my room, open a door and step into my walk-in wardrobe. I'm surrounded by hundreds of designer dresses that have price-tags on them with more zeros than I could possibly pronounce. I've never worn half of them, and I probably never will, but what's the point of having a multi-million pound business if I don't try to enjoy spending the profits? The restaurant that I've booked for Nikki and I to eat at tonight is quite posh and I know that I'll have to dress up a little to fit in, so I leaf through the dresses hanging on the racks, pulling out a couple of light blue ones that take my fancy, walking back into my bedroom and throwing them onto the silk sheets that cover my bed.

One of the dresses is a dark navy, with long sleeves and a pleated lower half. It's nice enough, but I've worn it quite a few times. I've got a room full of brand new upmarket clothes and I still end up wearing the same ones over and over again. The other dress is longer, in a paler shade of blue, with a plunging neckline and no sleeves. It's unworn, with the price-tag hanging off it. £2500; not a lot compared to some of the dresses in this house, but a ridiculous amount to spend on a dress that I've have for five years and never worn. And I want to wear it, I really do; but wearing it would mean exposing my arms. And exposing my arms would mean exposing my scars. And exposing my scars would mean baring my heart and soul to the world. And I'm not sure if I'm ready for that yet; if I'll ever be ready. So I slip it back onto its coat hanger. And put it away.

The other dress has a zip running up the back, but I find it easier to put it on now than I did the first time I wore it. Because I'm used to doing up my own zips now. Because I'm used to being alone.

I coat my face in a thick layer of sticky make-up. Foundation to cover my forehead. Mascara to cover my eyelashes. Gentle blue eye-shadow to cover my eyelids. Pale pink blusher to cover my cheeks. Deep red lipstick to cover my lips. And maybe I'm hoping that I can cover myself up completely; that I can look in the mirror and see an entirely different woman staring back; a woman without the demons from my past, a woman more comfortable with her present, a woman with higher hopes for her future. But I don't. I just see a woman driven to madness by her determination to change something unchangeable.

A glance at the clock tells me that it's 6 o'clock, and I agreed to pick Nikki up at half-past six so I put on a pair of dark designer stilettos and get into my car, kicking them off casually once I'm inside the car so that I can drive to Nikki's house in comfort. I pull onto her road a few minutes early and linger outside for a bit to avoid looking too keen. Then I pull my heels back on and stride up to her house, ignoring the astonished looks from a woman and man walking hand-in-hand down this grimy street. I endure almost a minute of anxious hell thinking that she's forgotten about me after I ring the bell before she opens her door to greet me.

Nikki's dressed simply in a smart pair of black trousers and a white blouse which complements her figure perfectly. And she's smiling at me and I'm smiling back and she's telling me that I look beautiful and she's leaning forward to kiss me and I'm hoping that those pedestrians are out of eyesight as I close my eyes and kiss her back. Then we walk to my car. She doesn't try to hold my hand and I'm grateful for it.

Nikki talks about the pupils as we drive to the restaurant; moaning about some (namely Barry Barry) and speaking fondly of others. I laugh at her jokes and it feels really natural, and I'm looking forward to spending a whole stress-free evening with her; driving into the restaurant car-park with a big smile on my face; parking between a white Lamborghini with a personalised number-plate and some silver Ford Mondeo which looks oddly out of place in this car-park full of expensive cars. I take a deep breath, open the car door and step out.

As we walk past the restaurant windows something catches my eye; a familiar-looking blonde bob. My eyes widen as I recognise the man opposite the blonde woman; Michael Fucking Byrne. I stagger out of the view of the window as he looks up, leaning against the restaurant wall; sick to the stomach. I don't want to go in there. I don't know if I can go in there. And Nikki's by my side asking me what's wrong. But I can't tell her. Maybe I could turn around, and tell her that I drove to the wrong restaurant by mistake. Maybe I could feign sickness and call off the whole evening. Or maybe, just maybe, I could face my fears and walk in.


	10. Chapter 10

**I can't stop thanking you for your reviews - they've really helped to shape this FanFiction! This is probably the worst chapter so far, but hope you (try to) enjoy it anyway! :)**

"Earth to Lorraine," Nikki's saying, shaking my shoulders. "Are you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost..." I shrug her hands off me, because for all I know Michael and Christine might have finished their meal and be coming out right now. I'm still completely undecided as what to do, because part of me wants to lie to her and take her somewhere far away, running from my problems, like I always do. But it couldn't have been more than ten hours ago that I agreed to be completely and utterly open with her. Lying to her would feel like lying to myself, and I don't want to do that either. But what if we go in, and they see us, and ask us what we're doing together out of school hours? Because it's hard to pass off a fancy meal in a posh candle-lit restaurant with a fabulously expensive bottle of red wine as a 'casual meeting between co-workers'.

I decide on the truth. "Michael's in there," I tell her. "With Christine." A look of shock flitters across her face and as her eyes meet mine I know that she's uncertain about this too. Because she's hardly gone around the staffroom flaunting her sexuality, has she? And I'm pretty sure that I'm not the only one in this relationship with insecurities.

"We don't have to do this if you don't want to, darling," she smiles at me, but I don't want to disappoint her and it's time for me to be brave so I shake my head and tell her that I brought her here so that we could spend an evening together over good food and I'm not going to let anyone ruin it, especially not Christine and Michael. A smile spreads across her face, and she kisses me lightly on the forehead before reading my horrified frantic mind and drawing away quickly. Then I take a deep breath. And open the restaurant door.

We're greeted by a clean-shaven waiter dressed in a well-cut suit with a black bow tie around his neck. He smiles at us and ushers us to a small circular table for two that has a gently flickering candle sitting in the middle of it. The table is in the far corner of the restaurant where Michael and Christine can't see us, and I breathe out a low sigh of relief as I sit down. With another smile and a slight flourish he produces two leather-bound menus and places them down on the table, telling us that he'll be back in a few minutes for our order and giving a slight bow of his head before leaving.

Nikki's opened her menu, and her eyes widen as they skate down the list of main meals. "Jesus Lorraine... This steak costs more than three months rent!" she hisses across the table at me. I glance around awkwardly at her words, before telling her that I'm paying so she can order what she likes. And she chooses the cheapest dish on offer. Typical Nikki.

The waiter comes back pretty quickly, and we place our order; Nikki going for Chicken Marengo whilst I select Canard à la Rouennaise, asking for a bottle of Romane Conti (1997 vintage) on the side. He tells us that we've made a 'truly fantastic choice' before bowing his head again, taking our menus, and leaving us in peace.

"What a day, eh?" Nikki's smiling at me. And for a moment I'm distracted; looking at that smile. Looking at it and loving it. And it seems crazy that this morning I thought that I was never going to see that smile in such close proximity ever again. The trickle of wine into my glass snaps me out of my thoughts, and I smile gratefully at the waiter as I take a sip, slapping a £50 note into his hand as I do so.

"Yeah... It's been stressful enough for me, and I've not been screaming at disruptive kids all day..." I nod in agreement as I watch the waiter's retreating back. "But I think I've learnt a lot in the last 24 hours... About who I am... And what I want." Nikki's really smiling now. Because she knows what I want. I want her; her sleepy eyes looking into mine in the morning, her secretive touches throughout the day, her warm body pressed against mine at night.

"I know what I want too," she's saying, winking flirtatiously at me. And I'm terrified that she's going to lean in for a kiss. But she doesn't, of course; she just gently nudges my leg with hers under the table; running her smooth leather shoe up my bare leg. And it feels good; it feels really good, but this isn't the time or place so I slap her hand gently with my own; making her smirk; causing little dimples to appear in her cheeks. Cute.

Despite trying to ignore it for the past half hour, I've come to the conclusion that I must satisfy my urge to use the toilet before the food arrives. So I excuse myself and then make my way through the tables of loved up couples to the ladies' toilets; staying as far away from Michael and Christine as possible. They probably wouldn't notice me anyway – knowing them they'll be all over each other.

A beefy man in an Armani suit with a Rolex on his wrist wets his upper lip with his tongue as I pass him; his eyes fixed on my slight display cleavage. I ignore both him, and my desire to slap him, as I open the toilet door. And walk in. To see Christine Mulgrew entering the far cubicle. She doesn't notice me coming in so I quickly slip into the nearest cubicle; my heart pounding, ready for a long wait.


	11. Chapter 11

**Three chapters in one day - I'm on a roll! Guess it's true what they say - reviews really do make you write faster! Thanks for all of your support guys! :)**

I don't know how long I sit there for. Staring at the cubicle door without seeing; my eyes fixed on the 'Polite Notice' without taking in a single word. My ears are cocked; waiting for a flush from the furthest toilet, waiting for the splash of water in the sink, waiting for the slam of the door. Because until Christine leaves I'm trapped. Trapped because I haven't got the guts to flush the toilet and walk out because I'm terrified that I'm going to crash into Christine and she's going to ask me what I'm doing here, and who I'm with.

Christine's an alcoholic. She turned to drink to cope with her problems, the same as I turned to cutting. She spent her nights using alcohol to take the pain away, the same as I used my blades. She spent a decade with a bottle in her hand, and I spent a decade with a razor in mine. And she's got scars too. Except hers are on the inside, and mine are on the outside for all to see. But I never let my problems interfere with my work – I tried to make something of my life whereas she turned up to school drunk and broke down in front of a class full of kids.

A toilet flushes. A woman coughs. Water gushes from a sink close to my cubicle. There's a rush of hot air from the hand drier. The woman coughs again, her cough fading into the distance as the door closes behind her.

It's only now that I realise that I've been holding my breath. And I let it out; relieved. My heartbeat slows down as I flush the toilet and step out of the cubicle. I head to the basins to wash my hands, selecting a luxury bar of soap from the complimentary collection on offer.

Another toilet flushes and I freeze, my blood running colder than the water spurting out of the tap in front of me. I hear a zipper being zipped shut and know that I should drop the soap and run, but I am completely unable to move, my feet like granite blocks weighed down to the ground, my horrified eyes transfixed on the mirror above the sink. Watching the door of the furthest cubicle. Watching as it opens. Watching as Christine Mulgrew steps out.

Christine spots me at once, and her eyes light up at the sight of me. I'm not naive enough to think that it's because she's glad to see me – I know that she just wants to get some juicy gossip about me. She bounds over to the basin next to me, a malicious grin spreading across her face, and greets me as she washes her hand. I force myself to smile and say 'hello' back, my voice curt; trying desperately to keep the conversation civil. Then she asks me who I'm here with.

For a moment I'm almost tempted to tell her that I'm here by myself. Because surely being here on my own is better than being here with a woman? But I can't bring myself to say that and see her snide smirk. So I tell her that I'm here with 'a friend'. Because that could be anyone, couldn't it? And then I'm saying goodbye. And walking out of the door, wiping my hands dry on my dress. Because I'd rather have a wet dress than wet eyes.

Nikki smiles as I approach the table, and I smile back, sitting down, resting my hand next to hers so that we're almost touching. But not quite. And I don't tell her that I saw Christine, because I know that thinking about that cow would ruin her meal and I wanted tonight to be perfect. So instead I tell her all about the amazing soaps available in the toilets. What a great conversation starter...

Fortunately the food arrives pretty soon, and I tuck in; enjoying the succulent taste of my roasted duck, licking the bloody sauce off my lips, watching Nikki's face as she takes a bite of chicken. She looks down at the chicken longingly as she chews her first mouthful, clearly desperate for more. I want her to look at me like that. I want to fill her senses. I want to make her feel alive.

We finish our meals at the same time, our knives and forks clattering onto our china plates in perfect unison. She rests one hand on my knee and the other on the table next to mine. And then she's thanking me for the meal. And telling me that it's the best she's ever had. Not because of the food; because of me. And I tell her that I love her. And she tells me that she loves me too. Then our eyes meet; and I can see the passion burning in hers, matching the fiery passion in my heart. And I ask her if she wants to spend the evening at mine again. And she says yes.

"You didn't tell me that you were here with NIKKI!" My heart stops, and I look up to see Christine's triumphant sneer looking down on me. And I don't know what to say. So I don't say anything; I just look from her to Michael, who has a bemused expression on his face. Because he's noticed what Christine's spiteful eyes have passed over; Nikki's hand resting on top of mine. I tug my hand from under Nikki's, praying that Christine won't notice. She doesn't. And my eyes are asking Michael to do something that my mouth can never ask him to do; to stay quiet and keep the extent of my relationship with Nikki to himself. And maybe I'm imagining things, but he appears to nod in the flickering light of the candles.

And then they're gone. And the waiter's brought the bill. And I'm paying with one of my credit cards and leaving him a £200 tip.

Nikki and I walk out of the restaurant in complete silence, our hands finding each other to prevent the darkness from separating us. Then we climb into my car, and my foot finds the accelerator, and we're rushing away into the night.


	12. Chapter 12

**This chapter's a bit shorter, but hopefully you'll like it anyway! As always, thanks for your reviews - I'm so grateful that you guys take the time to give me your thoughts on my writing! :)**

The journey passes in a stony silence; Nikki gazing out of the window into the black, starless night, me trying to concentrate on getting home whilst trying to ignore the thoughts that plague my mind; making me nauseous, making me want to die. I've spent my own life curled up inside my solid oak closet; hoping that if I stayed there long enough I'd find my own world – a new Narnia; where I could be who I wanted without the fear of rejection; without being ashamed.

We're pulling into my drive now, and climbing out of the car as the automatic light flickers into life. Our hands are limp by our sides; not even trying to touch on this cold, dark night. I unlock the front door and let her in, trying to ascertain whether there would be any way of getting past Nikki without her noticing the warm tears tumbling down my cheeks. And there isn't, of course there isn't, so I walk straight into the light and look her in the eye. And she's trying to look indifferent, acting as if she doesn't care; as if the evening's events haven't affected her at all. But she's doing a pretty shit job – her lower lip is trembling and her eyes are glistening with tears.

I put my hands on her shoulders, and help her to shrug her heavy coat off. Then I put my hands on her cheeks, feeling the warmth rush through me as I kiss her. And she isn't holding back as she returns my kiss; her arms wrapped around me, her hands resting on the curve of my back. The only thing I know is her; her tongue tracing over my lips, her frantic breath, her heart knocking against my chest.

And she's pushing me backwards, and my spine's colliding with the wall, and my eyes fly open to see her sapphire ones looking straight back into mine. Her body is pressed against mine and her hands on the wall above my head, and my hands are around her waist, and our tongues are battling it out between our mouths. And I want more. I want her smooth skin against mine. I don't want these pieces of fabric between us any longer.

My hands tremble as they travel down her back; reaching the waistband of her trousers, undoing her belt, slipping it off. And she's kicking her shoes off, removing her socks, and stepping out of the trousers; her bare legs shaking slightly in the cool of the night.

Then she's moving her hands between my back and the wall, and slowly, ever so slowly, she's unzipping my dress, and I can feel her cold hands against my back as I slide my arms out of the dress and let it fall to the floor at my feet. I step out of my heels and it's my turn to force her against the wall, my quivering fingers travelling down her blouse, struggling to undo the buttons running down it, eventually giving in and tearing the shirt open; listening to the satisfying sound of loose buttons bouncing against the hard marble floor.

And now we're out of breath, looking each other up and down as we stand in our underwear in my hall. She's in a dark green bra with black lace rimming and by hell she looks good in it. So I tell her. And she smirks. And kisses me on the lips.

I grab her hand and half-pull her along the corridor, crashing a door open and leading her into a living-room with a large leather sofa in it. And she's pushing me down onto it, and climbing on top of me, making my spine dig into the white leather. And she's kissing me again; her hands moving down my body, resting on the sides of my black pants; her eyes looking into mine questioningly, asking to go further. And I know that I'm not ready for that yet so I shake my head. And she shrugs as if my answer means nothing to her, and swoops down for another kiss; her arms moving back up my body. My arms are wrapped around her body, her skin smooth against my rough forearms.

And that's how we stay as the seconds turn into minutes, and as the minutes turn into hours; our bodies entwined, our hearts beating as one. And we don't go to sleep side-by-side in a bed tonight; we sleep in our tangled mess on the sofa, as close as we can possibly get. And it feels so right that I don't understand how anyone else can possibly call it wrong.


	13. Chapter 13

**Oooh look Chapter 13 - unlucky for some (ie: you guys because this chapter is terrible - sorry!). Thanks for your amazing reviews - they really do keep me going! :)**

I wake at two o'clock to find a heavy body on top of me. My confusion is exuberated by the suffocating darkness and I begin to struggle incessantly; trying desperately to get free from the grasp of the monster above me. I'm terrified; certain that I'm being pinned down by a rapist who has broken into my house with the sole purpose of reminding me of my shame. My cries catch in my throat and my heart starts hammering faster and faster and in my panic I forget how to breathe; lying helplessly on the sofa in the grasp of my tormentor.

The movement-detecting lights are activated by my struggle, and I am momentarily blinded. Then I remember that I am being held by a stranger and begin to thrash about wildly again, yelling loudly.

"Errr... Lorraine?" Nikki's sleepy, surprised voice comes from on top of me. And then I realise what's going on. And the air rushes back into my lungs. And I can breathe again. Because I'm not being attacked at all. And then I realise who I've been hitting. And I burst into tears.

"Lorraine, darling, what's wrong?" Nikki's sitting up and looking at me; a shiny red mark on one cheek where I hit her. And I feel terrible just looking at it, so I bury my face in her shoulder and cry some more as she whispers soothing words into my ear.

I've had nightmares for years. They creep up on me in the dark of the night and surge through my body, causing me to wake up screaming; buried under sweat soaked sheets. For many years I deliberately kept myself awake until ridiculous hours in my desperate attempt to avoid the terrible dreams that chased me through my nights; haunting me through my days. But it didn't work, because no-one could stay awake forever, and every night I'd relive the memories; relive the pain.

It's a good twenty minutes before I've calmed down sufficiently to go back to sleep. Despite wanting Nikki's protective arms around me as I fall back to sleep I decide that with school in just a few hours it wouldn't be fair to keep her awake any longer and move onto another sofa in the room to give her more space, throwing her a blanket from a pile in the corner as I do so. I listen to her breathing becoming shallower as she drifts off, before crawling under my own blanket and slowly sinking back into a deep, uncomfortable sleep.

An alarm on Nikki's phone wakes us both up at quarter-past six, and my eyes flutter open to see Nikki doing a variety of stretches on the floor in just her underwear. Part of me feels guilty for watching. And part of me feels guilty for liking it. And part of me doesn't give a shit, because Nikki's hot as fuck and who would say no to that? She smiles when she notices my eyes on her, and apologises for the early alarm saying that she usually goes for a run in the morning and she decided to substitute it with stretches this morning so that she could spend more time with me.

Today I decide to wear a knee-length red dress with a jet-black jacket to cover my arms. I apply my make-up quicker than normal and go downstairs with an oversized hoodie and a pair of grey joggers over my shoulders so that Nikki has something other than her ripped up blouse (now lying in a sorry heap in my hall) to wear until I drop her off at hers. She takes them gratefully, kissing me on the lips in thanks. Then she puts them on.

We get to her house earlier than we did yesterday, and she invites me in. I sit on a battered armchair with some stuffing hanging out whilst I wait for her to get changed, glancing around at the photos in plastic frames dotted around the room. There's just one photo of Nikki in army gear; she's staring straight out of the photo frame with blood in her eyes and murder on her mind. On the top of a cupboard there are a row of photos of Nikki with various members of her family. It's easy to tell that they're all related; all of the people in that particular collection of photographs have the same strong jaw line and matching resilient expressions. And then there's a photo of Nikki laughing with her arm wrapped around another woman. Jealousy such as I've never known builds up inside me, but I try to ignore my inhibitions. Because I know Nikki well enough to know that she's not the cheating type.

"You ready to go?" Nikki's entered into the room without me noticing and she's offering me a lift to school. But I can't say yes. Because Michael and Christine might see us coming out of her car together and make some (partially correct) assumptions about the events of the previous night following our departure from the restaurant. And I couldn't stand that. But I don't want Nikki to think that I'm ashamed of her. So I tell her some bullshit about not wanting to leave my car in a strange neighbourhood and she nods like she understands.

Nikki and I arrive at school within minutes of each other, and I smile as she slides into the parking space next to me. We bump into Audrey as we walk through the school and she starts rambling on about the importance of History in the lives of the young generation. Nikki and I share a secret smile which Audrey's usually observant eyes fail to notice. Then we shake her off and continue making our way to the staffroom.

"Good night, last night, dykes?" Jack McAlister yells as he runs past. Nikki charges after him but I can't move. How did he find out about us? How much does he know? Who else knows? The lanky figure of Connor Mulgrew stalks past me; a smirk to match that of his mother spreading across his face as he sees me. And as my eyes follow him down the corridor something clicks in my mind. And I know at once how everyone found out about my relationship with Nikki. And I want to storm off to the staffroom to ask Christine why she felt the need to tell her son about what she saw at the restaurant last night. But I don't. I just go into the staff toilets. And cry.


	14. Chapter 14

**I cried whilst writing this chapter.**

I've locked myself in a cubicle, and I'm attempting to stem the flow of tears with a sheet of toilet paper not giving a shit that it's highly unhygienic because I've got a much greater worry pressing on my mind. My sexuality was just one of many things that I kept locked inside me; hidden from the world. And now everybody knows my disgusting, dirty little secret. The secret that I hate more than anyone else ever could. The secret that drove me to the brink of suicide countless times. Because surely being forever asleep would have been better than my living nightmare. But I could never quite bring myself to end my own life, so I just spent the evenings trying to bleed out all of the worst parts of me.

This isn't the first time that this has happened to me and here, leaning against the cubicle wall, I have a terrible sense of déjà vu. Because I spent more school hours than I could count trapped in a cubicle; too scared to go out and face the world. Too terrified to leave the safety of my tiny cubicle and face the taunts and chants and punches and kicks that I knew with a horrible certainty would greet me on the other side of the cubicle door. Too afraid to go out and dance in the rain. And so that small cubicle became my own little prison cell. And I hated every minute of it.

The toilet door is slamming open, and there's people coming in. I hear the clickety-clack of heels and the slap of flats. And then I hear the voices. And then I hear my name.

"Why would it even matter if Lorraine was gay though?" Sonya's high-pitched squeak carries across the staff toilets towards me, closely followed by Audrey's dulcet tones.

"It just makes me... uncomfortable..."

"What? You think she's going to fancy you or something? Ha! Think again, love!"

"It's against God's will..."

"And a fifty-something year old like you dating a guy in his twenties isn't?"

"Why... how... how dare you!" comes Audrey's outraged gasp of shock.

"With ease." And with that, Sonya clickety-clacks across the floor, the door slamming shut behind her.

And then I hear something terrible. I hear Audrey's shaking voice. And she's begging for fucking forgiveness. But not for herself; no not for herself at all. She's begging God to forgive me for my fucking sins. Just like the vicar did. And I feel sick to my stomach, clasping the tissue paper to my mouth to stop myself from crying out. And I hate her. Because I hate myself.

The praying has stopped. But the tears haven't. And she's walking out of the door, leaving me alone with my demons. And I don't know if I can take them anymore. I would wish for my body to rot in this cubicle if it wasn't for my fear of going to hell. Because that's where the vicar said I would end up. And maybe that's what I deserve.

I begged my father not to take me to the vicar but he didn't listen; telling me that the vicar was taking me closer to God. And I asked him why that was necessary. And he told me to stop asking silly little questions about things that I didn't understand. It was many years before I questioned how he could talk about understanding when he didn't really understand a thing about me. He told me that he was ashamed to have a queer bitch as his daughter, and if it wasn't for my mother's pleading I think that he would have kicked me out onto the streets. And maybe that would have been better for me than the years of hell that I endured under his roof. But I didn't know it at the time. Because I told myself that it was going to get better. I told myself lies until I believed them. Because everyone else did.

The cubicle was too small for my demons, so I opened the door. And I went to the sink and tried to wash the scars off my arms, the sadness off my face and the tears out of my eyes. But the echoes of my past didn't leave. So I sank to the floor, resting my head against a basin; eyes closed; blocking out the world.

And that's how Nikki found me, three hours later; my glazed eyes open and unseeing, my body limp as a rag doll on the toilet floor. She kissed my forehead and told me that everything would be alright. And there were no more tears to spill. And there were no more words to say. So she helped me to my feet. And walked me out the door.

It's still lesson time so the corridors are void of pupils and we don't meet anyone as we walk through the school; Nikki's arm around me; holding me up, supporting me, keeping me from keeling over. We walk in silence for some time; along the hallways, out of the front door, through the car park. And then we see a figure coming towards us. With a blond bob. And a long pointy nose. And Nikki lets go of me. And storms towards her.

"Why... did you tell Connor that... that... that you saw me with Lorraine last night?" Nikki rages, breathing heavily.

"I don't know what you're on about," comes Christine's calm, smug reply.

"Don't lie to me, Christine. Jack McAlister told me that Connor told him that... that Lorraine and I were an item."

"Maybe Connor heard from someone else?" and with that Christine storms away.

Then a fuming Nikki comes back to me; her face a deep crimson. And then we sit on a bench and she starts ranting furiously about 'that nosy conceited bitch'. And I nod in agreement. But I'm not really listening. Because I'm still stuck on that dangerous, swinging bridge between my past and present; too weak to take a step forward, too scared to let go of the times of yore, too afraid to move on.


	15. Chapter 15

**Can't believe that it's been a whole week since I started this FanFic - it feels like so much longer! Your support has been amazing - I've never written this fast before! Fifteen chapters in a week - wow! Thanks for all of your lovely reviews and hope you enjoy this chapter! :)**

We sit on the bench for a long time; Nikki rambling on and on, me not saying a word. I'm not sure if I'd be able to speak if I wanted to – my throat is cracked and raw from the crying. Nikki's talking about the light at the end of the tunnel, but we're trapped in a rocky cave and the entrance is crumbling in. And Nikki's talking about the way that all scars fade over time, but these scars will take a lifetime to heal. And Nikki's talking about the way forward, but I'm just flying back.

And I'm thirteen again; sat at the back of a classroom in a grimy state school given up on by the government long ago. I'm laughing my head off in the middle of a row of the most popular kids in the Year, with my best friend on one side and my 'boyfriend' on the other. I've been 'with' the 'boyfriend' for about two months now, but we're not really together at all, and if I'm honest; I don't like him one bit, but I smile and pretend I do because that's what you're supposed to do, isn't it?

And the teacher's banging the table with a poorly sellotaped metre stick to get our attention. And she's announcing that there's a new girl joining the class. And asking us to be nice to her. And the girl's stepping shyly into the room. And she's beautiful; with luscious blonde hair that she's twirling nervously around a heavily ringed finger and bottle green eyes that are glancing anxiously around the classroom; flicking from face to face before looking straight down at the floor.

"We could report her you know," Nikki's saying, dragging me out of my memories. "You know... Tell Michael that Christine's trying to stir up shit about us and stuff." And I'm nodding without listening; silently agreeing without thinking about what I'm agreeing to. Because I'm not really there at all; I'm nineteen years away, falling in love with a dangerous stranger.

And the teacher's asking who will look after her. And I want to volunteer, I really do; but I've got a reputation to keep, and 'chumming up' with the newbie isn't going to go down well in any popularity book, so I watch as some weirdo at the front volunteers and as she moves to sit next to him. And as she turns to look around the class, her lips slightly parted; her eyes catch mine. And we're staring into each other's eyes. And she's doing things to me that I can't explain. And I think that I like it.

I'm unceremoniously wrenched out of my past by a tug on my arm. It's Nikki, murmuring frantically about how we have to go. But I'm not listening. I'm trying to sink into my past; back to when it all began. I'm walking up to the new girl at break and asking her for her name and giving her mine. And then I'm walking away because I can't be seen talking to the new girl. But I turn my head as I reach the corner, and she's still watching after me.

"Get up!" Nikki's hissing in my ear. And I'm getting to my feet in a daze and following her as she walks through the car park; a few feet behind so that it doesn't look like we're together. But it's too late – the pupils have come out and they're swarming around us and yelling things and asking us how we like our pussy. And I can't hear a word.

I'm thinking about stolen kisses in the schoolyard and hands going places they shouldn't at night. Sitting behind the bike-shed watching her smoke her life away with my arm wrapped around her shoulders; holding her close to me, enjoying the feel of her body against mine, wanting to stay that way forever.

Nikki's heading up the steps of the school now and I'm lost in the crowd of pupils following her. And I can hear their homophobic screams and judgemental war cries. They've become a savage mob. Hunters. And it makes me sick. Because I've been here before.

We're sitting with our backs against the rough wood of the shack that houses the pupils' bikes. And we're sitting close. Too close. And we're both laughing under the sweltering heat of the sun. And then I catch her eye. And then her eyes flicker down to my lips. And then I kiss her. Chapped lips pressing against my own. Her hands on my face. And it feels good; it feels fucking amazing. But then they come. And they're circling us like vultures. And slowly pecking us to pieces.

Both Nikki and I are inside the school building now; rushing along the corridors to Michael's office. We crash through the waiting room door only to see a battered and bruised girl with messy red hair crying her heart out; Sonya's comforting arm around her shoulders. Rhiannon looks up as we approach; one of her eyes is a black-rimmed mess, the other leaking tears. There's blood trickling down from a cut on her lip, and a dark red mark just above her left cheekbone. And there's something worse. Words scrawled across her forehead in a thick black marker-pen. FAT CUNT. And she sees us, and starts to wail.

"Oh Rhiannon! What happened?" Nikki asks her. But Rhiannon doesn't reply; she just cries harder, and so Nikki tries again, asking her if she needs a nurse. Rhiannon shakes her head and looks at me.

"I'm sorry," she says.

"For what?" I ask, confused.

"For... telling him..."

"Errr... Telling who?"

"Barry Barry!" she cries.

My confusion intensifies. "Telling him what?"

"About you..." Rhiannon starts. "About you...and... Nikki..."


	16. Chapter 16

**The dialogue in this will probably explain to you why I never use dialogue. One day I'll learn to write decent dialogue, but until then all I can do is apologise for my terrible attempt. On a happier note, thanks for all of your reviews - you guys keep me going! :)**

I don't know how to respond to Rhiannon's admission of her break of trust, so I don't; I just sit there blankly staring at the wall listening to Rhiannon's crying. Something doesn't add though – why would Rhiannon have been beaten black or blue simply for revealing some personal information about a member of staff? You'd have expected the kids to be lapping it up; treating her like a queen in their desperate quest to get more information out of her about us; not punching her so hard that she bled.

"But Rhiannon... Why on earth did you tell him?" Nikki's asking. And all of a sudden I don't want to know. I couldn't care less why Rhiannon decided to divulge my greatest secret to the biggest troublemaker in the school; the only thing that matters is that she did and now the world knows my secret shame – the one that wrecked my life nineteen years ago; the one that's about to wreck it all over again.

Rhiannon's speaking now; her voice thick through her swollen lips. And I don't want to listen. But I do. And she's describing how she left the PRU after seeing us kissing and went to join the rest of the pupils flocking into the playground. And she's talking about how Barry Barry saw her and asked where she'd been and why she looked like she'd been crying. And she's telling us that she refused to tell him.

"But then he took me by the arm and... and led me behind the bike sheds... you know, the ones near the back of the school... where no-one really goes," Rhiannon continues. "And he pinned me against the wall and... and told me to tell him everything. And... and so I did." She shakes her head before going on. "And he looked well shocked so I laughed. And he asked me what I found funny. And I said I didn't know. And then he punched me. Right in my belly. And it hurt – it really did – but he said... he said that he bet that my fat had softened the blow. And so..." she indicates her blackened eye "...he punched me in the face. Then he started going on about Kasey and how being gay wasn't funny and shit and punched me again and again."

And now I understand. Because I've seen it all before. Barry's trying to change society because he can't change his sister. The same way that my blonde 'girlfriend' from my schooldays tried to tell people that gay was okay. But everyone backs down in the end, and her parents found her hanging on the end of a rope six months after that fatal kiss. It tore me to pieces at the time – I'd given up so much of my life for someone that gave up on theirs altogether. I contemplated joining her for many months; a box of painkillers stashed under my bed, ready for me to take in my darkest hour. But I was always too weak to take them, so they just stayed there collecting the dust.

Michael's office door bangs open, and he walks out, his eyes widening as he sees Rhiannon battered face buried in Sonya's chest. He's asking everyone what's happened, but nobody's answering – everybody's just staring at one another. And then someone else walks out of his office. Someone with a short blonde bob, a curved beak and brown eyes which skate across the crazy scene before her.

"What was she doing in there?" Nikki's pointing at Christine; furious. And Michael smiles his patronising smile at her and tells her that Christine came to inform him of the rumours spreading throughout the school; the rumours about Nikki and me. And I don't think that he understands that isn't something to smile about. That this isn't something that you can kiss better to make it all go away. Because it won't fucking go away, and I've finally accepted that. It will follow me from place to place, driving me to madness and back again and again.

And then something snaps inside me. "Just stay out of it!" I half-scream at him, storming out the door and down the corridor away from him and his refusal to understand what I'm going through. Away from Christine and her snide comments and determination to fuck my life up. Away from Sonya; the constant reminder of the demons from my past. Away from Rhiannon; the living shadow of my former-self. Away from Nikki.

Then it hits me that I can't leave Nikki behind in that lions' den, so I spin around; my Louboutin heels skidding against the floor, and then the ground flies up to meet me. I land on the wooden floorboards with a resounding CRASH and feel a sharp pain travel up my leg, but there's no time to worry about that now and I feel someone pulling me to my feet. It's Nikki, and she's asking me if I'm okay. And I'm not. I'm not okay at all. But it's not like spilling my heart out to her is going to help either of us right now; so I tell her that I'm fine and she helps me to hobble along the corridor and through the car park. And she leads me to her car. And helps me to get in.

"What are you doing?!" I ask her.

"Taking you away from here to give you some time to clear your head..." she replies grimly.

And then she's strapping my seatbelt on for me. And walking around the car, getting in and doing up her own. She turns a key and the car starts trembling like crazy. And then she puts her foot down. And drives me away.


	17. Chapter 17

**Thanks for your reviews - especially the person who left me that really cute review this morning! :) Hope you guys like this chapter - it's got a bit more a****bout Nikki in it because I figured that she needed some developing. Enjoy! :)**

Nikki's frustratingly calm as she drives us along the road away from the school and I can't stand it. My heart's hammering itself out of my chest and she's tapping a rhythm out onto her steering wheel. My eyes are swimming with salty tears and she's splashing through puddle after puddle not giving a shit. My lips are trembling with the ghosts of questions I'm too scared to ask her and hers are pursed as she whistles out a jolly tune.

"How can you do this?" I burst out suddenly.

"Do what?" she asks, confused.

"This..." I tell her. "Driving along... like nothing's fucking happened..."

"Because nothing has," she explains. And that shuts me up alright. Because everything's happened today. My whole fucking world's imploded; blasting me out of my cracked shell into an alternate universe and I don't like it at all. Any hope I had of returning to my former self disappeared into thin air when all of the people that made my dream came true found out about my shameful sinning; my lusting for other women; my secret second life that I kept locked out of the public eye. The world saw through my ruse like a sheet of glass and now it hates me almost as much as I hate myself.

"How can you say that nothing's happened?" I ask her in a shaking voice as tears start to seep down my face like pus from a weeping wound.

"Because that's what my parents told me," she replies, pulling into a parking space. "After I told them that I liked girls. Because I asked them how they could still love me when God didn't love me anymore. And they asked me why they shouldn't. Because nothing had happened, they said. Nothing at all."

And I don't understand a word she's saying. How could her parents accept her for who she was when mine couldn't even look me in the face for months after Sonya blurted out across the dinner table that half the school had seen me 'snogging the face off the new girl'. In his shock my dad forgot how to swallow and began to choke on his chicken. And mum had to slap him on the back so that he could breathe again. And that was a sign he said. A sign that God was angry with me. A sign that God wanted me to change. So he booked a series of sessions with the vicar; determined that they would turn my life around. And they did. I went from being happy-go-lucky to being a soulless shell. I went from thanking God every night to praying to him to change me. I went from skipping down the street to spending my whole life in my bedroom with a razor in my hand; trying to mop up the blood. And the whole time my sleeves were getting longer and longer.

"But your friends..." I begin.

"They didn't give a shit about it. Most of my mates were guys so as far as they were concerned me being gay just meant that we could perve over the same gals together." She laughs at the memory. "And then I joined the army and had the good sense not to blab about my sexuality."

And that really fucks me up. Because it seems like she's been self-accepting since the start of time, whereas twenty years down the line from when I first realised that I preferred girls I'm still not entirely comfortable in myself, let alone comfortable with other people knowing about my feelings for other women. And maybe that's why I'd been alone for so long until I met Nikki; too afraid to let anyone else in. And maybe that's why I didn't move in for that kiss before the holidays. And maybe that's why I stood there in silence when she asked me out for a drink.

Was it really just last week that I kissed her in her office after catching that druggie? Because I don't know where that spark of reckless courage came from, and I haven't seen it since. I want to kiss her now though, and let the windows of her car steam up whilst we make out on the backseat. But that wouldn't really appropriate given the current situation and my unstable state of mind, so I cast my fantasy out of my mind and turn back to Nikki.

"How old were you... when you... you know... kissed a girl... for the first time?" I ask her.

She takes a while to answer this question, her eyes moving from side to side as she tries to remember her first kiss.

"I'm not sure... fourteen, fifteen... something like that... A long time ago..." she laughs. "We were just talking about life and stuff and then she leant in for a kiss..."

"Like this?" I say, leaning across to kiss her on the lips. And before I know what's going on I'm climbing over the gearstick and straddling her, in her car, in the middle of a car park of empty cars. Her lips are parted in shock, and I press my body against hers; my lips brushing softly against hers as I do so. And then she's kissing back. Furious. Passionate. And our tongues are fighting and my hands are on her neck, tangling in her hair, and I can feel her glistening sweat all over them. And I like it. And her hands are travelling up my dress, and they're like ice blocks on the small of my back. And I like that too. And she's smiling through the kiss, making me forget about my shitty day. And I like that the most of all.


	18. Chapter 18

**Here's Chapter 18 and I don't like it much but you can see what you make of it. Thanks for all your lovely reviews on my last chapter - I was in a bad place last night and getting your reviews was the only thing putting a smile on my face so thank you so much! :)**

I can still taste her on my lips as she pulls away ten minutes later, frantically hissing that someone's coming, and helping me to clamber back into my own seat. We try to act casual as the man, an elderly bloke with a bushy grey beard, walks past, and then I start trying to make my way back onto Nikki again, but she stops me by placing her hand on my knee.

"We have to go back," she says, making my heart plummet. 'Back'. There is no 'back' for me. 'Back' is the place where my demons reside; ready to devour me should I return. I can't go there, but I love Nikki too much to go on, so I'm just trapped here, weighing her down like an anchor.

"How can we go back? How can we go and face... them?" I whisper, my eyes yet again filling with tears; tears of terror, tears of weakness, tears of shame. Because I am simply not ready to confront the people who will scorn me for whom I love. I just want to sit in this car forever, with Nikki's cool skin against mine, and her chaffed lips trailing up my arm; kissing every scars, and her blue eyes looking into mine; telling me that everything's going to be alright – telling me lies.

I lied to myself for years; going to bars, flirting with men, trying to like it; trying and failing, because as much as I wanted to be I was simply not attracted to any of them. Sometimes they'd have a bit too much to drink and try to kiss me, getting so close that I could smell the alcohol of their breath before I fled. I would run back to my car, pull out a cigarette and try to smoke my soul out, before driving home and trying to bleed it out. It never worked though; I simply ended up scarred inside and out, driven to the point of ruin and back. Now I'm tumbling down a metaphorical waterfall, with jagged rocks below and Nikki trying to cast a rope out to save me. But part of me fears that she's fighting a losing battle. Because part of me has already given in.

The roar of the engine jerks me out of my thoughts and I turn to Nikki with a wide-eyed stare, asking her where she's taking me. And she tells me that she's taking me to the school, and I'm begging her to take me anywhere but there until the tears are crashing down into my lap and my breathing is shallow and panicked.

"We can't... we can't go back!" I whimper.

"Why not?" she says; irritatingly calm.

"They'll rip us to pieces..."

"No they won't... Michael will probably have words with them about it..."

"What about the staff?" I'm frantically hunting around for excuses now.

"What about them?"

"They'll hate us..."

"For what? Being gay... Really Lorraine, they've got better things to do with their emotions than waste them on hating us..." she laughs.

I fall silent, thinking about what she's saying, and thinking about Audrey and her prayer. 'Forgive her God, for she has sinned.' And then he's on top of me. With a bible in his hand, and his cross necklace dangling in my face. And I'm terrified, but he's pinned me down so that I can't move. And then I don't feel anything but the pain, the humiliation and the shame. And I'm trying to block everything out, but above the hurting I can hear his croaky, maddened voice crying out verses of Leviticus. And then he's sitting back. And watching me soak up the blood. Telling me that I can bleed out my sinful lust, and then kneeling down to pray. And so I go home and grab a knife from the kitchen and drag it across my forearm over and over, watching as the blood dribbles out; praying to a god that I don't believe in that it's going to change me.

We're driving into the car park now. Lunch is over, so everyone's inside, but I'm still shaking as I step out of Nikki's car; telling her that I can't do this over and over, not listening as she tries to convince me that I can. My leg is still in agony from my tumble earlier, and I limp to the school with her at my side; ready to catch me should I fall.

And then we're walking up to Michael's office and opening the door. Rhiannon's gone, but Sonya's sitting at her desk, white faced, staring unblinkingly at the phone lying in front of her. She doesn't notice as we walk in, so I walk up to her and shake her gently; asking what's wrong.

"It's m-m-mum..." she cries. "The nurse just r-r-rang... and said... and said that she only has a few... a few... a few hours left to live."

I stare at her when she says that; unemotional. I haven't seen my mother for years – I just pay for her to be kept in a home to keep her away from me, because, like Sonya, she is a reminder of my past. She stopped dad from kicking me out the house, but she never stopped him from sending me to the vicar; she encouraged him. And then when I got back she would sit me down and try to get me to pray. She would get me to fucking pray that I'd be able to change from my sinful ways; change from being myself.

And that is why I don't cry as I walk with Sonya to my car. And that is why my face is as blank as a sheet of canvas as I do up my seatbelt. And that is why I feel nothing as I drive Sonya to our mother's care home. They care for her there more than she ever cared for me.

Sonya breaks down before we've even reached my mother's room, but I remain detached from everything and everyone; my heart as cold as a stone. But as indifferent as I am, I am not prepared for the sight of my mother, lying on a bed with a tube in her throat and machines beeping around her. She looks so fragile; so weak, that I cannot bring myself to hate her any more.

And then she looks up at me; her tired eyes looking straight into mine. And in a terribly feeble croak she asks a question that I am too afraid to answer.

"Who are you?" she says.


	19. Chapter 19

**This chapter is a bit shorter but hopefully you'll like it anyway! This chapter also means that my FanFic has reached 20 000 words in 9 days! Someone tell me what a social life is...**

**As always, thanks for your lovely reviews - they are very much appreciated! :)**

_Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep._

I stare at my mother for some time, listening to her rattling breath as I try to think of an honest answer. But I can't think of one. Because I really don't know who I am any more. I am Lorraine Donnegan, 32, philanthropist and businesswoman. I am Lorraine, lesbian, in a relationship with Nikki Boston. I am nothing, no-one, a walking bundle of shame.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

My mother's breaths are getting heavier, and it's clear that she's struggling to breathe. Sonya's beside her, tears flooding down her face as she watches my mother's chest rise and fall beneath the blanket covering her fragile body. I'm looking at the 'DO NOT RESUSCITATE' sign above her head. Resuscitation; the kiss of life. My mother could have given me the kiss of life twenty years ago. She could have accepted me for who I was rather than trying to mould me into her perfect model of a daughter. But she didn't. And now she never will.

_Beep. Beep._

Her upper lip is turning a terrible shade of blue, and her eyes are half-closed. I can see one of her feet poking out from under her blanket, now whiter than the scars running up my arms. And I want to give her some dignity in death, so I move the sheeting so that she is covered, shuddering as I feel the cold of her skin against my hands; the same hands that she forced together time and time again in a form of twisted prayer. She prayed to God to change me herself because she was so ashamed. But he didn't; he dropped me into a bottomless pit of despair and left me to rot.

_Beep._

There are no bitter feelings anymore; there's just regret. Regret for the things that should have and could have been. And I want to change my past, I really do, but it's there to stay; set in stone like the Lord's name on my father's grave. And now all I can say is goodbye.

"I love you mum," I say.

"I love you too," comes her feeble whisper over the sound of the ventilator.

_The sound of silence._

Sonya closes my mother's eyes so that she could be sleeping, and she's peaceful in death; she really is, lying there completely still. Not like my father's body which twitched and shook for about an hour after he died, leaving us staring at him in horror. I didn't go to his funeral. I didn't watch as they lowered his casket into the ground. I didn't cry as the vicar read out a blessing. Because I was glad to see him go.

The nurses are coming in now. And removing the tube from mum's nose and switching off the machines. And telling us that they'll leave us in peace to say our goodbyes. And they're walking out. And I'm going with them. Because I've already said everything that I want to.

I turn as I leave though, and watch as Sonya cries by my mother's side; rocking back and forth as she asks her why she had to leave. She doesn't reply though, because she's dead. Gone. Never coming back.

Even the clouds are crying when I step outside; trying to show up my lack of emotion as I walk to my car and drive away. But this time I don't put my foot down so hard on the accelerator. Because there's nothing for speed to kill anymore. Part of me died with my mother. Because I forgave her. And I think that's what I needed to do.

I decide to take a long route home along the waterfront, and as I drive along I see many couples walking along hand in hand. I see an elderly couple; the woman with greying hair, the man with no hair at all. I see a teenager in a Waterloo Road tie kissing someone wearing a Havelock High one. I see a young, clean-shaven man with his arm wrapped around the waist of another man; this one bearded. And no-one seems to give a shit.

My house seems a bit hot when I walk into it, so I decided to leave the door open to get in some fresh air. Then I go to the kitchen and pour myself a glass of white wine and, although I'm alone, I raise my glass in a toast to my mother before drinking it. Out of the corner of my eye I spot something glinting on the granite surface and I turn around to investigate. It's a knife with a jagged blade, similar to the one that I used to cut myself all those years ago.

I pick the knife up and roll back my sleeve, comparing the faded line just above the crook of my arm with the shape of the blade, gently pressing the knife against my slowly healing skin.

Then there's a CRASH behind me, and I jump; the knife cutting into my arm as I do so.


	20. Chapter 20

**Sorry for not updating this morning - I went out and found my social life (and a couple of tops and a couple of pairs of jeans), but here's Chapter 20 for you - better late than never, eh? Thanks for all of your lovely reviews on my previous chapter - they really keep me going! :)**

Blood dribbles down my arm as I stare; horror-stuck, at the cut that my knife made. There are footsteps behind me, but I don't have time to register them before I am overcome by the pain; collapsing by the sink, my head smashing against the basin as I do so. I lie on the floor like an abandoned teddy bear; limbs pointing awkwardly in all directions, my head lolling forwards.

"Lorraine! Lorraine! Are you okay?!" comes a woman's voice from above me and I look up to see an angel bending over me, gazing into my face with concern in her sapphire eyes. And she's reaching down and touching me and I can feel myself shaking as she rearranges my body so that I'm lying down; one hand underneath my head, the other spreading across the floor. And I'm squinting up at her, trying to see who she is, but I can't see anything other than the concerned cobalt eyes staring into my own. And I'm trying to get up, and she's pushing me down and her irises are narrowing into thin blue rings and I'm gazing into her pupils and I can see someone looking back at me from them, and they're getting bigger and bigger until all I can see is black.

I'm five and chasing after butterflies and laughing as my mother runs after me with Sonya's chubby hand in her own. I'm eight and my mother's combing my hair and arranging it into long plaits with pretty pink ribbons before we go to Sunday Mass. I'm eleven and skipping through long fields of corn and getting hopelessly lost and not caring at all. I'm fourteen and lying on the cold church floor; struggling hopelessly to get up as a faceless stranger forces me down and makes me feel pain like I've never felt before.

"Stay down, Lorraine! You've got to stay still for me to bandage you up!" I hear the angel say as I slip back into consciousness. I'm lying on my marble kitchen floor and there's warm hands running up my arm, and cool water splashing onto it and then a rough dressing. Someone's patting my head awkwardly with soft hands brushing the hair out of my face, and I can hear the voice of the angel telling me that it'll get better. My eyelids are stuck together, and I'm trying to open them, and it takes a few tries before I'm successful. Then my eyes fly open and I see a blindingly bright light, and an angel's hand reaching toward my face, and then the floor. The floor that's covered with a splattering of blood making my eyeballs roll into the back of my skull once again.

I'm seventeen and watching the blood trickle down my forearm and turning in horror as Sonya bursts into my room, sees that I'm bleeding and calls mum who comes in and makes me pray. I'm twenty with millions in the bank, yet I still feel poor. I'm twenty-three putting a pile of notes onto the bar counter and asking for another drink whilst sitting on the lap of a stranger. I'm twenty-six, ripping up thousands of old photos and casting them into the sea as if that will make the memories go away. I'm twenty-nine, standing at the top of a cliff glaring down at the jagged rocks below as someone screams 'don't go!'

"Stay with me Lorraine, please!" comes the frantic, beautiful voice of the angel above me. And I'm falling, falling, falling off the edge of the cliff, but landing in the strong arms of my saviour rather than on sharp stones. I'm bleeding as if I've hit one though; I can feel my blood pulsating against the binding on my arm, and it's slowly soaking through.

I'm thirty-two and watching as a gorgeous woman enters the staffroom; with a sleek black bob, and perfect lips and eyes bluer than the sea. I'm thirty-two and struggling to control the urge to kiss her as she introduces herself to the staff. I'm thirty-two and offering her a cup of tea because that's the most I can give her right now.

I'm thirty-two and sitting in a meeting and trying not to make it obvious that I want her lips pressed against mine. I'm thirty-two and walking down the corridor talking about stolen cars when all I really want to talk about is stolen hearts. I'm thirty-two and a strange man is grabbing me by the wrists and pulling me through the school kitchens until Nikki bursts in and saves me.

I'm thirty-two and in her office and listening as she tells me that she wanted to prove herself to me. I'm thirty-two and telling her that the last thing that I think of her is that she's manageable. I'm thirty-two and giving in to all temptations and kissing her on the lips; pulling away, seeing the longing in her eyes and kissing her again.

My head is banging as I open my eyes, screwing them tightly shut as the light glares into them. Nikki is stroking my hair, coaxing me to open my eyes again and telling me everything is going to be okay. And as I open my eyes again I know that I believe her. And I tell her so. And then I burst into tears.

Nikki pulls me into a hug and rubs my back in consolation as I weep into her chest. I'm not just crying for the loss of my mother; I'm crying for my lost childhood, because it could have been so different if it wasn't for the attitudes of the most important people in my life. And I'm sobbing because I finally accept that it wasn't my fault. I'm shedding tears of regret that I spent twenty years of my life punishing myself by shutting myself in a cage and throwing the key out of the bars; just beyond my reach.

And then my phone is ringing and, almost instinctively, I reach for it and pick it up.


	21. Chapter 21

**Here's Chapter 21 and it's specially dedicated to whoever reviewed saying that they didn't like cliffhangers (you'll see why)! Thanks for all of your lovely reviews (and tweets) - and hopefully you'll like this chapter more than I do! :)**

"Hello Lorraine," comes Tom's crackling voice from my phone.

"Hey Tom," I sigh.

"Look, I don't mean to be a pain, but have you seen Nikki?"

"Yeah, I have actually..." I say with a smirk on my face.

"Where is she?" Tom's delight is obvious; even over the phone. So I decide to shatter it.

"Here. At my house. With me." I giggle deliriously with a sudden burst of confidence.

"Oh... Errr okay... Bye..." he says, clearly disappointed.

"Toodles!" I snigger as I hang up.

"Well that's got rid of him!" I tell Nikki triumphantly, sitting up suddenly; much too suddenly – my head's starts throbbing madly and I have to rest it against the kitchen cabinet. Nikki looks at me; concerned, and asks if I want some painkillers, but I say no because the pain makes me feel human. That was one of the reasons I kept slicing myself open, night after night, because the pain made me human in a world where I was labelled a monster for turning my affections to women over men.

Nikki's standing up now, and moving away from me; rifling through cupboard after cupboard. I ask her what she's doing and she tells me that she's looking for a mop and I offer to fetch it for her, but her stubborn streak prevents her for accepting my offer of help, so I just relax and watch her as she moves around the room; silently admiring the shape of her body, the way her hips sway with every step, her smooth legs slowly making their way away from me and out the room.

Nikki being out the room gives me time to think, and my mind slides over the events of the day; from my initial terror at being so publically outed to my self-disgust at my lack of emotion at the death of my own mother. And then I'm thinking about Audrey and her complete and utter faith and devotion to the religion that took my life to the point of ruin. And I don't hate her anymore. I pity her.

I spent years of my life going to sleep with the knowledge that I had sinned that day with my lustful feelings towards women and I would wake up the next morning full of fear because I knew that I would be unable to stop myself from sinning again. I spent every fucking second of every fucking day hating myself for something that I was powerless to control. And it took me almost two decades to realise that my sexuality wasn't my problem – it was society's. Because if I'm happy and I'm not doing anything to hurt anyone then what should it matter who I'm kissing? I'm the one 'sinning', I'm the one that's provoking God's wrath, I'm the one headed for hell; not them, so why do they feel the constant need to try to change me into someone that I'm not?

Nikki returns to the kitchen doing a triumphant war dance with my mop raised above her head; a bucket in her hand. She fills the bucket with water from my sink and then begins to mop the floor; bending over towards me. And her shirt is gaping. And I'm trying to avert my eyes but I like the view too much to keep them away forever. She glances over at me; smirking as she follows my line of eyesight to her cleavage.

"If you're well enough to be perving on me, then you're well enough to clean this blood up yourself," Nikki grins. She has the perfect smile, she really does; pearly white teeth, cute little dimples in her cheeks, luscious red lips. Lips that I want against my own. Lips that I need against my own.

And so I stand up and walk slowly over to her; slowly taking the mop out of her hand and resting it against the kitchen surface. Then I seize her hand with mine and lead her out of the room; walking slowly as so not to upset my aching head. I take her along the hallway, up the stairs and into my bedroom.

SLAM! Nikki's forcing my body against the wall so hard that I'm surprised that the plaster doesn't crack into a billion tiny pieces and shower us as we stand there; two women, two hearts, two souls; united as one by the placing of our lips against each other; bound by desire, bound by passion, bound by love.

Her tongue is fast and frantic; her lips gliding smoothly over my own. And then she's biting down on my lower lip. Slow. Sensual. And I like it; I like it a lot, but with our lips locked together I can't tell her, so I show her; making the kiss deeper, more passionate; moving my hands slowly down her back to the waistline of her shorts. And I'm tugging on them; opening my eyes to watch as they slide down her legs. She steps out of them, kicking her shoes off as she does so. And then my hands are slipping up her shirt; and I'm feeling her body, and suddenly I want more than just my hands against her; I want it to be just me and her; with no material acting as a barrier between us. She slackens her grip on me as I help her to pull her top over her head, and then unzips my red dress; watching as it drops to the floor at my feet.

And then her lips are on mine again. She kisses me once on the lips and then moves lower; dropping a trail of kisses down my body as she does so. She's kissing along the side of my neck, between my breasts, down my stomach. Then she's going lower; kissing along the waistband of my underwear, her arms wrapped around my lower back. And then she's standing up again abruptly, picking me up in her strong arms and carrying me to the bed, laying me down gently on my silk covers before climbing on top and...

WHAM! The bedroom door crashes open!


	22. Chapter 22

**Was so tempted to have Dobby come in, but I didn't feel that it would be entirely appropriate so there's no house elves in this chapter... **

**Whoever asked me how I write this quick - it's one of the perks of being an antisocial git that never leaves the house :)**

**This chapter is pretty rubbish repayment for all of your amazingly nice reviews so sorry :(**

Nikki's body blocks my view; so I can't see who's come in. But I can hear them; their breath heavy as if they've been running, and at the sight of Nikki's nearly-naked body straddled over my equally undressed one they let out an audible gasp. And then Nikki's rolling off me; exposing all of my flesh to an intruder that I'm desperately hoping with all my heart to be Sonya; despite knowing that it can't be because my little sister will still be weeping her fucking heart out by the side of my mother's dead body.

"It seems that I have... interrupted something..." comes a sneering voice from the door. It's a voice that I recognise, but I cast a glance at the door anyway, just to confirm my fears. It's Tom, and I freeze in shock at the sight of him, but I don't think that he's even noticed my reaction – his mouth is pulled back into a leer, and beneath his shining forehead his maddened eyes are looking straight at Nikki; trailing along her legs to her toned thighs, passing up her stomach to the cleavage accentuated by her navy bra, travelling to her face which wears a look of horror identical to the one which I can feel spreading across my own face.

And all of a sudden I'm moving; fast as a lightning bolt; pulling my legs to my chest to preserve what's left of my modesty before grabbing a handful of bed sheets; tugging them out from underneath Nikki's frozen body before throwing them over the both of us. With my body now covered and my decency reclaimed, I order Tom to leave.

"But... but... I need... a word with... a word with Nikki..." he says, glancing at her again.

"You can speak to her tomorrow. Now leave." I snarl.

"Tomorrow... tomorrow's Saturday," Tom moans.

"Good," I say. "Means that I won't have to see you. Now get out."

Tom realises that his time is up and casts a final glance at Nikki before turning on his heel and leaving. I listen as he stomps along the corridor, down the stairs and out of the door which I left open all those hours ago. I hear the slam of the door then scramble to the window and watch as he walks down my drive, climbs into his car and leaves. Then I turn to Nikki, who's lying completely still; her face now an unreadable emotionless mask.

"What the fuck was that all about?" I ask her. She doesn't reply; instead she rolls over so that she's face down in my bed; her dark hair splayed out over my silky pillows. My confusion intensifies, and I've never seen Nikki in a mood like this before, but I know her better than to push her for answers, so I climb out of bed and find a pair of grey joggers and a baggy purple hoodie which I pull on before chucking Nikki her shorts and another one of my hoodies; letting them fall onto the bed beside her. Then I walk out of the room to give her some time to herself.

I go downstairs and pour myself out a glass of white wine which I down in a few gulps before refilling my glass and taking it to the table. There's no red wine in my house, because it brings back too many painful memories. The vicar always made me drink wine as red as the flow of blood from between my legs after our 'little sessions' as if intoxicating my body with alcohol would make everything better. 'The blood of Christ' he would call it; downing a glass himself once he'd finished praying to God to forgive me for my sins. If it wasn't for the vicar plying me with alcohol after every one of our fucking meetings I think that I would have turned to drink long ago; as Christine did; but I learnt at a very young age that the alcohol didn't take the pain away; it just numbed it for a while.

There's a few minutes of silence in my house as I sip on my wine whilst Nikki lies motionless upstairs, then I hear the creak of feet on the floorboards and turn to see her walk into the room dressed in her own beige shorts and my yellow hoodie, and it's such a horrific combination that I have to stifle a laugh. Indeed, if it wasn't for the sombre expression on her beautiful face I would probably have laughed out loud, but given her solemn look it seems entirely inappropriate, so instead I just watch her as she moves to sit on the kitchen table next to me, pulling a face as she realises that we never finished clearing up the blood earlier which has began to darken in colour.

"Look, Lorraine, there's something... something that I should have... maybe... mentioned to you..." Nikki begins to stutter. I look at her, my face the epitome of confusion, because I really have no clue what she's going to tell me. So I just stare at her, mystified, and ask her what it is.

"When we were... in Rochdale... and I was an English teacher..." she begins, screwing her eyes up as if to block out the memories. "Tom and I were... sort of... together..."


	23. Chapter 23

**This chapter is a bit shorter, but hope you enjoy it anyway! :)**

I struggle to comprehend what Nikki is saying – after all of her patronising shit about accepting yourself for who you are she's decided to admit to me that she had a fucking relationship with a MAN. A fucking man. After everything she told me about how self-accepting she was. I'm angry. I'm beyond angry. I'm fucking livid.

And she's telling me some shit about how much of a gentleman he was, and she thought that maybe with time he'd be able to turn her. To fucking turn her. She told me that she was proud to be gay – what did she want _turning_ for? And besides, it never works – I spent enough time sitting on the laps of handsome, rich men to know that; you can let them wrap their arm around you, buy you drinks, shower you with compliments... but when it comes to anything more physical than a peck on the cheek it doesn't feel right at all. I mean you could spend your life with a man and pass off as straight, but you wouldn't be living your life, would you? You'd just be crawling through an endless series of dark tunnels trying to find the light but you NEVER WOULD because you'd be stuck in a situation in which you could never be truly happy.

Nikki's talking about how Tom's continuous attempts to capture her heart were flattering. And she's saying that she wanted to like him, she really did, and she thought that maybe if she got with him she'd eventually fall in love with him. But she never did. Because she never loved him; she just wanted to. Because it's the easiest option, isn't it? You can walk down the street hand-in-hand with a boy and no-one will give a fuck. You can kiss a boy by the sea without hearing shouts of 'dykes' and 'lezbos'. You can build a family with a boy in full knowledge that your children won't get bullied to death for who their parents are.

But life isn't about building an umbrella to protect yourself; life is about learning to dance in the rain. And only when you can feel the rain and still dance in it can you truly live. Until then you are just a shadow moving from place to place trying to be happy being someone else. And that's not living; that's existing and nothing more.

Now Nikki's telling me why it didn't work out between her and Tom; she simply wasn't ready for the physical aspect of the relationship, because she didn't want to share her body with a man that deep inside she knew that she could never love. So one day she pushed him away as he moved in for a kiss, and told him that it was over; that she never loved him and never would. Then she turned her back on him and walked out of the door as he stood in silence staring at her. The break-up was one of the reasons she didn't move to Greenock with the rest of the staff at Waterloo Road when the school first underwent the transition; apparently he kept trying to rekindle the relationship with her, with little touches, suggestive comments and a constant bundle of compliments.

I'm glad she came up to Scotland eventually though; more glad than she could ever know. Because she saved me from myself. She pulled me from the wreck of my cracked and battered shell and showed me a world of acceptance, even if she didn't know it at the time. Because despite the fact that I presented myself to the world as a strong, rich, heartless bitch, I would come home and cry myself to sleep most nights; my tears forming oceans on my bed sheets, submerging me, drowning me.

"Do you hate me?" Nikki asks.

"Of course not," I tell her, my answer surprising myself more than anything. Because despite my initial anger at her confession I'm now mellowed out; relaxed – almost sympathetic. Why should I hate her for trying to conform with society's ideals, because didn't I spend years of my life in bars trying (and failing) to do just that? Society labelled me as a monster and I believed them, locking myself in a cage, trying to keep my filthy mind from the world.

"Thank you, darling," she kisses me softly on the lips, and I stand up to reciprocate the kiss; my wooden chair clattering against the floor as I do so. And then I take her to the bedroom. And she takes me home.

**I'm about to go on holiday which means that I won't be able to update for a week or so, but I'm taking lots of paper with me and I'm going to be an antisocial human being and sit in my hotel room writing, so hopefully when I get back you'll get lots of chapters very quickly! Thanks for all of your support so far, it's been so surprising and never ceases to amaze me! Hope you have a lovely week! :)**


	24. Chapter 24

**I'm baaaaack! :D Thanks for all of your absolutely lovely reviews on my last chapter - I've written 10 chapters whilst I've been away so I'm typing them up and editing them at the moment and here's the first one for you! :) Enjoy! (Btw little kids shouldn't read this chapter... well neither should anyone tbh - they might find themselves scarred for life...)**

I'm woken at nine o'clock by the soft whir of my automatic curtains, and I roll over yawning loudly only to come face-to-face with Nikki whose cobalt eyes are wide open and gazing straight into my sleepy ones; lighting up when they see that I'm awake. She kisses me softly on the nose and then crashes back down onto the silk beddings beside me as I glance around the room. It's shamefully obvious what happened last night; the sweat soaked sheets are in disarray, with white pillows covering the carpet. I grin at Nikki and snuggle into her so that my chest is pressed against her back before moving my mouth to her ear and nibbling softly before asking her if she wants to take a shower.

Nikki rolls over. "I'd love to," she murmurs, kissing me again before stretching and climbing out of bed. I follow suit a few seconds later, and then we're both standing awkwardly in my bedroom, neither of us really sure what to do, so I decide to break the intensity of the moment by stripping off completely. I'm naked and vulnerable and exposed and quite frankly; I don't give a shit. Nikki takes a bit longer to get undressed; slowly peeling off the T-Shirt that I lent her (somewhat unwillingly) at the end of last night.

And then we're both naked in the shower with hot water gushing all over us. We're facing each other, but whilst Nikki is entirely comfortable in her body, using both of her hands to wash herself clean, I'm not yet ready for that level of exposure in such close proximity; our bodies brushing against each other, and attempt to use one hand to cover myself. Nikki decides to take advantage of the situation by 'helping me to wash myself'; and I disgust myself by admitting that I actually _like_ the feeling of her warm, foamy hands lightly massaging my breasts, and I like her lips too; pressing softly against my own; her tongue gently whirling in my mouth with mine; her hand slowly edging down my body. And then we're not just kissing anymore; we're flying, and it seems a wonder that God didn't give us wings.

"I guess you'll want to borrow some of my clothes again..." I grin, following Nikki out of the shower. "...unless you want to stay like that for me, of course."

She rolls her eyes at me. "Well it is quite a hot day..." she begins, making my heart leap in guilty excitement. "...but no, I think clothes are the best option today."

I try to hide my bitter disappointment as I show Nikki my walk-in-cupboard and tell her to take whatever she wants before grabbing a pretty floral dress and taking it back into my bedroom to change into. Nikki joins me about a minute later; carrying a pair of black jeans and a white T-Shirt which she leaves on my bed before walking over to me and offering to zip me up. Once I'm in my dress I leave her to get herself ready; making my way downstairs to make some breakfast.

A quick glance around my kitchen confirms that I have all of the necessary components for a full English breakfast, so I head across the room; pausing when I reach the pool of sticky scarlet blood at the base of the sink. The situation is so familiar that it almost makes me retch; leaving me with the taste of vomit at the back of my throat as I try my hardest not to remember my past.

I'm seventeen; crouched in the corner of my bedroom; a razor blade poised above my arm. And then I'm dragging it along my skin; feeling the serrated edge tear through my soft flesh. Feeling it and enjoying it. As the blood drips from my arm onto the floor I'm happier than I have been in days, because I'm human again; not just some hideous beast trapped in the corner of the playground; perfect prey for attack. But then the blood's running dry and the flow is slowing and I can't feel the happy anymore – I can just feel the pain, so I pick up my razor and lower it to my arm once again; cutting myself to make the pain go away, over and over again until there are fresh cuts running all the ray up my forearm, and a puddle of blood on the floor; a puddle of blood, a puddle of tears, a puddle of shame.

The eggs are gently frying in their pan now; the bacon slowly sizzling and the baked beans warming. I'm chopping up mushrooms when Nikki stumbles into the kitchen; yawning loudly. She decides to lay the table; travelling from drawer to drawer looking for some cutlery. I walk up behind her, tap her on the shoulder and nudge her in the right direction before reaching up and kissing her on the cheek.

"You were amazing last night, darling," she whispers before returning the kiss; on the lips this time. And then I'm dropping my knife onto the hard marble floor in my desperation to get closer to her; tangling my hands in her hair, feeling her hot, frantic lips against my own, tasting her cherry chapstick on my tongue and liking it. Last night it was citrus and I liked that too. I liked her tongue; warm and wet against my own, and I liked her lips; chaffed, trailing kisses down the length of my body, and I liked her hands; cool against the warmth of my breasts. And I liked her tongue and her fingers and her tongue and her fingers and my clit, and it was the way it was always meant to be. And when it was over and I was lying on my back sweating and panting as the last pulsations of energy spread through my body, she slid back up the bed towards my head, wiped my dripping hair from my forehead and kissed me on the lips once again. And it was perfect.

Now that same woman is kissing me in the kitchen; pulling me close to her; sidestepping the pool of blood on the floor; moving her hands up my back. And we would have stayed that way forever if it wasn't for the irritating beeping of my timer signalling that the eggs were ready.


	25. Chapter 25

**This chapter is pretty short and rubbish, but it's here :) Thanks for all of your reviews - and 'Soph the reviewer' I had a great time - I went to Austria and the weather varied between sunburn-inducingly hot and thunderstorms! Any of you who follow me on Twitter may see lovely photos of the views somewhat ruined by my massive grin covering half of the landscape! Anyway I'll shut up now, start typing out some more chapters and let you read :)**

Once we've finished breakfast I decide to take Nikki for a walk along the river that runs through the woods near my home so that she can experience a bit more of my life; a world apart from her own. I walk down the river quite regularly, and watch the fish swim past, the ducks waddle past, the people walk past and life fly past. I often see myself as one fragile little twig being carried along by the fierce currents in a river of jagged rocks and whirlpools all destined to destroy me.

The river's flowing slower than usual today, and along with the strange stillness of the morning air, there is an eerie and unsettling feel of calm, and I don't like it at all; but I never really do out here; in the middle of nowhere and at the complete mercy of stranger after stranger. Not that we see many strangers today; for the first leg of the walk it's just me and Nikki and a couple of dog-walkers who jog past us; their dogs running ahead of them barking loudly. I don't like dogs; when I was younger I was bitten by one and ever since every time I see a dog I run away; in full knowledge that running away worsens the situation, but completely unable to control my fears.

Nikki and I hold hands as we walk along, but we drop each other every time we see someone coming along because, despite being almost totally comfortable with Nikki, I am not yet ready to share my newfound self-confidence with the world, and even though I've told Nikki (and myself) over and over that I'm ready to come clean with the world about my dirty little secret, I'm actually terrified. Terrified of how people will react to my personal choices, terrified that my past will catch up with me once again, terrified of feeling the same burning shame; the shame that hits me with crippling force when I least expect it, the shame that follows me from place to place making every new 'home' that I move to an uninhabitable living hell, the shame that I lug around myself like a mule pack.

We're almost at the end of the path when we see them; an elderly man with a few tufts of greying hair, rotting pointed teeth and a snake-like tongue which he keeps using to wet his utter lip, with a crying girl by his side. From a distance she looks about eight, but as we get closer to the pair we realise that she's probably closer to five. His wrinkly, veined hand is grasping her plump pink one and as we pass them we hear snippets of their conversation.

"It hurt," says the girl; tears falling down her rosy cheeks. "Please don't do it again."

"It's meant to hurt... you'll get used to it..." the old man croaks.

"No... please... I don't want..." her voice fades off into the distance and I turn around; hoping to hear more but instead catching a terrible sight; red streaks running down the back of one of the girl's legs; starting somewhere in her baby blue shorts and trickling down, down, down.

And suddenly I'm angry. I want to pick up a metal mallet and smash them to pieces. Not just the filthy, perverted paedophile, but also the little girl. Because she reminds me of my shame. She takes me back to when I was a child and I lay crying on the cold church floor begging the vicar to leave me alone. She makes me fall back in time to when I stuffed toilet paper into my pants to try to stem the bleeding. She gives me a metaphorical kick in the stomach so hard that I can think of nothing beyond the blood splatters and tear stains that were my childhood. And I hate her for it. Because she is me; we're all the same – walking bundles of shame.

And then she's gone. Out of sight, but never out of mind; keeping me company in my darkest hours... Keeping me company but making me feel completely and utterly alone. And no-one else gives a shit because no-one else can see the demons. They just look at the cuts and scars and see a little girl desperate for attention rather than one crying out for help. Others can only ever see the physical pain that I've inflicted on myself; not the mental trauma that I've put myself through night after fucking night.

But it's not night now; it's day, and the sun's shining down on Nikki and I, and it's hot and I'm feeling sticky and unattractive whilst Nikki is looking perfect as always. And I want to be thinking about how lucky I am to have this beautiful woman to call mine. But I can't think that. All I can think about is how unlucky I am to be in a position in which I hate the one I love for showing me my true self. Because whilst the fake me is confident and cheery and fits in with all of society's stereotypes; the real me is afraid of everything, severely emotionally damaged and a social outcast. And I don't like the real me at all.


	26. Chapter 26

**Thanks for the lovely reviews on my last chapter! :) (I really need to find a better adjective than lovely - I use it so much hahaha) Anyway 'Soph The Reviewer', my Twitter is HagridIsHungry, and apologies for not putting a warning last chapter - I would add one now but I don't think you can :/.**

**Hope you like this chapter :)**

I take Nikki for lunch in a cafe near the end of the river, and we sit opposite each other; eye to eye, knee to knee, hand on hand. We decide to share a large chicken salad between us, and as we eat Nikki tells me all about her life; from her childhood in a crazy family with four older brothers and a little sister to her brief stint in the army before she finally set her heart on becoming an English teacher. Then she starts talking about her sister's wedding which was just a few weeks ago; during the holidays.

"My sister was going... up the aisle – with her pretty white dress on and everything, and then my gran tapped me and said that she couldn't wait to get a second grandson-in-law... And then she started rambling on about how I was leaving it a bit late to get married and then I didn't... didn't know what to say..."

"That's a first!" I interject with a wink.

Nikki scowls at me before continuing. "So my mother... well... she told my gran that she wasn't gonna get another grandson-in-law cause I liked girls... And then... and then... and then my gran stood up in front of the whole fucking church, pointed and me and said 'I object – the bridge's sister's a filthy dyke' and then... then she kissed her fucking cross, proclaimed that the Lord despised all sinners and stormed down the aisle out the church."

Despite not being one to let her emotions show, there are tears in Nikki's eyes when she looks up at me, and I know what's making her feel so shit because I've experienced rejection from the ones that are meant to love you time and time again; as soon as they hear that you're gay they just don't want to know anymore. They despise you; tell you that you dirty the family name, deny being related to you when questioned and, on occasion, beat the shit out of you for daring to fall in love with someone who has the same reproductive organs as you. Except they don't really beat the actual shit out of you; they beat out your self-confidence, pride and sense of belonging, leaving behind the real shit; pain, fear and above all; shame.

The waitress has come over and is asking us what we want for dessert and I haven't actually looked at the menu and so ask for 'whatever Nikki's having' which turns out to be a large ice-cream sundae sprinkled with chopped nuts meant for two. Oops. Pushing one dessert to the side, Nikki and I each pick up a spoon and start to eat and whilst glancing around at the other couples in the cafe inspiration suddenly hits me. I fill my spoon with soft ice-cream and lean across the table; placing it temptingly close to Nikki's mouth. She smiles at me as she licks the spoon clean; the corners of her eyes crinkling slightly as she does so, and her grip on my knee tightens so that it feels like she's trying to pull me closer without moving me at all. And I like it.

Now we're outside the cafe; walking side-by-side to one of two boat-hire buildings on this stretch of river, and we're asking the owner if we can hire some rowing boats.

"I don't lend to dykes," he smirks, and I'm about to tell him that we're not together and we're just friends when Nikki comes out with something much better.

"Never mind... We don't borrow stuff off judgemental little pricks either..." she smiles before grabbing my hand and pulling me towards the door; kissing me on the lips before we go through it for good measure. The kiss is fierce, angry, passionate. And it's a new Nikki; a stronger, feistier one determined to stick up for herself. And I like her a lot.

We walk over to the second boathouse; this one owned by a cheery young lad with pierced ears and a quiff who smiles at us and tells us that we look good together before handing us the keys to unchain a cute little rowing boat. He walks down to the dock to wave us off, bringing his girlfriend with him.

The river is relatively calm today (although we've been warned that there's some strong currents further down), and we drift along it at an amicable pace; Nikki taking full control of the oars whilst I sit back and watch her strong arms work to pull us along. What I wouldn't give to have those arms wrapped around me now... Conversation varies quite heavily as we move down the river; going from Barry Barry to coat hangers in a matter of minutes. The water looks warm and tempting as we drift along, and so I dip my fingers into it; flicking the water at Nikki in disgust when I discover that it's actually very cold.

Nikki reacts to the situation by scrunching up her face, and if I didn't think that it was possible for her to get any cuter; I was wrong. Nikki looks adorable with a grumpy face and tightly folded arms; the boat pulling itself on now. And so I reach forward and try to uncross her arms, to no avail, and instead try a different tact; planting a kiss on her lips. She reciprocates the kiss immediately; our tongues moving together, our lips fitting together like it was always meant to be. Nikki tastes of the ice-cream sundae which we shared for lunch and it's so delicious, so tempting, that I decide to deepen the kiss; shuffling forwards slightly on my seat. And then the boat gives an almighty LURCH and the water's splashing everywhere; going in my eyes; blinding me, and I do the only thing that I can think of; grabbing onto my seat and waiting for the rocking motion of the little boat to stop, whilst blinking really fast to get the water out of my eyes.

And then I can see, and at once I want to be blind again. Because my open eyes show me what my closed ones could not; I am now alone in the boat.


	27. Chapter 27

**Thanks so much for your lovely reviews on my last chapter - it means a lot! :)**

**I wasn't actually going to post this chapter until later, but your reviews made me decide to post it now so hope you enjoy it! :)**

I look around frantically; my eyes darting from the river to the bank and all around again; hoping... praying... to see some sign of life, but there is none. The water is very choppy here and it's almost impossible to see a thing. There are some people walking along the riverside path and I scream at them to help, but they don't hear me... or maybe they do and decide not to listen. Either way, debating the chivalry of the passers-by isn't going to help my poor beautiful girlfriend who's now been missing in these icy waters for almost a whole minute.

There's only one thing that I can do, and I'm wrestling off my second high-heeled shoe when I see a pale hand sticking up from between the choppy waves. I start attempting to manoeuvre the boat towards the arm; only to see it disappear under the crashing waves once again. I reach the spot where I thought that I saw the arm and see nothing other than filthy water filled with twigs which snap as they crash against the rocks lining the river. What if Nikki's at the bottom of there; being forced down by the waves – choking and spluttering as the water slowly fills her lungs; suffocating her? What if she's being bashed against some rocks; leaving her body beaten black and blue and her bones cracked; puncturing her major organs, ensuring that she dies in total agony? What if she's already–?

No. I refuse to think about that possibility because it defies all reason that Nikki could be gone. Nikki changed my life; dragging me from the dark of my past and flinging me into a beautiful, colourful, bright future. There would be no future without Nikki; it would be as if someone had thrown a rock at a TV causing it to malfunction and suddenly only work in black and white. Except the screen would just go black with me. Because I would rather die than watch Nikki pass away. It would be entirely my fault if Nikki died, because I was the one who rocked the boat when it was floating along in perfectly calm water. I'm the one who deserves to die.

There's a shout from the riverbank; a group of muscular young men are surrounding a limp, lifeless figure – Nikki! I row harder than I'd have thought possible; desperate to get to the bank to see her and make sure that she's okay. And then the base of my boat is grinding against the rocks and I'm climbing out and running onto the path and someone's laid my beautiful girlfriend out on the rocks and her eyes are closed and a massive wail escapes from my lips.

The men are chattering loudly in a language that I don't recognise, and they're looking at me and pointing at Nikki. And then I see it; the gentle rising and falling of her chest, the slowly flickering eyes, the trickle of water escaping from her mouth.

She sits up suddenly; coughing hard to get the remaining water from her lungs, and then she's wincing and looking down at the great, deep gash running up her leg. I tell her that she'll have to go to hospital to get it checked out, but she's shaking her head; refusing and insisting that she's perfectly capable of washing and bandaging the wound herself. Poor, stubborn Nikki.

It's as we pass a group of ogling teenage boys that something hits me. Nikki's wearing a white T-Shirt. And underneath her T-Shirt is a white bra. And both are soaking wet; see-through. And I hate it. Because Nikki is strong and tough and resilient – she shouldn't be so unintentionally exposed to such scumbags due to me. It's really not fair. But there's nothing that I can do other than tell her to keep her arms crossed and hope not to see anyone else before we get to her house.

We walk into Nikki's house and as I turn to close the door behind me, something catches my eye – a relatively shiny car parked opposite us with a man in it who's wearing large sunglasses and staring at us. He scares me, so I close the door and turn around, only to see that Nikki's gone. I hang about at the bottom of her stairs for a few minutes, not really sure what to do. Because I've never let myself be left unaccompanied in the house of a stranger – I'd be too terrified to move a muscle for fear of doing something wrong. But in Nikki's house it feels different... It feels like I belong, so I decide to climb the stairs to look for Nikki.

Nikki's stairs are covered with rips and coffee stains, with tactically positioned photo frames covering the wallpaper which is half-torn off the wall. There's lots of pictures of Nikki; with friends, and family, and ex-co-workers. And there's that picture again. Of Nikki, with her arm wrapped around another woman; both of them laughing their heads off. And it seems like such a natural photo and Nikki's so pretty in it that for a moment I'm horribly, uncontrollably jealous. My jealousy is one of my worst traits; I'm jealous of every fucking person that walks past me without being heckled by society's worst. I'm jealous of Sonya because she had the childhood that could have and should have been mine; growing up under the roof of doting parents who showered her with gifts and offered to pay for her wedding; congratulating her when she brought home her first boyfriend; bedding her the very same night. I'm jealous of Nikki, because she seems to be so self-accepting; riding the situation like a wave that I'm drowning under.

I'm at Nikki's door now, and I'm knocking, but no-one's replying, so I'm gently pushing the door open.


	28. Chapter 28

**Wooo I'm back again hahaha thanks for all of your really nice reviews on my last chapter - hopefully you'll enjoy this one!**

**'Soph the Reviewer' I completely forgot about that tweet *cringe* hahaha what's your Twitter? :)**

Nikki's room is similar to how I expected it to be; shoes lined up along the wall; army-style, a perfectly made bed and a beautiful woman in the middle of it all. A semi-naked beautiful woman, who doesn't appear to have noticed my entrance.

"Err... Nikki?" I begin. She pulls a top up to cover her chest before spinning around, spotting me, giving a sigh of relief and dropping the top; giving me an eyeful in the process. I walk over to her and ask her if she's okay before pulling her into an awkward embrace; brushing her wet hair out of her eyes and kissing her softly on the cheek. As I pull away her eyes fly open.

"I nearly drowned today... and that's all I get?!" she raises an eyebrow questioningly. And then I'm kissing her on the lips; letting our tongues dance and our hands explore. And all of a sudden Nikki isn't the only one topless, and we're both lying on her bed; me on top.

I don't know if Nikki's after more than just a kiss, and I don't know if I care; slowly moving down her body; kissing every part of it in reach; Nikki's hand tangled in my hair; pushing me down, making me go lower and lower until I'm at Nikki's crotch. And then I'm pulling her pants down and parting her and doing something I've never done before. And if this is sinning then I want to sin forever; Nikki's moans and screams of my name are like music to my ears; spurring me on; making me go deeper and faster and deeper and faster until she finally climaxes; a great breath of air escaping from her mouth as she does so. And she's in a euphoric world of her own. And she looks happy. And so I am too.

We shower when we're done; Nikki going in by herself for a few minutes to wash out her leg wound and get the filthy river mess out of her hair. I join her pretty soon, and then we're kissing; on fire surrounded by water, flying above the clouds with our feet on the ground, the richest people in the world on a road of poverty. We are together; our hearts beating as one. And I love it.

I put on the same stuff that I wore to Nikki's when I finally come out of the shower, but Nikki changes into a red T-Shirt and some navy shorts which show off her enviable figure. Then I ask her if she wants to stay around my house again tonight, and she agrees; rushing around and throwing various bits and pieces into an old rucksack. Then we head downstairs and I wait as she bandages up her leg, before taking her to my car and driving away.

The drive to my house takes about twenty minutes; even with my foot pressed hard on the accelerator, and Nikki decides to pass the time by turning the radio on, blaring out some tunes and singing along at the top of her voice. Every time a new song comes on she asks me if I know it, and every time (much to my embarrassment) I have to say 'no', because I spent the last twenty years of my life in a self built-prison cell, trying to avoid contact with the harsh reality of the cruel world in which I lived, and turning on my little radio and listening to love songs about boy-girl romances and blowjobs would have felt like cheating myself.

As I step out of my Ferrari I notice a clean-shaven man with binoculars around his neck sitting in the woods near my house, but I decide to ignore my instincts to get back into the car and drive away as fast as possible and instead take Nikki by the hand and walk with her to my front door; kissing her gently on the lips before opening it to let her in.

Nikki's been to my house quite a few times now, and I still feel slightly uncomfortable with every new visit because I've been alone for so long that having another person walking around my house feels strange to me. Not that I don't appreciate her presence; her being here has done so much to me that I can't possibly imagine life without her, and to think that she nearly drowned in that horrible icy, choppy water today... I wouldn't have been able to live with the guilt that I had caused the death of the woman that I loved and would have tied myself a noose and swung into the burning flames of hell and the devil would grin at me and say 'welcome home'. Because I've lived in hell on earth for the last twenty years of my life; carrying the devil around in my cracked heart; just one little messed-up being in a big messed-up world. But that doesn't matter anymore, because Nikki's here and she'll keep me safe.

We both kick off our shoes after walking through the front door and move straight to the living room; huddling up next to each other on the sofa; Nikki's arm around my back, my hand resting on her leg. And then I'm turning to look at her and I'm watching her eyes flicker from mine to my lips and I can't stop myself from leaning towards her and allowing our lips to come together. I close my eyes and allow the kiss to fill me completely; enjoying the feel of her hand slowly climbing up my dress to my back. My hand is on her neck now; pulling her closer to me as our tongues battle even more intensely between our mouths.

The moment is somewhat ruined by a horrible sound seeming to emerge from out of nowhere.


	29. Chapter 29

**Thanks for all of your lovely reviews! :) It's also been great to speak to some of you on Twitter :)**

**There's a bit of stuff in this chapter that little kids probably shouldn't read but I somehow doubt little kids are reading this anyway...**

**Hope you enjoy! :)**

Nikki's stomach continues rumbling for some time; the noise nicely complimenting the crashing of the thunderstorm which is just beginning outside; lightning bolts flying past the windows which I close whilst waiting for Nikki's noises of hunger to conclude. I then rummage around on the coffee table for some time; trying to find menus for a variety of different food delivery companies in the area; throwing a few to Nikki who selects a pizza takeaway service which we ring up, ordering a large margarita before crashing back down onto the sofa and flicking through the movie channels; looking for something interesting to watch.

We eventually settle on some lovey-dovey romancey shit about a man who falls in love with a woman who loves someone else and I'm on the verge of falling asleep within the first ten minutes. The film does pose some interesting questions though; the most poignant of which is a question that I've asked myself over and over throughout my miserable life – what is 'love'? My parents said that they loved me, but they took me to a cave and left me there to rot. Everyone said that God would always love me, but if God is the all-loving hero that everyone says that he is then why did he let me torture myself again and again over something that I had absolutely no control over. Nikki says that she loves me... and I think that I love her too. She led me out of my cave with a halo of light around her head showing me the way, and I don't need to have a mild concussion to know that she really is my guardian angel, my saviour, my fiercely burning candle in the dark mess that is my life.

The chiming of the doorbell interrupts my thoughts and I rush out of the room to answer it; collecting my pizza and giving the delivery boy a twenty pound note and a nod of thanks before taking the box back to the living room; flipping the lid up as I sit next to Nikki and offering her a slice before taking one for myself. The pizza is delicious, but not as delicious as the taste of Nikki's soft lips which she presses hard against my own once we've finished the last slice. She gently bites down on my lower lip sending me into a crazy moment of utter desire... and I want her... oh God I want her. I want her breasts against mine, her arms around my back, her lips moving slowly down my body; doing stuff to me that takes the memories and the pain away; leaving me in a happy, bubbling fit of complete and utter ecstasy. I want her to make me feel good. I want me to make her feel good. I want her to scream my name.

And she does; twenty minutes later when we're lying on my bed; clothes torn off in a frantic frenzy. There's passion in her lips as she moves them against mine, her tongue dancing a quickstep with mine; our limbs hopelessly entwined. And then I'm travelling down her body; trailing kisses down her torso as I go. And I'm trying to make her feel good; watching her back arch and she moans my name, watching her hands clench as she gets closer and closer to the edge; feeling her get wetter and wetter against my tongue before she finally goes over the edge as I lick her clean.

Watching Nikki orgasm fills me with a series of strange and strong emotions; because I love her and I want her to be happy but I don't want to be the one that's encouraged... maybe even enabled her to sin. But is this even a sin at all? Why is feeling good such a sin anyway? Why is God so offended by two women falling in love? I don't know how I feel about God and Christianity and religion and shit if I'm honest. I was brought up to believe every fucking word in the bible and to go to church every fucking Sunday and to say my prayers every fucking night, but why would I want to believe in a religion that messed me up so bad that I wanted to kill myself? The religion that _supported_ the actions of a man who forced himself onto me in his God-fuelled attempt to bleed my demons out of me.

Nikki's on top of me now; her hands holding my shoulders down against the bed as she slowly makes her way down my body; dropping staccato kisses as she goes; whispering words that I can't hear despite straining my ears in my desperate attempt to do so. And then she's between my legs and I'm willing her to continue and she's looking up at me with sex laden eyes. And then she's moving into me. And involuntarily, I'm screaming her name.

Now I don't care if I'm sinning; I couldn't give a shit if I'm evoking God's wrath. Because there is no God; there's just Nikki and me, and we're climbing higher than the sun; invincible in the face of a nation of brainwashed dolls determined to destroy us. We are bound by love so strong that beating after beating won't knock it out of us; because we are one; united by passion, desire and need. And I need Nikki; I really do, because I love her.


	30. Chapter 30

**Woooo Chapter 30 :oooo seriously I spend waaaay too much time writing this :')**

**Anyways, thanks for all of the lovely reviews - your questions will be answered at some point I promise :)**

**Hope you enjoy this chapter! :D**

The alarm on Nikki's phone goes off at eight o'clock; tearing me out of the blissful calm of my sleep. I blink a few times to get the sleep out of my eyes before rolling over to face the beautiful woman sharing the bed with me. Nikki stretches her arms out in a loud yawn before turning her head to look at me; her sapphire eyes staring straight into mine.

"Morning, beautiful," she smiles sleepily; kissing me gently on the tip of my nose before rolling out of bed; landing on the carpet and beginning to do some stretches. I ask her if she wants to stay in bed a bit longer but she shakes her head saying that she attends church every Sunday morning.

"Ch-ch-church?" I gasp; because simply put, what does Nikki want with a religion that preaches that she is a sinner who will burn in hell? Surely, despite not having the same religious history as me, she would be against the concept of Christianity on principal... So why does she go to church every Sunday to pray to a God who turned millions of people against her?

"Yeah... I... I guess I sort of... like it..." she begins feebly. "But obviously you don't have to come if you don't want to..." _Don't want to?!_ I've spent half of my fucking life hiding from that place; trying to stay as far away from any vaguely religious building as possible. How could I possibly _want_ to go to that place? But I don't want to let Nikki down; so against all instincts I agree to go with her; saying that I can always wait outside if I don't want to go to the service itself. And so we have a quick bite of toast for breakfast before setting off on the two mile walk to the church.

We walk in silence most of the way to the church; and I can feel my shirt starting to stick to my back as I drip more and more sweat. It's almost like my body is trying (and failing) to sweat out the fear building up inside me. Nikki's holding my shaking hand; trying to steady my nerves, but it's simply no use – I'm more terrified than I have ever been in my life; on the verge of throwing up the entire contents of my stomach.

We pass a gnarled tree as we walk through the graveyard towards the church, and had I had a rope on me I think that I might have hanged myself from it; my dead body dangling limply like the twisted puppet of society that I've become. Then I could have joined the dead bodies below our feet, and I would finally be safe because I would not be able to feel a thing.

The bells are ringing and they could be signalling the start of my funeral procession and I think I'd like them more. I simply cannot go into the church; into my fragment of hell of earth, into my wildest nightmare. But I must; for Nikki; for my beautiful, perfect girlfriend who prays to a God who hates her amongst a churchful of people who would destroy her if given the chance. And so I step into the church; bile building up in my throat as I see pew after pew filled with chattering people; most of them in their sixties and seventies. Nikki leads me to the pew directly in front of the pulpit and as I look at the bible resting on the wings of a golden eagle I start to go dizzy and suddenly everyone's speaking too loudly and they're all rushing around too fast and I can't keep up and I want to die in this seat.

And then there's silence; a hollow silence followed by the stamp of feet as row after row of devoted Christians stand up. And they start to sing. They're singing about God and about Jesus who was nailed on a cross with a crown of thorns and left to die. A bit like me really, but I didn't die; the vultures tried to peck me to pieces but I loosened the ropes and ran into a cave and tried to bleed myself to death. For what sin? Being gay? I wanted to kill myself more than society ever could, but I was a coward; to scared or burning in hell to pour those pills of death... pills of life... down my fucking throat. And so I lived on; dying every day but coming back to life every night with blood trickling down my wrist. Maybe rotting to death on my wooden cross of shame would have been easier.

The singing people around me are madder than I ever was; giving up their lives praying to a God that probably doesn't exist. My life would be so different if it wasn't for these religious robots designed to destroy me and all those I love. Love. Maybe my heart is so battered and torn that such a thing is no longer possible. I didn't love my dad because he said he was making me better and instead made me a hundred times worse. A bit like Hansel and Gretal really; but with a church for a chocolate house, a vicar for a witch, no oven to push the monster into and no happy ending. Whatever I may have told my mother on her death bed, I never loved her yesterday, or the day before, or the day before that, because although she didn't push me into my deep, dark pit of despair, she watched me fall and never thought to throw me a rope, and I'll never forgive her for it.

There's a cough, and a light Scottish accent, and I look up to see a man dressed in all-black with a white clerical collar around his throat. I want it to tighten. I want him to die. And then he grins at me; baring his yellowing teeth and blackened soul; his eyes filled with madness; deep black holes to the centre of a heartless man. And I'm falling into them.

Down.

Down.

Down.


	31. Chapter 31

**Serious mature content warning for this chapter. You can probably work out what's coming from the previous chapter, but I don't want anyone to read this if they're going to be affected or anything. So as not to spoil the chapter for those who want to read without knowing what's coming I'm going to put a brief description of the chapter in bold at the bottom so anyone that wants to know what's coming should just scroll down and look at that. Sorry for any inconvenience.**

Dad's leading me up the stone church steps.

"I don't want to go," I say.

"I don't care," he replies coldly. He doesn't want a dyke for a daughter; nobody does though, do they? Nobody wants a lezza child who got caught kissing another girl behind the manky bike sheds at school. So dad's taking me to the vicar; to fix me, he says. And I want to be fixed; I really do, but not like this; not with my vicar splashing water on my head and murmuring random prayers, because what the fuck's that going to do? Absolutely nothing. But dad's making me go, and I want him to be happy, so I'm climbing up the icy steps after him; sceptical and tired, but unafraid.

The vicar opens the door as we approach; ushering us inside and grinning broadly; flashing a set of pointy yellow teeth. He looks a bit like a vampire, and I giggle to myself hysterically; imagining this grey-haired little man placing his rough-looking lips against my throat and sucking pint after pint of blood out of me before leaving my pale, bloodless body on the cold stone floor to rot.

And then dad's leaving, and it's just the vicar and me sitting side-by-side on the furthest church pew. He starts to talk to me about my feelings for girls; asking me questions, placing a wrinkled hand on my knee, trying to suck the truth about my sexuality out of me. But I'm not responding. I'm a stone statue; just another part of this little church, and the vicar's a madman; talking to himself.

"When did you start getting the urge to become sexually involved with girls?" he croaks; his hand slowly crawling up my leg like a spider that I'm too terrified to brush off. So instead I sit; completely still, and stare at the hymn list on the wall. All of the selected hymns end in a six. 666; the number of the devil. And through the vicar's curly hair I can see the devil's horns poking out as his hand reaches my crotch. And then he's unzipping my jeans. And putting his hand inside.

His fingers feel rough against my skin; brushing past my hair; going lower and lower, and I'm too scared to say a word as I feel his sharp fingernails scratching about inside me; going deeper and deeper into my body as I try to switch myself off completely.

"You like this?" he asks; his dark eyes shining as they stare into my own. But I don't know what to say, so I don't say anything; instead just looking straight ahead of me at the altar; trying to block everything out; trying to make the pain go away. But he doesn't like that, so he grabs me by the shoulders with remarkable strength for a man of his age; forcing me against the cold, slightly damp, church floor. And then he's climbing on top and forcing his slimy tongue down my cracked throat; his broken nose knocking hard against my own. His hands are all over my body too; one still stuffed down my pants; the other climbing up my top; his mouth smirking against my own as I involuntarily react to his touch.

Then it starts to get worse; he shoves my jeans down; exposing my semi-naked form to the empty church. And then he's retracting his hand from under my shirt and using it to pull down his own trousers from under his black gown. He places both of his hands around my throat, and then I cannot look; I close my eyes; blocking out the vicar, the church and the world. But I can't block out the pain as he forces himself into me as I lie helpless on the frozen church floor. I make my body as hard as a stone, but he still manages to crumble me between his fingers as he pumps in and out; groaning loudly.

"Do you like it?" he licks his lips with his slobbery tongue now coated with my saliva.

"No," I cry.

He bites me on the neck. "Do you like it now?"

"No," I whimper as tears start to leak down my face.

He goes in a bit harder. "You must like it now?"

I cannot hear. I don't want to hear. I can hear every fucking word. "No, no, NO!" I scream.

He smiles his sadistic smile. "But you want to like it?"

"No... I mean yes... I mean,,,"

"You mean yet?" he starts to pull out.

"Yes... Yes... That's what I mean..." I wail; starting to tug my jeans up but then noticing the blood seeping down my legs; tricking onto the church floor. The vicar glances over at me, sees the blood and laughs.

"Bleed out your sinful lust, sweetheart," he smiles.

But I don't want to keep bleeding, so I use the hem of my T-Shirt to mop up the blood as he chants out verses from the bible which I recognise as being from Leviticus. And then I've cleared up most of the blood and I'm pulling up my jeans and turning to see the vicar kneeling with his eyes closed and his hands together praying to a God I no longer believe in.

"Forgive her God, for she has sinner," he murmurs. And then I'm on my feet; running out of the church door into the cold of the evening wanting to disappear into the night. And I'm trying to ignore the stabbing pain between my legs but failing miserably and collapsing behind a gravestone; bashing my head on the concrete tomb before blacking out completely.

**SPOILER WARNING... Lorraine has a flashback to her rape. It's not too graphic, but contains details some readers may find upsetting.**


	32. Chapter 32

**Wooo I'm in a rush posting this so I haven't read it to check for mature content so let's just hope that there isn't any! Thanks for your lovely reviews on the last two chapters, and whoever PMd me - I see all reviews and appreciate them all! Enjoy :)**

I wake on the stone church floor; drenched from head to foot in a layer of salty sweat. Although my eyes are bleary and my vision blurred, I can sense that somebody is kneeling over me; one of their cool hands resting on my forehead, and they're saying my name over and over. What if it's the vicar?!

My eyes fly open and I see Nikki's beautiful face floating above my own; her sleek black bob, her sparkling azure eyes, her smooth wet lips. And I can't help myself; I just lean forwards and kiss her as tears stream down my face; not caring that I'm lying in the middle of the church, not caring that the whole homophobic congregation can see us, not even caring that the vicar is standing on his pulpit staring at us in horror; because, quite frankly, I couldn't give a shit what these 'people' think. How can they even call themselves people when they hate their own kind for being themselves? How can they pray to a God and ask him to 'deliver the from evil' when they are the epitome of the fucking word; trying to stomp the soul out of members of the population simply for being uncontrollably attracted to members of their own sex? How can they tell me that I'm a monster when they're the savage wolf pack that turned me into the heartless beast that I am?

I leap up off the paved church floor and ignore the sudden wave of nausea that crashes over me as I run out of the church and through the graveyard; Nikki hot on my heels. And then I collapse by the edge of the pavement; falling into Nikki's waiting arms and starting to cry hysterically. I am far beyond the point of comfort as the memories come flooding back; my father forcing me to go to church week after week because he was convinced that I was 'not yet cured', my mother running me a scalding bath every time I returned from church to 'drown the demons out', the vicar... the vicar... The vicar with his crossed necklace and Gideon's bible. The vicar who tried to change me; succeeding, but for the worst. The vicar who suffocated me with good intentions; leaving me gasping for breath; drowning in a river of self-pity, regret and shame.

Nikki's asking me what she can do to help, but I am long past the point of help; unless 'help' involves building a time machine that could take me back half my fucking life to before that fatal moment of thoughtless passion behind the bike sheds all those years ago. So I just rest my head on her shoulder and try to weep the demons out. It doesn't work, but when I've wept myself dry I allow Nikki to help me to my feet and lead me to her home.

As I stumble along the road towards Nikki's house; her arm wrapped tightly around my body; we pass a young man with crooked teeth and a back-to-front baseball cap balanced on his closely-shaven head. He looks at us and sneers as we move to the side of the pavement so that he can pass.

"See you in hell, dykes," he yells once he's a few hundred metres down the road from us.

I turn; my determined mind desperate to fight back, but Nikki stops me; tightening her grip on me and murmuring in my ear that I need to ignore him. But that's easier said than done; my first 'girlfriend' fought back against the bullies day after day until they killed her. Because she never really killed herself as they said in court; they led her to the edge of the cliff and forced her to jump; leaving her hanging on the end of a rope is a faeces-filled, shit-stained room for her parents to find. And I wanted to join her... I wanted to fucking join her in death; because how could any form of hell that I would go to be any worse than the hell that I lived in day after fucking day? But I was too weak; so I just let everyone stamp me to a messy pulp; my dad, my fellow school pupils, my fucking vicar; and they messed me up so bad that I never had any hope of ever putting myself back together.

Nikki guides me through her front door and I break down on her welcome mat; drawing my knees to my chest and starting to bawl loudly as images from my past flick through my mind; my jealousy as Sonya brought home boyfriend after boyfriend, my parents' nods of approval as they met every one, hearing moans and screams from Sonya's bedroom when she was just twelve. And she came down to breakfast the next morning and my parents said that they were proud of her; proud of having a fucking underage whore as a daughter, but ashamed because their eldest child was gay. It made no sense to me; but nothing makes sense when you're plummeting downwards being torn to shreds by sharp rocks being thrust into your path by your 'friends'. So after a while I gave up trying to understand and just hated. At first they called me a monster, and so then I became one.

And I'm still sitting on the stained carpet in Nikki's hallway shaking, with tears running down my cheeks half an hour later, when there comes a loud knock on the door, and Nikki opens it; allowing someone to come in.


	33. Chapter 33

**Ooooh your questions will be answered in this chapter hahaha thanks for all of your lovely reviews - hope you enjoy this chapter which I'm posting in a hurry cause my mum keeps coming up behind me and I don't think she'll like some of the content of this FanFic hahaha byeeee :)**

"What the fuck are you doing here, Tom?" Nikki spits as I curl up into a ball; making myself smaller and smaller until I've almost disappeared completely.

"Just thought I'd stop by... we've got some things to discuss..." Tom sneers; casting a cruel sideways glance in my direction.

"If you don't get out now..." Nikki threatens through clenched teeth.

"Michael sent me, Niks... deputy work he wanted us to do _together_." _Us._ That word drove a knife into my heart. _Together._ The knife twisted. I'm lying on the floor in agony; looking around for a way of escape. But there is none – I am trapped.

"Fine... but you should have called to tell me that you were coming first... I could have been... out..."

"Alright, Niks... I'm sorry... shall we... get on?" Tom gives my crippled, unmoving form another pitiful glance before strolling through a door to my left and into another room. He knows this house like the back of his hand, and the worst part of me wonders where that hand might have been.

Nikki walks over to me as he leaves; asks me if I'm okay and then suggests that I go home. Go home? Leave her alone with Tom Fucking Clarkson?! Her ex-_boy_friend... What if she decides to try the straight life again? I start to say no; telling her that I don't mind waiting, but she says that she has marking to do too, and calls for a taxi to take me away; waiting with me until it arrives; kissing me gently on the cheek as I walk out of the door. I don't wave goodbye.

I sit in the back of the taxi; terrified; too scared to say anything... too scared to even move. Because I'm in a small, confined space with blacked-out windows at the total mercy of a stranger. I peer through the partition to see what he looks like. He's bearded, with a heavy tan and strong muscled arms clamped over the steering wheel. Arms that he could use to pin me to the taxi floor as he forces me to pleasure him... or worse. I could die in this fucking vehicle and Nikki would never know; she'd probably just think that I'd run away or something – I've thought about it enough times...

The clock in the taxi shows that only twelve minutes have passed, but it feels like hours; the sweat dripping from my forehead saltier than the Dead Sea. And then he's stopping, and letting me out, and I'm giving him two fifty pound notes and then running away. I run down my drive and through my gardens adorned with fountains, statues and beautiful flowerbeds designed especially to suit my tastes by my gardener. I'm rich – richer than anyone ever dreamed I would be, and yet I still consider myself poor. The richest man on earth probably lives in a poorly built shack with barely enough money to put food on his plate; but he'll be surrounded by a family who love him, and that'll make all the difference in the world. When I was younger I wanted to be rich; now I just want to be happy, because happy is rich but rich isn't happy.

I've collapsed behind a laurel bush and the world is starting to spin again. I see a butterfly flutter past me; blissfully unaware that it only has days left to live. I wonder how it would react if it knew that its sorry life was nearly over. Would it care, or would it continue to flap its pretty little wings and fly around aimlessly? Then I start thinking about what I would do if I knew that I had just days left to live. I'd probably say goodbye to Sonya, visit my mother's cold corpse lying in the morgue (no need to take a trip to my father's grave – I'll be seeing him in hell), and spend the rest of my time with Nikki; making her happy, letting her make me happy and trying to forget the miserable world that I'd be leaving behind.

It's almost an hour before I stagger to my feet and make my slow way into my cold, empty house. The lights slowly flicker on as I walk though the bleak mansion which I call home; despite positively hating the place. I head straight to my bedroom and cringe internally as I see the remnants of last night strewn across the room; pillows littering my floor with the duvet lying at an awkward angle on the bed which I collapse on; exhausted. As I bury my face into my soft silk pillow I realise that I can smell Nikki; her scent filling me, overwhelming me, calming me. My Nikki-induced bliss is only temporary though, and my mind starts flashing through the events of today; throwing my headfirst into a river of fear; landing with a splash of anguish and drowning in shame. Tom called her 'Niks' and she said nothing, despite turning down every fucking nickname I've ever thrown at her. Maybe she prefers him! What if she's still desperate for him to turn her?

What gay person wouldn't want to be turned though? Being turned would mean gaining the ability to lead a normal fucking life in which nobody would reject your friendship for fear that they would catch that 'gay disease' off you. Being turned would mean being able to fall in love in a socially acceptable manner with nobody hating you for who you choose to share your body with. Being turned would mean being able to climb out of that closet that you've spent half your fucking life hiding it; completely terrified that someone will come and burn the sorry lot down; exposing your web of lies. I'd be able to leave the fantasy world I've built for myself and finally face reality. Except being turned never works. You can sit on the lap of a rich guy with a hard-on time and time again; letting him shove his warm tongue down your neck and allowing him to brush his lightly stubbled cheek against your own smooth one, but it'll never feel right no matter how hard you want it to. Because sexuality isn't a choice; it's a life sentence, or in some cases (as I know only too well) a death sentence. It's unbearably uncontrollable to the point of leaving a happy little girl quaking at the fucking knees. And I hate it; and in hating it, I hate myself.


	34. Chapter 34

**Heyyyy I've spent the evening with a cat on my lap practising for when I'm a lonely cat woman (yeyyy) so I'm covered in cat hairs and you don't care so I'll shut up, say thank you for all of your lovely reviews and let you read this chapter! :)**

It isn't a happy night. I'm woken up over and over by a series of terrible nightmares in which I'm naked, vulnerable and exposed; tied to a cross by rope made of twisted thorns with a vicar standing in front of me chanting verses of Leviticus and cackling demonically. Then he's stepping closer and forcing himself into me and the more that I try to escape reality, the more the thorns cut me; slashing over my wrists and leaving deep gashes, with blood trailing down my arms which the vicar licks up; smirking and telling me that the demons and nearly all gone and that with another few sessions I will be completely cured. A vulture pecks my eyes out, causing the world to go black and I can't see, hear or smell anymore. I can still taste though; as the vicar forces his tongue down my throat. And feel; as he goes in harder and deeper and harder and deeper until the pain causes me to scream out loud.

I wake up drenched in sweat; with my striped pyjama top sticking to my back. I roll over; hoping to get some comfort from Nikki's presence besides me, but she isn't there... Of course she isn't – she's still at her house; probably shagging Tom Clarkson by now. Deputy on deputy; trying to cure herself when just the other day she was telling me that it's the fucking homophobes that need curing. Hypocrite.

No... I refuse to believe it – that's just the worst half of me thinking that. Because Nikki loves me... at least she said that she did, and what would she gain from lying? My money, perhaps? Many a man's tried seducing me to get me to buy him more drinks from the bar, but they always end up going too far too fast and I end up fleeing. Besides, Nikki isn't really the type of play along being a lovey-dovey girlfriend for a bit of cash, is she? I can feel myself sinking into a panic as my old paranoia crawls back, and so I force my eyes shut and bury myself under a duvet; barely noticing as I slowly start slipping away.

Something soft brushes against me and I enter a state of wild panic; my eyes flying open to see absolutely nothing; there is only black, and something furry is pressed against my arm. I spin around; wildly swinging my arms about; feeling soft things flap against them and then WHAM! One of my arms whacks hard against the wooden walls I now know to be surrounding me, and I collapse to the floor in agony; the dark suffocating me as I lash my feet out – desperate to find a way out of this massive coffin. But there seems to be no escape as I start to scream before wildly gasping for breath as I realise that I'm running out of air. And then someone opens a door and light floods in; illuminating my surroundings.

I'm crouched at the back of a large oak closet, with rows and rows of coats in front of me. And someone's scooping something off the closet floor before slamming the door shut again; plunging me into darkness once more. But there's something different about my location this time. Because I know where I am; in the closet – too terrified to come out. And through the thick oak door I can hear thumps and moans and squeals of joy. But I'm too scared to leave the fragile fantasy that is the safety of this dark closet; I don't care if the outside is a happy world filled with bunnies and fucking rainbows – I feel safe here, because this is all I know.

And then I hear her scream his name. It's Nikki and she's yelling 'Tom' over and over and I can't bear it and I want to storm out of the closet and tell them to stop, but I'm paralysed with fear; unable to pick myself up off the ground so instead I try squinting through the darkness, and through the velvety folds of black nothingness I can just about make out two figures lying on the floor just a few feet away from me and I reach out to tap one of them. A hollow noise echoes throughout the closet as my hand comes into contact with their head and I crawl closer to them out of mere curiosity; recoiling in horror when I realise exactly what I'm sharing this tiny space with.

There are two skeletons sprawled out on the base of the closet; their empty eye sockets staring up at me, and I want to leave but I'm simply too terrified, so I collapse; a living corpse trapped in a closet filled with skeletons from my past. And the oxygen's running out and I'm losing consciousness and the closet is slip-slip-slipping away...

I crash back to life buried under expensive silk covers; in the lapse of luxury in my own little piece of hell. And I don't go to the underworld; the underworld came to me; living aside me, within me, instead of me. The pillows are dripping wet; soaked in sweat and salty tears, and my heart gives a lurch as I open my eyes and see a pile of _her_ clothes on the floor. And I remember ripping them off her just last night; listening as her shirt buttons clattered against the floor, pulling her shorts down as she fumbled about with the zip running down the arch of my back, trying to undo the latch of her lacy black bra as mine fell to the ground. And I remember feeling safe as I fell asleep in her muscled arms; so different to tonight, because tonight I'm completely unable to fall into any kind of peaceful sleep, and I'm utterly alone. And I remember something else. I remember being happy.


	35. Chapter 35

**And here's Chapter 35 :) Thanks for all of your lovely reviews on my previous chapter! It'll get happier soon (I hope) because the emotions in the FanFic tend to correspond with my own emotions :) Enjoy!**

I wake early; groaning as I roll over to slam off my alarm clock and grinning as I look in the mirror and see the dark bags under my eyes. The shower feels tepid and empty without Nikki's warm body pressed against mine in it, so I step out and dry myself after just five minutes; changing into a sheer shirt and a pair of black trousers before pouring myself a bowl of cereal and a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice; settling down to have my breakfast in front of the TV.

The news flickers onto my screen, and there's some footage of a man running down a street with a voiceover stating that this man is wanted for questioning by the police in some murder case. The woman who was murdered was violently raped before being stabbed sixty-two times with a kitchen knife, and the police think that it was a random attack. That's fucking scary, that is – that there's a madman walking the streets with the capability to murder an innocent woman in cold blood. I shudder despite the warmth of the room; pushing my breakfast away from me, feeling too sick to finish it. 'The cleaner will clear it up,' I think to myself as I stroll out of the room and out of the house; locking the door carefully behind me before walking briskly to my Ferrari; getting in and driving away.

I can't help but worry as my car carries me from my home to the school in which I'm resigned to spend my morning. I'm worried about Nikki, about my money, about myself. What if Nikki's relationship with Tom is something more than the platonic one which she claims it to be? What if I run out of stacks of money to hide my messed-up self from the real world behind? What if my tongue slips and I say something stupid and one thing leads to another and I end up throwing myself into the lion's den? I've spent the last nineteen years of my life saying next to nothing; too terrified of saying something that I'll regret the next morning; shunning social support to build up a business empire spanning five continents which has made me millions but has costed me whatever remained of my sanity after my five year ordeal which was my series of sessions with my vicar in the darkest corner of the church... in the darkest corner of hell.

There's only a few other cars in the school car park when I pull into it; parking in a space as far away from the other vehicles as possible. That's how I spent my whole life; staying away from people; too scared to get close to them and instead starving myself of sanity in a self-built cave that slowly started crumbling in. But then Nikki came along, and after a few awkward conversations I felt myself slowly but surely falling for her. I tried to keep myself away because I knew that pursuing a relationship with Nikki would mean digging up my past, but after a few months of casual eye-fucking I gave in to all of my inhibitions and dived off a cliff; plunging headfirst into my first relationship in almost two decades. Dating Nikki's given me a new lease of life; I've felt more free than I've felt since I was a little girl running around in field of crops; unable to see anything other than the path in front of me and the corn all around. It's all different now – I can see my surroundings; watching the people walk by but I can't see the path to join them.

I walk into the staffroom alone; glancing around and feeling a way of disappointment crashing over me when I realise that Nikki isn't there. Tom is though; a wide smirk spreading across his face as he sees me. He's probably remembering a different me; the me that was curled up into a tiny ball at Nikki's feet trying to hide from the world. That's the me that I see every day when I look in the mirror; a me with a battered and bruised heart which she tries desperately to hide from the world because letting the world see her heart would be like sharing the shame and she doesn't want to do that at all.

The morning goes slower than the countless nights I've spent tossing and turning; unable to get to sleep, and I can feel myself sinking into a terrible panic because Nikki hasn't turned up at school OR rung in to say that she's ill, but I can't go to her house to see if she's okay because I'm trapped in this ridiculous meeting about money with Michael who wants me to inject even more money into the dump that this school has become. It's either that or the closure of the PRU, according to him. Emotional blackmail if you ask me – he knows that I'll never close the PRU and make my girlfriend redundant. My girlfriend who I haven't seen for twenty-four hours and hasn't so much as texted me to say that she's okay. And I'm worried about her; I really am... Because she's helped me to protect myself from myself but what if she needed me to protect her and I wasn't there because I allowed the other deputy to shun me aside. I can't wait any longer – I make excuses to Michael before piling up my files and rushing out of his office.

CRASH I run straight into Christine; dropping my files all over the floor in the process. I pick them up as quickly as possible and start to hurry away; turning as I hear her Scottish drawl calling after me.

"Oh, Lorraine... You left something behind..." she smiles at me; holding out a sheet of paper.

"Thanks," I say gruffly; not looking her in the eye as I take it from her.

"How's Nikki?" she asks me kindly; a wolf in sheep's clothing. But I see through her disguise; having lived in one myself for half of my miserable life.

"She's fine," I reply; trying to convince myself.

And then I'm hurrying down the steps into the car park, chucking my files into the boot of my Ferrari before climbing into the driver's seat and zooming away without bothering to do up my seatbelt. There's no traffic at this time of day, so I reach Nikki's house within ten minutes; letting myself in through her back door. The kitchen's deserted, so I wander through her house; opening doors, peering inside and finding nothing. Then I enter her living room. And nothing could prepare me for what I find inside it.


	36. Chapter 36

**Sorry about that cliffhanger, and this chapter's going up later today than expected but it's here and I'm full of pizza and yey! Also apologies for this chapter - a) it's not happy and b) I was in a rush to write it before going to Leeds so it's probably rubbish. I would say try to enjoy it, but I don't think the content can be described as 'enjoyable'. Thanks for all of your lovely reviews on my previous chapter - I'll shut up now and let you reaaaaad :D**

**Mature content warning. This chapter contains continuous references to a matter which some readers may find upsetting. Scroll down to the bottom for a more detailed warning.**

Nikki is sitting on her old battered sofa; her knees curled up to her chest, her hair a wild tangled mess and her eyes wide open; looking straight ahead into the distance. I turn around to see what she's looking at, but see nothing, then I rush over to her; recoiling in horror when I see the purple bruises on her neck. There are four on each side and two large ones on the front of her neck where her windpipe runs; fingerprints. Someone's tried to strangle her, but she's still breathing; her chest rising and falling under her clothes which are in a messy state of disarray.

"Nikki!" I gasp; looking at her in horror. She doesn't respond and just continues to stare at something that I am completely and utterly unable to see. Then I place my hands on her shoulders – shaking her gently, but she doesn't seem to wake from her trance; her normally bright sapphire eyes now glazed over and unblinking.

Her leg twitches and I instinctively look down. And then I see the bloodstains on the carpet, and I look up at her in horror; terrified of her predicament. Because if I'm reading the signs correctly (and I hope to God that I'm not) this is the scene of a rape, and I'm the first witness. Bile starts building up in my throat and I turn away from Nikki to empty the contents of my stomach all over her carpet. There's now vomit stains to join the blood, but that doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore. Nothing will ever matter ever again. Because my beautiful, perfect girlfriend has been violated in an unspeakable manner, and I know the feeling; I carry it around with me day after fucking day, never able to escape the bloody, violent trail of shame that is my past.

Then Nikki begins to move her dry, cracked lips, and she starts to speak. "I'm okay, darling," she whispers. _Okay?!_ How can she possibly be _okay_? I'm not okay and it's been years since the devil punished me for my sins. But this isn't about me... this is about Nikki, and I'm forced to push my own emotions aside in my desperately impossible quest to discover the truth.

"It's not my blood, Lorraine," her eyes meet my own. "It's his." And then I understand. He attacked her. She fought him off. Case closed. But it's not really case closed; it never will be... because she'll have to live with the knowledge that next time she might not be so lucky; he came so close to taking away everything she knew and throwing her into a cave like mine that she'll never be quite the same again. And I hate it.

"Whose?" I ask, although I already know the answer even if I'm trying my hardest to deny it. Because Tom was the last one with her, and Tom's the one that's hopelessly infatuated with a woman who will never be able to love him in the way he wants; no matter how hard she tries. Nikki's answer confirms my suspicions and then I'm really angry. I want to find him and smash his fucking body to bits and burn all of the fucking pieces; removing him from the shitty planet that I'm forced to call my home. But I can't let my anger show, because I'm not here to be angry; I'm here to support Nikki. And I don't know how I can do that; because the worst half of me doesn't want to go near her. Because she's the lucky one. She escaped. And I didn't.

I rest my hand on her shoulder again, and she shudders at the touch; shaking my hand off; shunning all contact with the one who loves her the most. And I don't blame her, because I couldn't bear the feel of skin on skin for years after I finished visiting the vicar; even someone brushing against me in the street scared me shitless. I spent half of my life assuming that anyone that so much as looked as me wanted to hurt me; and that's why I stayed in my cave; hidden from the world by crumbling rocks and a few thin sheets of ivy which I occasionally peeked around to watch the world fly by; leaving me behind; not sparing me a second glance.

Her rejection of even the most basic of physical contact doesn't hurt me because I think I understand. So I just sit on the sofa besides her; staring at the wall and tasting the puke in every breath. Nikki's wallpaper is stripy; like a zebra. No two zebras have the same stripes; and in the same way, no two people have the same stories; the same pasts; we're all different and we all have our own way of coping with the pain. And I just hope that she copes with it better than I did. Because I didn't climb out of the pit of despair that I fell into; I dug deeper with my bare hands; digging myself a grave to climb into. And I did climb into it; over and over, watching the blood drip down; burying myself alive, breathing in shallow breaths; trying to take in the little good available to me.

And I know that it'll take some time... Time for the bruises to heal, for the feelings to return, for the memories to fade, but Nikki's tough, so she'll pull through. I know she will.

**SPOILER WARNING... This chapter contains rape references. There is little reference to the physical aspects of rape, but the chapter goes into lengthy detail about mental scarring due to rape.**


	37. Chapter 37

**Wooo thanks for your reviews on my last chapter - hopefully you'll like this one! It's all pretty depressive but I'm writing the next chapter on the train home today so hopefully it'll be happier because trains are happy places :)**

The silence is broken by the ring of my phone, and with a quick glance at Nikki I pick it up. It's Sonya, and she's telling me that mum's funeral is going to be in three days time; on Thursday, and she's asking me if I'm going to read a speech. _To read a speech?_ I don't even know whether I want to go to the fucking funeral, let alone read a bloody speech. What would I do at the funeral – pretend to be upset whilst they lower her casket into the ground? Use a handkerchief to cover my face whilst the vicar says some prayers over her grave? _The vicar!_ What if it's the same one from the nightmares of my past? What if he tries something? Just because I'm an adult, doesn't mean I'm not completely terrified by him and the massive power he holds over me. Locking him up for life wouldn't change a thing because nothing will ever take the shame away.

And even if I did go to the funeral, what would I say in a _speech_? That I loved my mother and missed her very much. I don't want to lie on my mother's grave any more than I want to dance on it; because I feel nothing towards her anymore; no disappointment that she wasn't a better mother, no joy for all the memories we shared, no... nothing at all. I only regret lying to her as she lay dying; telling her that I loved her when such a thing hasn't been possible for years. How can you love someone that supported a monster, and in doing so, turned me into one?

But Sonya's still on the line; begging, pleading with me to make a speech. And so against every ounce of common sense within me; I agree, telling her that I'll say a few words over the cold, lifeless lump that is my mother's body. That'll keep her quiet, and keeping Sonya quiet has been my priority for many years; especially now that she's the only one who knows the true extent of my childhood violation. She came close to revealing hidden secrets from my past once when some rugby player star visited the school; telling him that I was 'insecure'. What if next time she goes further and tells the whole fucking world about my past? It'll send me running back to the cave I've only just started escaping from; taking a few delicate steps into the real world with a beautiful woman by my side.

Nikki's still staring straight ahead and I don't know what to do so I lean into her and kiss her gently on the cheek; testing the waters. She moves away; her whole body shuddering at my touch. And I watch as a tear forms in her glimmering blue eye; rolling gently down her cheek. She doesn't even try to wipe it away; she just looks at me; reaching down and rolling up my sleeve; her eyes travelling up and down along my scars. They're a disorganised criss-crossed mess; a bit like my life, and I hate them.

"Does it work?" she whispers; raising her eyes to meet mine. And I don't know what to tell her. Because it worked for me. Night after night; bleeding out the pain, but a rare occurrence became habit, and habit became addiction, and at the time I felt better but now I'm just covered in remnants of my past... Battle scars; I call them... Self-inflicted scrawls; my agony and heartbreak on my arm for all to see; unwillingly wearing my heart on my sleeve.

"It did..." I begin uncertainly. "For a while... But then... then it didn't..." I'm not making any sense, and I know it, but I don't know how to explain the feeling of power I got every time I dragged the blade along my skin; because it was ME inflicting the injuries for a change. And I was in absolute, undeniable control of my situation for the first time in forever, and I loved it. I fucking loved punishing myself for something that I had no control over and never would.

And Nikki's nodding like she understands, but she doesn't – of course she doesn't, because there's no way to experience the euphoric relief that comes with the cuts unless you grab a fucking knife and drag it across your skin over and over until you draw blood letting it leak out of you and letting the memories go too. But the cuts and scars can only heal you for so long before tearing you apart, and when they do; they no longer work at all. And so I tell Nikki that. And she nods again before putting her palms together, closing her eyes and bowing her head in prayer. I walk out in disgust.

I stand in Nikki's hallway; breathing hard and trying to block out the drone of her voice which carries through the door. Trying to ignore her whispered words to a god who deserted me long ago, and instead glancing down at my phone; seeing that I've got a text and opening it. It's from Michael and he wants me to go to school for another meeting about 'financial matters'. And I don't really have a choice but to go, and I want to say goodbye to Nikki, but I can still hear her shaking voice uttering a string of words which make no sense to me so I slowly move down her hallway, quietly opening the door and letting myself out.


	38. Chapter 38

**This chapter was meant to be happy but the train journey was not. I won't go into detail but there was a really horrible woman on the table next to mine and I felt really uncomfortable witnessing the stuff she was saying and then she got up to leave and she had 'angel' written on her back. Ughhhh so basically sorry about this chapter...**

The car is empty without her in it; the once smooth Italian leather now warm and sweaty and generally unpleasant. I turn a key and the Ferrari revs into life, and I can feel its engine shuddering underneath me like a heartbeat; almost as if the car's alive. But it isn't; of course it isn't – it's just an expensive little toy for a spoilt little girl who lost her way in the maze of life. I'm not alive either; come to think of it, and I never will be... at least not when I'm without her. She makes me alive; somehow finding a switch in my messed-up soul and allowing a different me to come to fruition and letting me really live for a bit. And I love her for it.

It's just a pity that I can't return the favour; as far as Nikki's concerned, God brought her into this world and God will take her out of it; keeping her heart beating and mind moving in between, and I'm just a playing piece that he put there for her fucking entertainment in the meantime. She hasn't told me any of this; of course, but having spent half of my miserable life surrounded by members of the sick-minded religious cult that calls itself Christianity, I know how life works for Christians, and I know that her loyalty will always be to God over me. And I hate it.

I see a familiar face as I pull into the school; Josh Clarkson – Tom's son. He's been working in my company for a while; in phones sales or some shit like that, and I've had great reports about him from every manager he's worked with – apparently he's a great worker and really easy to get along with... It's probably a load of bullshit though. I mean, how can the son of a fucking wannabe rapist be 'kind' or 'generous'? It's probably just a show to gain people's trust before the heartless bastard rips them to pieces just like his father did. I decide to sack him so that it doesn't get to that stage, and make a mental not to ask my secretary to fire him as soon as possible – give him a quick pay-off and hopefully he'll be out of the company within a week. Simple. I pull into a space beside the one usually occupied by Nikki's car, and I hop out.

"Hey! Miss Donnegan! How are you?" Josh strolls over to me; a big smile spreading across his face; desperate to please. It's all a cover though, isn't it? He's wearing a massive grin to hide the monster inside, but I won't be fooled, so I just stare coldly back at him. And then he's sticking out his hand to shake mine... He wants his filthy, contaminated rapist skin to touch mine. And I can't bear it, so I shirk away; desperately trying to avoid the inevitable contact but I can't, and I try my hardest not to wince as he forces his vile chaffed palm against my own. And the son of a bastard sees the pain in my eyes and smirks.

And then he's looking at me expectantly; making me to reply to a question I've been asked over and over, and I lie... just like I've done every time someone's asked me how I am for the last twenty years – I lie through gritted teeth and tell him that I'm okay. 'Okay'; like his father didn't turn my whole fucking life upside-down in the process of wrecking someone else's. And his father's blood runs through him; so by fault of inheritance he must be a monster too. God how I hate him.

It takes a lot for me to keep things together and not break down as I walk with Josh up the steps of Waterloo Road. He chatters away about life at the company and about how grateful he is to me, but I'm not really listening at all – I'm twenty miles away, in my madhouse of a mansion; laying down on my soft silk covers, with Nikki on top of me, and as she lowers her head to bring her smooth lips to mine I open my eyes and look straight into hers, and her eyes say something that her lips are desperately trying to tell me; that this is where she belongs... with me. And that makes me happy.

But dwelling on a past encounter with my beautiful girlfriend won't help me with my present; walking along corridor after corridor at Waterloo Road following the son of a man who tried to grossly violate the love of my life. After a while Josh falls silence, and we walk a few feet away from each other. It's only as we turn a corner and head towards the staffroom that I realise where Josh is taking me; to his father, and of course, by the time I realise this it's too late – Tom is standing in the corridor in front of us; his mouth pulled into a terrible grin, his demonic eyes looking straight into mine. And as I stare unforgivingly into those pale, watery blue eyes I know that he knows that I know what he's done. And I hope that he knows that I fucking hate him for it.

Tom barely acknowledges my presence as he looks down at Josh; asking him how he is, how work is, how he likes the working life. And then he asks him something else; something that makes my heart stop in horribly confused astonishment.


	39. Chapter 39

**For all reviewers who made predictions about the end of the last chapter and start of this one you were right (of course) - and thanks to all reviewers who left lovely comments. This chapter is short and shit, and I would say better than nothing but in the case of this chapter I'm not sure it actually is. Try to enjoy it anyway :)**

"How's the boyfriend, Josh?" Tom asks his son; smiling. And it isn't a sarcastic smile either... he's not mocking his son for being gay – he's trying to show genuine interest. And that's new to me; I don't think I've ever known someone proud to have fathered a gay child... My dad definitely wasn't proud – he tried over and over to change me from who I was; sending me to a fucking vicar who was meant to say some prayers and make everything better. Tom seems different though – don't get me wrong; he's still a heartless monster and I hate him with a passion, but his lack of concern for his son's sexuality has stopped me in my tracks and I'm now flying back in time and thinking about the war I waged with myself and my father all those years ago.

"You're fucking sick – you know that don't you... Things like you ought to be put down... You don't deserve the roof I work so hard to put over your ungrateful head..." Dad's shouting at me again; saying the same shit again and again as if it's going to make me suddenly decide to be straight; as if being straight is something you can just make up your mind to be overnight – like you can suddenly want to wake up next to a guy instead of a girl. Not that I wanted to wake up next to a girl – I spent a decade trying to decide whether I'd rather wake up alone or simply not wake up at all.

And here I am nineteen years on listening to Josh tell his father all about his boyfriend and nobody seems to give a shit that Josh is dating a boy rather than a girl; they're talking like it's perfectly natural for Josh to like guys. And I guess it is really; isn't it? It's not like he _decided_ to be gay; who would choose to be gay if given the choice? Who would choose a life of rejection and pain over a life of normality? I know that I wouldn't have; that's for sure, but there's nothing I can do about it; is there? So why am I still worrying about something that I have absolutely no control over? Because I'm still not happy with who I am... that's why... I still pray for the impossible; that God will somehow change me from who I am.

"Hey Josh! How's Ethan?" some skinny kid with an afro's just stepped out of the classroom next to us, and he's walking over; grinning broadly.

"We broke up... A couple of months ago..." Josh grimaces. "He was a dick..."

Harley winces. "Ah... Anyone new?" And then they're off – Josh talking about his current boyfriend and Harley going on about some girl from school that he's had his eye on for a while. Tom starts walking away; mumbling something about having an English lesson to get to, and I'm left listening to the conversation between the two teenagers in front of me; and it all seems so natural... and yet so surreal that I'm confused all over again, and as I head to Michael's office I'm not thinking about the money that he's sure to pester me for; I'm thinking about the last twenty years and about how maybe it's time for me to burn the closet I've been hiding in to the ground and to emerge from the ashes; triumphant.

Michael starts our meeting by asking me if I know where Nikki is, and after a quick internal debate I decide to lie; saying that I've not seen her for a couple of days but that she sent me a text to say that she was feeling a bit sick a few days ago. It's a perfectly plausible story and he swallows it whole; but I'm hoping that one day Nikki finds the strength that I never had and reports Tom to the police and exposes him to the world as the vile creature I now know him to be...

Unsurprisingly; Michael asks me for more money to improve the library. I'm not sure what he's thinking to be honest – I've been in that library before and I've never seen more than about five kids in there. We have a quick argument about how much money he's asking for, and then I sign a cheque for £5000 and leave. The money means nothing to me; I just don't give in to other people as easily as I give in to myself.

And then I'm in my Ferrari; foot on the accelerator; speeding towards Nikki's house and hoping that she's stopped her horrible prayers. As I walk up the grimy stone steps to her front door I can hear someone crying inside, and it's with a terrible anticipation that I press the doorbell and wait for her to let me in.


	40. Chapter 40

**Posting this in a massive rush so I only got halfway through proofreading it (oops). Anyway, thanks for your lovely reviews on my previous chapter - hopefully you'll enjoy this one! :)**

Nikki opens the door with a puffy red face and dark circles under her eyes; the bruises on her neck slightly darker than they were before. She doesn't say a word as she ushers me inside and I follow her in silence as she leads me to the kitchen. I'm not surprised that she doesn't want to spend another second in her living room – I enter a frenzied state of panic just thinking about the church I spent so many miserable, fucked-up hours of my childhood in. Then she starts to speak in a barely audible voice which somehow inexplicably manages to fills the whole room.

"I was sixteen when I joined the army," she begins; her voice dull, her face lifeless, her eyes giving nothing away. "It wasn't that I wanted to fight other people... It was more a case of wanting to win a fight with myself... A fight that I'd been fighting for years; no matter what I told people... A fight that I was still desperate to win... And joining the army... it seemed like the right thing to do... It gave me power... I don't know... I guess I wanted some control in a life which was uncontrollable." She sighs before continuing. "It was great... for a while... I made some mates... Became a captain... Wrote to my girlfriend from time to time... Even carried a photo of her as I went into action – I told everyone she was my sister and the dickheads lapped it up..."

Nikki looks down, and I watch as a tear forms in her eye, pulls itself free and slowly rolls down her flushed cheek. "The army... I didn't leave because I wanted to be an English teacher..." She looks out of her window, and I look too; seeing her reflection in it; watching as she looks across the wild jungle of weeds filling the little square of ground behind her house. Then Nikki looks back at me; her eyes swimming with more tears.

"She broke up with me. Told me she couldn't do the long distance shit. Wrote a letter saying it was over. She didn't have the fucking decency to wait till I returned from the tour... And I broke down, and then _they_ found the letter and passed it around and then that was it; wasn't it? I wasn't Captain Boston anymore... I was just that filthy little dyke that perved on the others in the showers... And so I left; didn't I... Went home and decided to become a teacher – make the best use of my authorative streak, you know?"

I nod because I think I understand – about the need for distraction... The need to hide from yourself... I turned to money; thinking that if I made enough of it I wouldn't need anyone else to make me happy. I thought that a walk-in wardrobe full of pricey designer dresses would make me forget about all years of suffering and pain; and they didn't; they just reminded me of how fragile I really was – my deepest cracks more obvious than ever in every sleeveless item of clothing that I bought.

And then Nikki's talking again; and I'm not sure if she's speaking to me or to herself, but I reply anyway.

"Is everything going to be okay?" she asks; blinking the tears out of her eyes.

"Not everything... but the important things – you and me... we'll pull through..." I tell her confidently; trying to convince myself as well as her.

"How can you be so sure about that? How can I be sure of anything anymore?" she looks down.

I'm not sure if Nikki's looking for comfort; so I decide to test the waters; placing my arm over her shoulders and pulling her closer to me.

"Look... Nikki... You've had a shit couple of days, and I get that..." I begin; completely unsure of where I'm going but certain that 'shit' certainly doesn't cover the hell she's been to. "But darling... You can kneel down and pray or you can get the fuck up and do something about it... Please don't make the same mistake I did..." I made the worst mistake I could've done; trapping myself in a dark cave; hidden from the world; blaming myself for everything and letting the shame overwhelm me; tearing me to pieces and leaving me with slashes up my arm for the world to see.

Nikki looks at me; her red-rimmed azure eyes gazing straight into mine; and I can see myself reflected in her pupils; and then my eyes are travelling all over her face; from her messy strands of hair hanging everywhere to her perfect red lips which I so desperately want to kiss. But I can't think about that; Nikki isn't ready and I don't want to push her when she's such a fragile mess. I don't want to push her like they pushed me; telling me that my meetings with the vicar were the best thing for me; taping posters of Marky Mark and other 'hot boys of the moment' over my walls; trying to encourage me to take a leaf out of Sonya's book and get myself a boyfriend. I didn't know what to do; so I just receded into myself; as if pretending that it wasn't happening would make it all go away.

I realise that I've been looking at her lips for too long; and my eyes flicker back to hers. But she isn't looking into mine. She's looking at my lips and then I'm looking at hers again and then I'm looking into her eyes and she's looking back and then she's closing them and I'm closing them as I move in for a kiss.


	41. Chapter 41

**Good evening! I wrote this chapter earlier but there was no computer to type it up on (hence you're only getting one chapter today). This chapter isn't really for little kids (and idk is it too smutty?) Thanks for your lovely reviews on the last chapter and hope you enjoy this one! :D**

Our lips come together gently; neither of us sure how far the other is ready to go, but both of us unimaginably desperate for more; our lips pressing harder against each other and slowly starting to part. And then our tongues are touching and dancing together uncertainly whilst I use all of my strength to pull Nikki onto my lap so that her legs are straddling down and she's leaning down to kiss me again. My eyes flutter open and I see her beautiful blue ones gazing intently into mine... I can feel her hand too; grasping the shirt material on my back as her other hand starts to tangle through my hair; slowly at first but then faster and I start to make the kiss deeper, but she pulls away; leaving a trail of kisses along my cheekbone as she moves to my ear; nibbling it gently before whispering something in it that sets my heart racing.

"Come to bed?" she asks seductively; moving her head back so that her eyes are looking into mine again; pleading with me to give her the response that she wants. And I do; because I want it too. I want to make her feel special again; to feel wanted and needed and loved rather than feeling like the discarded toy of a failed rapist who had his fun then decided that he'd had enough; a cracked and battered doll with a ripped dress left on the nursery floor; unwanted and utterly helpless. I want her to _know_ that I still love her, and always will... And that I want to be with her; to protect her... to keep her safe.

And that's why I smile when she stands up and scoops me into her arms; carrying me through her house and up the stairs past all of those photos; past the photos of her loving family standing around her and smiling, past the photos of her former life as a soldier before a cruel twist of fate forced her dreams away, and past the photo of her and that laughing woman; the photo that causes me intense jealousy every time I think of it. But now is not the time to be jealous, so I turn away from the photos; straining in Nikki's arms; desperate to kiss her again; almost causing her to lose balance and topple down the stairs. Oops. I decide to stay still and just hold onto Nikki more tightly as we finish the journey to her room.

Once inside; Nikki lays me down on her bed before carefully climbing on top of me; grasping the wooden headboard with her hands as she lowers her lips to meet mine; kissing me more passionately than ever as she starts to slowly move her body against mine. And then she decides that she wants more; grabbing hold of my shirt collar and pulling downwards so that my shirt tears open causing buttons to fly across the room; bouncing on Nikki's carpet. She throws the shirt material off the bed before moving down and resting her head between my breasts and kissing them gently; my hand tangled in her hair; holding her down; keeping her near me.

And I want to feel her skin against mine, but I don't want to push her; not when she's in such a fragile emotional state, so I slide my hands under her jumper; the skin on her back clammy against my cool palms; and when she doesn't react I start to tug her jumper over her head; trying my hardest not to let it touch those blossoming blue-black bruises which are so dark against the white of her neck. With a little help from Nikki the top is soon off and my eyes are travelling down her perfect body slowly; as if I'm trying to memorise every inch of it.

Then she's kissing me again; going deeper herself this time; her lips slightly cracked against my smoother ones; her hands slowly travelling down my body; grasping the waist of my black trousers and pulling them down. She slides down my body to tug them off completely before slipper her belt off and pulling her own jeans down so that now we're both wearing just our underwear as Nikki climbs back on top of me and brings her lips back to mine as I move my hands down her back to feel the curves of her body.

Nikki's managed to unlatch my bra and I watch as she throws it onto the floor; following its path as it falls by the wardrobe; her hands now pressed against my breasts; caressing them gently as our tongues move more intensely; her rapidly increasing heartbeat hammering hard against my chest.

And then she's moving her hands down, and her fingers are soft as they go inside me and start to work; making me get wetter; making me moan her name as she moves her lips away from mine and trails kisses in a curve along my body before reaching my stomach, flicking her eyes up to look at me and then going slightly lower; kissing me in places she's never kissed me before, and then moving in and going faster; my whole body covered in a sheet of sticky sweat as my beautiful girlfriend makes me scream her name.

A surge of energy pulsates throughout me and I grasp a handful of bed sheets on each side as I ride it out whilst Nikki licks me clean before sliding back up the bed to kiss my lips which are still opening and closing feverishly as I gasp for breath; the sheets now a sweat-soaked crumpled mess.

When the last bubbling wave of life has crashed through me I kiss Nikki before rolling her over and kissing her again; murmuring wordlessly against her lips as I unhook her bra and pull it away from her; our bodies now pressed against each other, our hearts beating together, our tongues moving as one. And suddenly I get the overwhelming desire to make her happy; to make her feel like she wants me... like she needs me. And so I tear my lips away from hers. And I kiss the bruises on her neck to show her that they don't change a thing. Then I move down her body and kiss her breasts before going lower; parting her and moving in.


	42. Chapter 42

**Thanks for your lovely reviews on the last chapter :D Hopefully you'll like this one!**

**(There are a few rape references but nothing graphic, and the first paragraph probably isn't for little people.)**

Nikki resists me involuntarily as I try to enter her, and it takes more than a few coaxing kisses to get her to open up and let me in. Once inside I let my lips and tongue do the work; feeling her get wetter against them; tasting her... and liking it. Nikki starts to moan; quietly at first and then louder; her fingers knotting around my hair, her stomach tensed, her eyes looking up towards the filthily stained ceiling. And then I feel her let go as she climaxes; and my eyes flicker up to see her writhing on the bed; sweat covering her body. And as she rides it out; I lick her clean.

Once she's done I kiss her gently on the tip of her nose; tucking a strand of wet hair behind her ear as I do so. And she's kissing me back; and murmuring against my lips and I can't tell what she's saying and I'm not sure if I want to know so I just open my eyes and look into hers. Then she pulls away.

"Sorry... I'm so... sorry..." she stumbles over her words; her eyes glistening with the ghosts of tears.

"For what?" I ask; confused.

"For being shit."

"Nikki darling... there's nothing shit about you..." I say kissing her again; trying to wordlessly tell her that I love her... trying and failing. Nikki pulls out of the kiss again; crashing down onto the pillow besides me as I open my mouth and tell her I love her over and over again.

"How can you love me when I don't love myself anymore?" she whispers; turning away so that I can't see the tears slowly making their way down her cheeks.

"How could I not love you?" I snuggle up next to her and kiss her gently on the cheeks. "You saved me from myself... and that's something I could never have done without you..." And then I'm off... trying to tell her the stuff that I could never tell her before; about how she really was my guardian angel who led me out of my cold, dark cave hidden away from the world and showed me that there was still good in the world. And I'm trying to make her feel better. And I'm failing miserably. Because I can't change what's already happened; nobody can; not unless they stick a rope around her neck, hang her from a tree and let her rot, and what's the point of getting rid of the future to get rid of the past?

"You should report him, you know..." I tell her. "Turn him into the police for attempted assault and shit..." Even as I say it I know it's pointless; she won't want to report Tom any more than I wanted to report the vicar... Because reporting him would mean reliving the pain... the pain and the shame... And it would mean facing him in court as he told lie after lie whilst leering down at you and smirking... And it might mean watching as the judge declares him 'not guilty' and lets him walk free; unlocking his handcuffs whilst unknowingly putting you into a pair of shackles with a metal ball tied to the foot; slowing you down... always holding you back.

"Look... do you want some lunch?" Nikki asks; desperately trying to change the conversation and steer it away from the deep dark pit we can both tell it's heading towards. And I don't blame her either; because thinking about it means living it, and I still can't do that so I don't expect her to be able to do it either. So I cave in and say 'yes'; kissing her gently on the lips before climbing out of bed and pulling my clothes back on. Nikki follows suit; turning away from me so that I can't see her naked form; because he stole her confidence along with so much else.

Then we're going down the stairs; and I'm halfway down when I hear a SMASH from behind me; turning around to see Nikki sitting on a step; her face in her hands; a photo frame smashed behind her. I pick the photo off the floor; carefully avoiding the shards of glass. It's a happy, beautiful, smiling Nikki surrounded by thickset men; all of them dressed in army gear with massive grins on their faces.

"It doesn't matter," I tell her. "They don't matter at all anymore." It's a lie. They matter to her more than they would ever know; the same way that the playground taunts about me kissing the new kid drove me to using a blade as a form of escape; the soldiers drove Nikki away from a place that she'd lived in, and laughed in, and called home. Because they think it's a joke; and you have to laugh along, don't you? Because otherwise they'll just beat the shit out of you and make everything ten times worse; coming up with new ways to make your life hell.

"It's okay," I whisper; taking her hand. It's covered in blood. Shit. Her knuckles are all bleeding profusely; the sticky red liquid seeping out of the gashes covering her fingers. And it's all wrong... because she hates _them_ but she's taking it out on herself... Just like I did. Maybe she thought that punching a photo of the men that wrecked her would end the pain; but it didn't; it just made it physical, and maybe physical scarring is better than emotional scarring but now she'll have both; just like me.

I lead her the rest of the way down the stairs and sit her on a chair in the kitchen; giving her a glass of water and going to fetch some bandages so that she can wrap her wounds up. And I'm watching as she goes to the sink and washes her wounds out before sitting back down and inspecting the cuts gingerly before starting to wrap them up. And then her phone goes off. And I answer it for her.


	43. Chapter 43

**Thanks for your lovely reviews on the last chapter and a special thanks to Chelsey (for donating bare Lorraine nicknames to this worthy cause) and to Ciara (whose tweet to me actually changed the course of this chapter). Wooooo. I'm feeling energetic and healthy cause I've been on a run. Enjoy! :)**

"Hello Nikki," comes Christine's dulcet tones into my ear.

"Err... h-hey," I stutter; trying my best to sound like my girlfriend who's sitting staring at the cuts covering her hand and failing spectacularly.

"Lorraine?" Christine feigns surprise over the phone. "What are you doing at Nikki's house?"

"I'm... err... checking up on her... Michael... asked..." I'm stammering like a drunk again.

"Really? How interesting. Michael asked me to ring her."

And I don't know what to say to that, so I just let my mouth fall open; grateful that Christine can't see the look of horrified shock spreading across my face. I can imagine her face though; a triumphant sneer because she knows that she's got me cornered completely. After two horrible minutes of dragged-out empty silence which felt like they lasted a lifetime I decide to put the phone down; tearing it away from my burning ear; about to drop it back onto the dialler when I hear a voice coming out of it, and against all sense I put it back to my head. It's Michael.

"Lorraine," he says sternly; his Scottish accent somehow warm over the phone. "You forgot about our meeting..." Oops. Seeing Tom's acceptance of his son's sexuality had driven all thoughts of financial meetings from my mind, and I'd simply raced back to Nikki... and lost all inhibitions as I did my best to make her happy. So I tell Michael some shit about Nikki texting me saying she was sick meaning that I had to go back to see if she was okay. And if I'm honest she is a bit sick; and I'm doing my very best to make her better again. She's sick with guilt; because part of her blames herself for what happened, and maybe part of her always will.

She turned to Tom to turn her, and he failed miserably; only succeeding in making her feel worse than she did before. And that makes me ask myself a question I've asked myself a lot lately; why do we try so hard to change something we know we _never_ can? Because no matter what other people say about being able to 'cure' us THEY WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO. And maybe that's because we're not meant to be cured? What if there's nothing wrong with us after all? _Nothing wrong with us?_ The idea's almost laughable – how can there be nothing wrong with us; after all didn't God's messengers proclaim that homosexuality was an abomination? Guess I'll meet the vicar in hell and he'll be able to tell me all about it.

Michael's asking me to come back to school for the meeting, and he's asking if I can bring Nikki in with me. And I'm saying no, but he's muttering threats down the telephone line; saying that he'll talk to the staff about my extra-curricular relationship with Nikki if I don't. It's blackmail; pure and simple, but he knows that I'll cave in... and I do. I tell him that I'll come in and bring Nikki if she's better and she's frantically shaking her head but there's ABSOLUTELY NOTHING that I can do. So I agree to meet him at three. And then I hand up. That gives me less than quarter of an hour to persuade Nikki to come to school with me. Fuck.

"Look... Nikki..." I begin.

"Look at what, Lorraine? Watch you sucking up to Michael because otherwise he'll spill your dirty little secret to the world?" Those words hit me hard, and I think she knows that she's hurt me because her tone softens as she continues.

"Come on Lo, you've got to be honest with yourself... Do you want to go to school now?"

"No," I say sulkily turning away from her to look out at her garden.

"Then why give in to him? Why give him the fucking satisfaction of knowing that he's won?"

"Because it's easy." And that's it... isn't it? I've spent the last couple of decades crouched in my dark cave being dripped on because hiding away from it all is easier than getting up and braving the rain that's crashing down outside. Easier... but is easier really better? I emerged from my cave with arms covered in scars and arms filled with tears; mentally wounded beyond repair. But she put me back together the best she could and loved me as if the cracks weren't there at all. Then I look back at her, and she smiles; leans forwards and kisses me gently on the lips.

"But Lorri... life isn't meant to be easy..." Nikki says, trailing off as my eyes meet hers and leaning in for another kiss. I let her kiss me on the lips again before telling her that I have to go and giving her a choice to stay here or to come with me to the school. And I know that I'm pushing her when she's already at breaking point and it really isn't fair... but I don't see what choice I really have. I've done what people have wanted for so long that I'm used to just doing what I'm told; a perverted robot controlled by society's worst.

And I instigate the kiss this time; placing one hand on her cheek and the other around her back; pulling her close to me as she parts her lips and closes her eyes; escaping the realities of the world as my tongue traces over her teeth before moving to join hers. I'm sure that she can feel her heart pounding in her chest through my shirt as she bites down on my lower lip, and as her hand starts tangling through my hair I know where this kiss could go. And I want it... I really do... But I can't let it get that far because I promised Michael that I'd be at school less than half an hour from now. And so as gently as I can, I pull away.

Nikki looks at up me with round blue eyes; obviously disappointed by my refusal to take things further, and I look back and ask her what she wants to do.


	44. Chapter 44

**I was somewhat distracted whilst writing this chapter so it's pretty shit - sorry!**

**On a happier note, thanks for all the lovely reviews you guys have left me so far, and thanks so much to all of you who are still reading this - I would never have been able to get this far without you! :)**

"I want... to be with you," she smiles at me sadly before continuing. "Here." I bury my face in my hands and breathe out heavily; that wasn't the plan. I promised Michael that I'd go to him... like a little lapdog as Nikki would say in disgust... But it's too late to back down now; I didn't make my millions through changing my mind over and over; I make a decision and then I go through with it – there's no turning back; I'm a stubborn bitch.

I rub my cheeks and turn to face her. "I've got to go, Nikki... I don't have a choice this time..." I sigh and look her straight in the eye; holding my gaze as she starts to crumple. "I told Michael I'd go... So either you come with me, or you don't..."

She swallows heavily and nervously bites her upper lip; clearly uncertain of what to do. Because she can either stay here wallowing in self-pity; praying to a God who refuses to listen and taking out her hate for Tom on herself... Or she can try to return to normality; facing her fears and taking the first fragile steps towards gaining her old life back. And I've been where she's been, and I don't want her to make the same mistakes I did; the mistakes on show running up my arms for all to see.

"I'll come... come with you..." she stumbles over the words in her rush to get them out of her mouth. And I smile and kiss her lightly on the lips because my beautiful, brave girlfriend is facing her demons and not letting them stop her the same way that I did nineteen years ago. Then I tell her to get ready quickly so we can go; glancing down at my own attire and realising that I can't turn up to school wearing the same ripped, sweaty shirt that Nikki tore off me less than an hour ago. And so I ask if I can borrow a shirt, and she nods, and I follow her upstairs.

Nikki throws me a blouse as I sit down on her bed which is now in a state of messy disarray with the covers pushed right back and the sheets scrunched up. I take off the remains of my old shirt and after inspecting it briefly decide that it's destined for the bin; it doesn't matter – it was only a few hundred quid – I'll just buy another one... As I button up Nikki's striped blouse which is slightly too big for me; the sleeve cuffs coming right over my hands, I look up and see something which makes my heart stop.

Nikki's turned around to get changed and she's removed her T-Shirt so that she's now wearing just a black bra, and as my eyes travel down her body they start unintentionally counting the scratches and the bruises. There are four thin red lines travelling across the base of her spine, and if I'm not very much mistaken (and I hope with all my heart that I am); it was a human hand that made those dark marks on her ice white back. And then Nikki's pulling a high-necked jumper over her head to hide the bruises; as if covering the scabs and scratches will take the pain away... She's trying to hide her shame from the world; protecting her attacker in the process. She doesn't want anyone to know what she's been through because that'll make it real, won't it?

And then we're in my car and I've got my foot on the accelerator and one hand on the wheel and one on the gearstick and we're driving through the empty streets back towards the school. Nikki's shaking her knee nervously and I want to kiss her to take her worries away; I want to tell her that everything's going to be okay but I stayed in my cave long enough to know that I can't just kiss her better and make all the pain and hurt go away. So as I pull into the car park of Waterloo Road School I just smile at Nikki and tell her that I love her and she smiles back weakly and says she loves me too. And then we get out the car and walk up to the school.

As we walk through the corridors we spot a group of pupils led by Jack McAllister who smirks at us as we pass and yells some shit at Nikki about how much lip she's been getting, much to the amusement of his little crowd who snort; with the exception of Rhiannon who rolls her eyes and tells him to shut up as they move away.

Then we pass Audrey who gives us a disapproving look and starts tutting loudly; mumbling stuff about God's fucking will and pulling out her silver cross which she wears on a chain around her neck and kissing it feverishly; like kissing a piece of metal is going to change me from the filthy little dyke that I am. Then she hurries into a classroom to get away from us. And I don't hate her; I pity her... Because she's given up so much of herself to please a God so that she doesn't go to hell when we live on a planet that's the epitome of the word.

Sonya smiles at us as we walk into Michael's waiting room; wishing us a good day and telling us that we can go straight in. And so we do; casting nervous glances at each other as we push the door open and walk inside. Michael smiles at us as we enter; bowing his head at me and then turning to look at Nikki.

"Where have you been?" he asks.


	45. Chapter 45

**This chapter's a bit shorter but I have no idea where I'm going with this storyline :/**

**Thanks for your reviews and thanks to those of you who have privately messaged me :)**

I turn to stare at Nikki in horror; I forgot to tell her that I'd told Michael that she was ill... what if she makes something else up and he realises that it's a load of shit and the whole charade crumbles to pieces. With a quick glance at Nikki who appears to have frozen in some form of terrified shock, I turn back to Michael and start to repeat the lie I'd told him earlier today.

"She's been ill... throwing up and migraines and stuff like-"

Nikki cuts across me. "No... That's not why I've been away... It's something else..." I spin around; my eyes flickering all over her face trying to read her mind but her eyes are blank; her mouth giving nothing away, and so I just look down at the grey carpet and listen as Nikki explains everything that's happened in the twenty-four hours since I left her house; from Tom turning up to her house to discuss deputy work to him trying to make things personal; begging her for the chance to start again. And then she describes how he shoved her against the wall and forced his hand up her shirt and his lips against hers. And I can't listen anymore – I need to leave... but I have to stay strong... for Nikki. So I listen as she talks about how she fought him off; kneeing him in the stomach; grabbing a metal model ship off the mantelpiece and stabbing him in the leg with it until she drew blood; forcing him to leave. And then she collapses into a chair and I rush across to comfort her.

"Christine..." Michael says softly. "Call the police... Then get Sonya to fetch Tom." Both Nikki and I look around and I see Nikki's already-pale face drain of colour completely and as she turns away from me I hear her retch. Christine is standing behind us; staring at us like a hawk with her brown eyes fixed Nikki's black bob... her brown eyes which are now leaking tears down her cheeks which she wipes away with no shame. And then she spots me watching her and casts a filthy glance in my direction before stalking out.

I rub Nikki's back gently, whispering that it'll be alright and jerking my head at Michael to get out which he does; leaving us alone in his office. As the door closes behind him I hear Nikki burst into tears and I kneel down on the floor in front of her; looking up into her glittering blue eyes; my own trailing down her tear-stained cheeks to her perfect lips. And I want to kiss them... oh god I want to kiss them. But I can't, can I? Because I'm in the head teacher's office and the cops could come in at any moment; they turned up ridiculously quickly when I rung them about my stolen Ferrari... Probably realised how much money I was and wanted a bit of it for themselves...

"It's not going to be alright though... is it?" Nikki's eyes meet mine. "I can't stand there and watch him deny count after count... What if he tries to get me done for stabbing him? Lorraine... I don't think I'm ready for this..."

"You're never going to be ready, Nikki... but I... I'll be there with you... every step of the way... I promise..." And I mean it; I really do... I'm going to be there with her... for her... And I'm going to keep her safe. I know that nothing I say or do will make her believe me when she doesn't even believe in herself; so I just kiss her gently on the cheek; look into her eyes and smile. And she smiles back weakly; looks over my shoulder and promptly throws up the little that's left in her stomach all over me.

I turn around. Through the window separating Michael's office and the waiting room I can see him; the devil reincarnate. Tom Clarkson. He's with his son and both of them are grinning. And I want to go out there and punch the sadistic smile of his sorry little face; but I can't. Because that's not the way that justice works in this country. 'Justice' is throwing someone into a cushy little cell for a few months with Sky TV and two or three piping hot meals a day. They make murderers and rapists totally reliant on the structured day of the prison and as soon as they can't cope without it they spit them out and let society deal with the shit that they've left behind.

And then through the window I watch as a pair of policemen walk into the waiting room and talk to Michael in hushed voices before going up to Tom; saying a few words and then leading him away. I'd give anything to hear what Tom's telling them as they take him away. There's a knock on the door and Michael's showing a female police officer in and then leaving the three of us in peace.

The woman introduces herself as Jennifer and then talks to us about legal procedures before offering to drive us to the police station so that Nikki can give a statement. And Nikki agrees. And Jennifer drives us away.


	46. Chapter 46

**Wooo here's a longer chapter for you! I had to do so much research to get the story right cause I didn't start watching Waterloo Road until after Josh came out so I had to go back through some old episodes to try to work out what happened so sorry if I got any of it wrong - I trieeeed :3**

**Anyway, thanks for your lovely reviews on my last chapter - hope you enjoy this one! :)**

Jennifer ushers me into a waiting area whilst Nikki goes in for her interview, and as she opens the door I catch sight of a mass of short black curls; Josh. He's sitting with his elbows resting on a small table; his head in his hands. As Jennifer closes the door behind me I walk over to him and sit on the wooden chair chained to the ground next to his. It's a few seconds before he looks up.

"You're _with_ Nikki... aren't you?" he asks; his eyes refusing to meet mine.

I nod. "Yeah... yeah I am."

He gives a hollow laugh. "Funny... never really expected you... to you know..."

"Be gay? Funny... never really expected it from you..."

"Me neither," he shrugs.

"What was it like... for you... coming out?" I ask; curious. I don't understand how Josh seems so confident in himself when I've had almost twenty fucking years to accept myself and I'm still terrified that someone else might find the worst part of me. When I was at school (admittedly quite a while ago) my impromptu outing as a lesbian sparked a witch hunt on a grand scale, but whilst the pupils in my day scorned me for my sexuality; Josh's mates seem not only accepting of his relationships but also _appreciative_ of them. And that's new to me; I've never experience anything like it before... I've only ever seen fear and shame in the eyes of the recently outed and so that's how I lived; hiding from the world and hoping that my cave would protect society from the filthy little dyke trapped inside. And then Josh starts to tell his story.

"A few years ago... I started getting... feelings... towards my best mate... Finn. He was like a God in my eyes; funny... fit... And I thought maybe there was something between us... There never was; he was as straight as fuck... But that's not the point... Then some new guy came along... Connor I think his name was... And he came out almost straight away... And they were cool with it... And then I called him a poof..."

I don't need to ask Josh why he lashed out at another gay because I understand; I hated myself for more years than I remember, and the part of me that I hated most was the unchangeable; the part of me that undeniably lusted for women and was repulsed by the idea of having a man's body against my own. And I was very good at hating myself; slashing my wrists and letting the blood drain out; telling myself that I deserved to die for who I was... But after a while hating myself wasn't enough and I started to hate those around me who reminded me of myself... I found myself friends who didn't know about my dirty past and made a series of homophobic slurs to them; laughing with them at the 'filthy little queers' walking down the street hand-in-hand... But it didn't make me feel any better... I just felt like a fucking fraud... Trying to pretend like the gay in me wasn't there at all; lying to myself and trying to believe the lies...

"And then it all got on top of me... And all of a sudden it was just me... and Finn... and we were fighting and then he grabbed me and we were so close that I couldn't help myself... and I just leaned in... Leaned in and kissed him... And then he ran away and I lied and denied anything ever happened until I couldn't lie any longer and then I said it was just a joke and my dad said it was alright – he was just happy he didn't have a queer for a son..."

That makes me wonder what happened to change things between Tom and his father cause sure as hell nothing I ever said or did made any difference to the relationship between me and mine. He hated me from the moment he found out that I was caught snogging another girl behind the bike sheds... He was fucking ashamed of me – more ashamed of me that I ever was of myself. And nothing changed that; he hated me until the day he died; hated me for not being the straight little girl he wanted me to be.

"Then it went round the school that I was a ponce and the rumours... they were killing me... so I got a girlfriend; Lauren... and I kissed her – in front of everyone... But I wasn't thinking of her at all... And then she wanted to take things further... But I couldn't do it, could I? I just pushed her away... My one chance at being normal and I fucked it up..."

I know what he means; I sat on the laps of all types of men; young ones and old ones, bearded ones and bald ones... desperate to find 'my type'. But it was all a pretence because I knew my type all along; the type with the fucking vagina. And sitting on the laps of various men; wriggling out of their drunken reach as they tried to kiss me with their rough lips and alcohol tinged breath wasn't going to change a thing. So eventually I just gave up and went back to my cave.

"It was tough for a few months... But then I guess people accepted that being gay was how I was and that nothing they said was going to change that and they just left me alone... I got a boyfriend; Nate... and for a while it worked out great between us... but his father wasn't quite as accepting as my own; beat up dad for trying to get him to accept his son for who he was..."

No-one ever accepted me for who I was; I was always just the little freak who fancied the new kid and liked a bit of lip. I spent a while trying to pretend it had never happened but my gobby little sister put an end to that and I spent the rest of my schooldays keeping myself to myself; never putting up my hand in class for fear of being ridiculed. I didn't spend much time in class anyway; I preferred to bunk off and smoke a bit of shit to pass the hours. It wasn't fun, but it was easy... and that was all there was to it. Self-hate became my only pastime; it was all I was ever good at; I turned into a shadow of who I was; spending my evenings bleeding the life out of myself and the days trying to smoke the pain away. I came out with a load of shitty GCSEs and dad beat the shit out of me; told me I was good for nothing and deserved to die. And I believed him... I really did.

And then the door's opening and Nikki's coming in. Her eyes are red and blotchy, but they light up at the sight of me and I run over; pulling her into an embrace and closing my eyes as my lips find hers; letting my tongue tell her that I love her and that I'll always be here for her. Josh clears his throat loudly and we fly apart and awkwardly glance around. I smile at Josh, tell him I guess I'll see him around, then take Nikki's hand and lead her out the door.


	47. Chapter 47

**Here's Chapter 47 and I think it takes my Fic past 50 000 words which means I've written 50 000 words in less than a month wooooo :D**

**Thanks for the lovely reviews on the last chapter!**

**Again, not a chapter for little kids but everyone else can try to enjoy it :)**

The police station isn't far from school so we walk back rather than getting a taxi; walking hand-in-hand through the streets which are slowly starting to fill with cars and pupils. We don't talk much; Nikki spends most of the journey staring down at the pavement trying to avoid the pink splodges of spat-out gum and white splotches of bird shit whilst I'm looking towards the sky and watching the birds fly though the sky above us. Sometimes I just wish that I'd grow a pair of wings and be able to fly away from all of my problems... but I wouldn't really be leaving them behind, would I? Because my problems aren't with other people; my problems are with myself.

There are a few people hanging around in the car park when we get back to school; a couple of younger kids making out by the gates as if they're never going to see each other again, and a young dark-skinned man walking with Audrey to her car. I resist the temptation to glare at the pair of them as I pass and instead smirk as I spot the look of disgust that spreads over her face when she notices that Nikki and I are holding hands. She'll probably go back home and bum off her bible before kneeling down to pray for God to forgive us for our terrible sin. But I don't want God's fucking forgiveness; I don't give a shit about what it says in Leviticus about homosexuality being a sin... I'm not going to beg for forgiveness from a God that I don't even believe in.

Then Audrey and her toyboy are driving away leaving just me and Nikki in the carpark and I turn to face her; glancing around to check that we are indeed entirely alone before resting my hands on her cool cheeks and closing my eyes as I lean in for a kiss; her hands somehow finding the curve of my back as the reciprocates the kiss; taking it deeper and deeper as her hands slowly travel down my body; our tongues moving more and more frantically.

And then she's pushing me backwards and pinning me against the burning metal of my Ferrari. But I don't care about the heat; all I care about is the body of the beautiful woman that's pressed against mine; her lips skating urgently against my own, her hands travelling down my sides, her tongue chasing mine.

And we're inside the car now; and I'm lying on the backseat and Nikki's slamming the door shut and climbing on top and her lips are crashing against mine and our tongues are moving together again. Her lips are deliriously hot against my own; her hand slowly edging down my body; creeping into my trousers... into my pants... And then her hand is working and her lips are working and her tongue is working and my eyes are flickering open to see that the windows are starting to steam up and then I'm moaning and she's going deeper and faster and suddenly I'm not in the car anymore; I'm in another world and it's just me and Nikki and we're flying away through the stars...

I'm drenched in sweat and the car's getting hotter and hotter and then I'm sitting up and my hand's moving along the sticky Italian leather towards Nikki. I catch her eye and then move in on her; our lips pressed against each other with unmistakable passion, our tongues going in deeper as my fingers start to make my way inside her; gently at first and then rougher; making her bite my lip... making her moan my name.

And then she's tearing my puke-stained shirt off me and I'm ripping hers open; our chests pressed tightly against each other; our lips moving as one as my fingers do their best to make her scream. And she does; against my lips as beads of sweat tumble down her face and then she's pulling away to take a breath; panting hard in the backseat of my Ferrari; her chest rising and falling rapidly as she leans her head back and screws her eyes shut; lost in the buzz of the moment.

It's a few minutes before her eyes flicker open again, and then she spots me and her eyes travel down my body hungrily and then we're kissing again; one of her hands cupped around my breast; the other around my neck; tangled in my tumbling blonde curls. She's pulling me closer as her kisses move from my mouth to my neck. She bites me gently before moving back to my lips; kissing them with a fiery passion as she pulls me even tighter.

And then I feel it; something hard banging against my chest, and I open my eyes; glancing down to see a silver cross dangling around Nikki's neck; bouncing against my breasts. I look back up at Nikki; her eyes are still shut – she hasn't noticed a thing. And as I close my eyes again and return her kiss I realise that nothing has happened. Nikki's been raised as a Christian; she's allowed to have her own beliefs the same as I'm allowed to have mine. None of that shit matters anymore; it's just me and Nikki and that's the way I want to keep it.

Unfortunately someone else has other ideas.


	48. Chapter 48

**Thanks for your lovely reviews on the last chapter! Hope everyone's had a great day, and hope you enjoy this chapter! :)**

Nikki and I freeze in horrified shock as the tapping on the side of the car continues; entering a frantic panic to pull our clothes back on before squinting through the blackened car window; struggling to see who's standing outside in the cool dark of the evening. I can make out a square face with cropped hair before the stranger lurking outside taps again. I take a deep breath and open the window. It's Audrey glancing disapprovingly into the car with her reproachful brown eyes; trying to see if I'm alone.

"Good evening Lorraine," she smiles a sticky sweet smile. "I came back to look for my earring and saw your car shaking quite violently... I just thought I'd check that everything was okay – make sure that you're alright."

"It was the... ignition... I was turning it on... And then..." I stutter.

"But you're in the back seat!" Audrey fixes me with a gaze of mock confusion.

"Yeah... I thought... Maybe..."

"And your windows... They're all steamed up!"

"Mhmmm... The heating... It's broken..." I stumble over my words in my desperation to think of a plausible excuse.

"Would you like a lift with me then?" she purses her lipsticked lips as if she's going all out for me and I should be eternally grateful. Get into a car with Audrey and listen to Christian FM – no thanks! And besides; what would Nikki do? Sit in the backseat of my Ferrari and wait until morning; going to teach in her ripped shirt... The idea is ludicrous. So I politely decline Audrey's offer and bid her good evening before rolling the window up; hoping with all my heart that she didn't notice the beautiful woman sitting in the seat next to me. I notice her though; kissing her on the lips before climbing into the front seat and driving away; doing anything else would look horribly suspicious.

"You want to come back to my house for tonight?" I ask Nikki; turning to get her response and smiling when I see that she's slowly slipping into a dreamy state of unconsciousness. I don't blame her; she's had a hellish couple of days; I just hope that her dreams are better than her current reality; cause mine sure as hell are not. I wake up screaming the vast majority of nights, having dreamt that the vicar's standing over me; leering as I cower in the corner of the church; begging that he leaves me in peace. But he doesn't – he just gets closer and closer; his cross dangling before my eyes which I screw tightly shut as I feel his heavily ringed and wrinkled hands press me against the wall as he forces himself into me.

The automatic lights at my house flicker into life as I pull into my drive, turning off the ignition and getting out; closing the door gently so as not to wake Nikki up. Then I open Nikki's door, undo her seatbelt for her, kiss her gently on the forehead and watch her sleep. It's a few minutes before her eyelids flutter open, and she does a double take when she sees me before screaming loudly. I put a finger to her soft lips to quieten her and then take her hand and lead her to the front door of my house.

Once inside I sit Nikki down on one of the barstools in my kitchen before asking her what she wants to eat. She says that she doesn't mind so I settle on pasta with tomato sauce – simple so nothing could possibly go wrong you would have thought. Unfortunately dinner turns out to be a disaster.

"This tastes shit," I say bluntly; poking around pieces of mushy pasta in my bowl of slightly too creamy tomato sauce.

"It's fine," Nikki looks at me through heavily-lidded, tired eyes which light up with a mischievous spark as she continues. "I'm sure dessert tastes better." She touches her lip with her tongue; moving it slowly across her upper lip as she catches my eye, winks seductively and then glances down my body.

I push my plate away saying "I don't want any more of this" before standing up. Nikki follows suit and we start to make our way out of the kitchen. Before we've even reached the stairs Nikki's pinned me against the hall wall; trailing kisses from my lips to my neck; tearing my shirt open and moving her lips between my breasts; kissing them as she picks me up in her muscled arms and carries me up the stairs to my bedroom.

Then we're by the bed and I'm pulling her jumper over her head and ripping her shirt off and unzipping her trousers and removing them as she takes off my own. And then she's unhooking my bra and letting it fall to the ground as I fumble with the catch on hers in my desperation to get it off her and expose the ample flesh underneath; my face burning a fiery shade of crimson as I struggle until I finally get it undone and throw it away.

We're lying on my bed now; her hands running over my breasts as her lips press harder against my own; our tongues battling a war I never want to end in our mouths. And then she's biting my lip and moving her kisses away from my lips; onto the side of my neck and then between my breasts before going over my stomach; lower and lower; kissing me again and again before going inside.


	49. Chapter 49

**Another short chapter, but I wrote this in twenty minutes cause I figured you'd rather have a short chapter than no chapter. Thanks for the lovely reviews on the previous chapter and hope you like this one! :)**

I wake with Nikki's warm naked body on my back; her arms wrapped loosely around mine; one sheet pulled half-over the pair of us. I attempt to wriggle around so that I'm facing Nikki without waking her, and I watch as her whole body rises and falls besides me. She looks beautiful when she sleeps; she really does, angelic almost, with her sleek black hair carefully tucked behind her ears and her rouge lips slightly parted. If it wasn't for my fear of waking her I would probably kiss them, but as I can't I have to lay back and watch her sleep.

When Nikki finally wakes her eyes flicker open, and rather than screaming at me as she did before she simply moves her head forward and gives me a morning kiss on the tip of my nose; it's simple and cute and it makes me love her more. Then she rolls out of bed and looks across at me; grinning childishly when she realises that we're both still completely naked. She tells me that she's going to take a shower, and then asks me if I'd like to join her. It doesn't take much persuasion for me to accept her offer, and soon we're in an embrace under the warm frothy water; her arms locked around me, her lips cool against my own, her tongue wide awake despite the early hour.

It's all over too soon though, and we're stepping out of the shower and pulling our clothes on, and I'm putting some toast on for Nikki whilst pouring myself a bowl of cereal. And then we're by my front door, Nikki wearing an expression of complete fear; horribly apprehensive about the day ahead; about the prospect of going into the school she used to call a safe haven. But I kiss her on the lips; tasting the remnants of the strawberry jam she spread so thickly on her toast, and then I pull back and tell her that it'll be okay; that I will keep her safe. And I mean it; I really do.

Then we're in my car; racing through the empty streets; the moon still visible in the sky as the sun slowly starts to rise. We pass a few sleepy dog walkers and a couple of bleary-eyed kids waiting at bus stops; the same as every morning really. And all too soon we're outside the gates of Waterloo Road, and then we're inside them; getting out of the car and walking up the filthy stone steps leading up to the front door.

The corridors are deserted; at eight o'clock no students have arrived yet. The staffroom's not completely empty though; there are a few grumbling teachers I can't put names too and Michael and Christine in the corner making tea; his arms wrapped around her waist. Nobody gives a shit about them being together; I bet it wouldn't be the same if it was me and Nikki doing that. I'm eager to try it out and see, but Nikki's nervous enough as it is and I don't want to push her when she's already so strained.

Someone else does though. Tom Clarkson strolls into the staffroom giving a cocky grin to Michael and Christine as he strides past us whistling loudly and sits down; his legs apart; showing off his freedom; rubbing it in Nikki's face. And then Nikki starts to shake, so I take her hand and hold her steady and lead her out of the staffroom.

We walk down the corridors together and crash into a schoolboy I don't recognise. Nikki recognises him though; she calls his name.

"Kyle Stack!" she snarls.

"Good morning, miss," the boy bows his head respectfully.

"What are you doing here?" she asks in a cold voice.

"Learning, miss," the boy looks up at us with blue eyes; not unlike Nikki's. Eyes full of fear, eyes full of the desire to please, eyes full of hate. And as I look into his eyes I recognise something in them that I've seen in my mirror every morning since I was fourteen years old; the shame. The shame that follows me from place to place; never leaving me alone no matter how much I try to bleed it out of me. The shame I hate with all my heart. And I think I understand him, so I take Nikki's arm and tell her to leave him alone.

"Do you know what he's done?" she spits; furious.

"No," I say. "But every pupil here is equal." It's bullshit, but I'm not going to share his shame; I want her to give him the peace he deserves. And she does. And we walk away.


	50. Chapter 50

**CHAPTER 50 IS HEREEEEEEEE! And it's shit. Because I'm going out and being social (shock horror) so I didn't have much time to spend on this chapter but oh well! Thanks for all of your lovely reviews! Hope you enjoy this chapter! :D**

Nikki turns on me angrily once we've rounded a corner; fury in her eyes as she starts to rant about lethal alcohol shots and wild punches. I've got no idea what she's on about and tell her to calm down but she isn't listening; she's mad, deranged, livid. And it's cute so I laugh, and that infuriates her even more, so I stand on the tips of my toes and give her a quick kiss on the lips; pulling away quickly in case anyone wanders into this corridor and sees us. It does the trick though; calming her; turning her from a fuming mess to a nervous wreck; terrified of the day ahead. I would give her my sympathy but I know she won't want it, so I just give her an awkward half-smile and tell her that everything's going to be alright. And then I walk away.

I start the morning with a meeting with Michael; discussing ways of raising money in order to provide subsidised laptops for underprivileged children to do their homework. Unfortunately we're distracted after just half an hour of debate by a loud knock on the door. Tom barges in before Michael answers; dragging the new boy in with him; gnashing his teeth together in fury as he shoves Kyle towards us.

"What..." he snarls; taking heavy breaths between words in his anger. "Is this... piece of _filth_... doing... here?" Chunks of spit fly from his mouth as he glares at Michael with wild deranged eyes before shooting a dirty look at me. Michael appears to be lost for words and so I decide to resolve the situation by telling Tom that Kyle is here to learn and that manhandling students in such a manner is unacceptable.

"I'm not sure if you're aware of the situation, _Ms_ Donnegan," Tom runs his tongue over his teeth. "This... criminal... shot a crossbow at my son..."

Kyle shrugs. "That was before."

"Before what?" Tom sneers.

"That's enough!" I snap. "He's staying and that's all there is to it. He can stay in the PRU for now." Tom opens his mouth to say something but I cut him off telling him that I'll take Kyle and then gesture him towards the door; following the young boy outside; triumphant that I've got one over Tom.

As I lead Kyle through the maze of corridors that make up Waterloo Road I watch him out of the corner of my eye; taking in his hunched posture, his eyes fixed on the dull grey tiles that cover the floor, his arms in front of him; covering his body, protecting him, hiding him. He's a lost boy; receded into his shell; too terrified to come out and place his trust in the cruel world which hurt him so bad.

And then we're outside the PRU and I'm asking Kyle if he's ready to go inside and he's shrugging so I'm opening the door and walking in to introduce him. I'm faced with chaos; kids throwing paper balls at each other, slinging insults at each other across the classroom, knocking chairs onto their sides. Everyone falls silent and stops what they're doing as I walk in; their arms falling limply to their sides as I walk over to the whiteboard. On it is a crude drawing of Nikki and a speech bubble containing a string of profanities. I ask the assembled pupils who drew it and am unsurprised by the lack of response; thrusting a whiteboard eraser at the nearest kid and telling him to rub it off. Then I tell everyone to sit down and shut up; gesturing Kyle towards an empty table before heading off to find Nikki.

I crash through door after door; looking everywhere I can think of in my desperation to find my beautiful girlfriend but she's nowhere to be found; not in the staffroom, the prayer-room I didn't know existed, or the car park. At one point I accidently bump into a disgusted looking Audrey who at once heads to the hand sanitizer dispenser and starts wiping her hands together until they go red; muttering some prayer under her breath whilst throwing me disgruntled expressions as I hurry off.

I hit gold when I enter the staff toilets; Nikki's sitting on the floor on the furthest cubicle; her head in her hands; tears leaking down her puffed-up face. She tries to wipe them away when she sees me, but her efforts are in vain, and I hand her a tissue and kiss her gently on the forehead before asking her what's wrong.

"I couldn't do it," she sobs; leaning her head back against the cubicle wall and choking back the tears which threaten to engulf her. "I went in and there were so many of them and they were all around me and they were jostling against me and I couldn't do it so I ran away like the cowardly failure I am."

"Nikki," I say softly. "You're not a failure. You went into that classroom; you _tried_ to do what you had to do, and just because you didn't succeed, it doesn't mean that you failed. You just have to go back and try again... that's all."

"How can I go back in there?" Nikki wails. "I stormed out after five minutes... I'll never last an hour with _that lot_."

"Yes you will," I say. "Because I know you Nikki; you're brave and-" My horribly patronising mock-inspirational speech is cut off mid-sentence by a horrible scream coming from somewhere nearby.


	51. Chapter 51

**This chapter's for Sadie who continued to speak to me even after I told her my awful insulin joke. :)**

**Hope you guys enjoy it!**

Nikki's eyes meet mine and for a brief moment I see the fire in her rekindle; the scream reawakening the best side of her as she leaps to her feet; grabbing my hand and pulling me up too. Then we both dash out of the toilets and down the corridor towards the noise; joining a turbaned a teacher I don't recognise to en route; Nikki in the lead, me in the rear; struggling to keep up in my Louboutin heels.

We round a corner to see the break out of a tumultuous riot; a ring of students pushing and shoving past each other in their desperate attempt to see what's going on. My eyes dart around the corridor as I try to locate the source of the screams, but Nikki gets there first; hurrying towards Rhiannon Salt whose back is pressed against the wall; a look of paralysing fear travelling across her pudgy face.

"Rhiannon! What's wrong?" Nikki's London accent is stronger when she's panicking. Rhiannon doesn't answer though; she's frozen in horrified shock; her eyes unblinking.

"Come on Rhiannon! Tell me what's going on!" Nikki tries to stay calm but I can see that it isn't working and she's going to lose her temper any time soon so I pull her away and tell her to calm down; placing a gentle hand on her arm. She shakes it off though and starts to storm through the crowd to see what's going on. I hear her yell when she reaches the centre, but her words are lost amongst the stamping and screaming of the swarming kids.

It doesn't take long for me to decide what to do and I start to push through the mass of burly teenagers hurling insults; cringing as I'm jostled from side to side; unable to move forwards. I catch a few words from the conversations around me though.

"...new kid thinks he's..."

"Barry Barry won't let..."

"...my nails..."

"...he's got a knife though."

And that's enough for me to join Nikki in her state of panic. A stabbing at Waterloo Road would be a devastating bloodstain on its record; especially given that the school's barely settled into Scotland with a murderer as a headmaster and an aspiring rapist as one of its deputies. I'm not stupid enough to think that I'll be unaffected by any spillage of blood either; my business empire could crumble around me should anyone associate my name with the disaster currently unfolding at Waterloo Road.

I decide to elbow my way forward and end up being bashed by numerous pupils; one shorter lad's elbow ending up in my stomach causing me to double over in pain. And then I get knocked over and I'm lying on the floor as boots stamp around me; terrified on the inevitable trampling that will await me unless I get to my feet very quickly.

Whilst I'm on the filthy floor I manage to peer through the legs of the people around me so that I can see what's going on; Barry Barry and the new boy are throwing punches and kicks at each other, with Nikki watching helplessly on the sidelines. Then there's a glint of silver and I get a rush of adrenaline that pulls me to my feet and carries me through the crowd.

And then I'm standing next to Nikki and I'm grabbing hold of her hand; not giving a shit that we're surrounded by pupils; and I'm grateful that no-one can feel my heart beating a furious tattoo against my chest as I watch the punches and the kicks between the two boys... Can they even be called boys anymore? They fight like men. But there's no compassion or care and maybe that makes them boys after all.

Then there's a furious roar and an enraged Tom Clarkson thunders through the crowds which rapidly disperse upon his arrival; making the circle even larger; increasing the size of the battleground as Barry Barry and Kyle fight for possession of the knife.

"NO!" Tom yells; directing the full force of his fury at Kyle. "YOU WILL NOT HURT ANOTHER PUPIL AT MY SCHOOL." Aside from the fact that Waterloo Road is _my_ school I'm infuriated by Tom's lack of understanding of the situation before his eyes. It's true that I have no idea what the fight is over but I know who started with the knife. And it wasn't Kyle.

And then Tom's surging in and trying to grab hold of the knife and then Nikki's ripping her hand out of mine and joining the fray; two deputies and two schoolboys all fighting for control of one knife; three trying to restore peace and normality to the craziness of their life; one undoubtedly calling for blood to be spilt.

I watch as Barry Barry punches Nikki hard in the stomach and she falls to the floor writhing in agony, and I want to help her; I really do but I'm too terrified of the consequences of getting involved in the rapidly unfurling conflict to move, so I just look on as she grabs her tummy, winces and then somehow makes her way to her feet again; moving her arm across her body to protect herself as she does so.

And then Barry Barry has the knife and he's waving it in the air above his head; grinning around the room of terrified students; glaring at Kyle with deranged eyes before drawing the knife back and starting to move it forward and WHAM! Both Tom and Nikki act at once; throwing themselves in front of Kyle to protect him.

And they do. Because Kyle's standing there unhurt staring as Barry Barry looks down at the bloodied knife in his hand; both Nikki and Tom lying on the floor in a growing pool of blood, and I'm darting forward and kneeling in the sticky liquid; desperate to see which of the teachers in front of me was on the receiving end of Barry's knife.


	52. Chapter 52

**I can't write action - I'm all about the description and emotions but I tried :') Thanks for the lovely reviews on the last chapter! :D**

My heart leaps out of my chest as I fling myself to the floor; watching the fountain of the blood spurting up from the tangled mess that are the bodies of my beautiful girlfriend and her ex-boyfriend. I want to pull their bodies apart; to see whose body is currently being drained of life, but I'm simply too scared. Blood doesn't scare me; I spent too many years leaking blood onto the carpet to be unaffected by the crimson liquid, but I'm terrified of having to go on alone; of losing the only thing I felt happy to call my own. Because I wouldn't be able to go on without Nikki; I'd starve myself to death in my lonely little cave; spending my final days in the empty darkness; my only candle in the night gone forever.

And then Barry Barry's throwing the bloody knife onto the ground at his feet, licking his lips before pulling them back in a feral snarl and then running away down the corridor. Nobody tries to stop him as he rounds a corner and darts out of sight leaving a trail of bloody footprints behind him as an ambulance siren starts sounding faintly in the distance.

A limb poking out of the twisted pair of entangled bodies on the grey tiled floor gives a twitch and the crowd draws in a horrified gasp as one, and I want to look away but I'm paralysed with terror; forced to watch on as the body of one the deputies starts to stir in the middle of an ocean of sticky scarlet blood.

The room is completely silent; all eyes fixed in horror on the chaotic scene of total confusion lying in front of them. And then a rattling breath comes from the centre of the room; shattering the silence into a million tiny shards of nothingness.

It's a few moments before anyone moves, but then Tom's body flies into the air; landing on the cold tiles with a sickening crunch; his once crisp white shirt now soaked in bright red blood; his blood, or Nikki's? That question is answered for me just seconds later, as one of the deputies sits up; looking around in a state of total confusion, a massive purple-blue bump in the centre of their forehead.

And then Nikki realises where she is and her breath catches in her throat as she stares around in horror; her eyes travelling from the bloody river around her to Tom's twitching body; blood pulsating from the deep gash in his stomach. She crawls over to him, and for a moment it looks like she's going to shake his shoulders but she doesn't; a look of repulsion and fear in her eyes as she looks down at the man she once trusted with the task of changing her life.

Tom's body gives a final shudder, his eyes rolling into the back of his head as a bit of blood dribbles out of the corner of his mouth. And then a team of paramedics rushes in carrying a stretcher. One of them kneels by Tom and puts her hand on his neck; shaking her head which she then lowers to his chest.

I'm not hanging around to watch them inspect Tom's lifeless body though; I'm following Nikki as a paramedic helps her limp out of the room; leaving Michael to deal with the chaos I'm leaving behind. I'm sure he'll understand; for the first time in my miserable life I'm putting love before work; climbing into one of the waiting ambulances with Nikki who appears to have gone into a state of shock; her skin pale and clammy, her eyes bleary, her hands shaking. The woman who helped Nikki into the ambulance thrusts a bucket in front of Nikki who retches; a few flying chunks of vomit missing the bucket completely and hitting me. I don't care though; all I care about is that my beautiful girlfriend is alright. Because it could easily be her body lying on the floor in the middle of Waterloo Road; being covered by a sheet and making its way to the morgue.

And then the paramedic is closing the ambulance doors and is turning her full attention to Nikki who's started convulsing; speaking very quickly using medical terms I don't understand and then giving her a shot of adrenalin.

The ambulance is revving into life and we're driving away at a high speed and I'm left to stare at Nikki and think about what would have happened if Tom hadn't been there to take the blade for her. I'd be the one in shock; shaking over Nikki's dead body; too numb to cry. Because it doesn't matter that Nikki and I have only been together for a couple of weeks; I love her like I've been with her for a lifetime. I'm not immature enough to say that I can't imagine life without her; I know exactly what life would be like without her; a bleak mass of emptiness, with me stumbling through the fog to find my way back to my old home; the cave I exiled myself in all those years ago. Because Nikki didn't just save me from the bears and coyotes that lived in my cave; she saved me from myself, and without her there would be no life. There would just be death; the easy way out... the only way out.

And then we're in the hospital and Nikki's on a trolley and they're pushing her along the empty white corridors and I'm tottering after them on my ridiculous heels; struggling to keep up. We pass a huddle of people on the way to the lift; a man and a woman arguing in whispered voices over the little girl standing between them; a girl with scars travelling up her arms half-hidden by a mass of bracelets, a fresh series of cuts near her wrist. And I'm watching the blood drip to the floor and then I'm looking up into her eyes and I can see a younger version of myself reflected there. And then I'm falling into a flashback.


	53. Chapter 53

**Thanks for your lovely reviews - We're now in Month 2 of this FanFic! Woooo! :D Enjoy!**

I'm thirteen again; a confident bubbling bundle of happiness, with hopes and dreams as great as mountains and a smile as wide as the sea. My hair hangs in bouncing blonde curls as I run into my father's open arms and kiss him goodbye before heading off to school; my gap-toothed baby sister Sonya in tow; a mountaineering rucksack on her back – ready for her first day of Year 7. We meet one of my best friends on route and I link arms with her; skipping along the pavement side-by-side; laughing as we make our way down the road without a care in the world.

Then we walk into the school; giggling about something or the other as we walk up to a group of our friends, and as we talk about summer I can't help but notice that one of the boys keeps looking at me. He's got dark blue eyes and long swishy hair; his tie dangling around his neck as if he forgot how to tie it. And then he's asking me out and all of my friends are grinning at each other and nudging me.

"Go on, Lorri," one of them hisses. "You've liked him for ages!" It's a lie; I've never liked any of the boys in our school and I've spent all summer hoping that a new boy will join our class that I'll actually want to get with, but there's not a new face in sight and this one wants an answer and so I say 'yes'. But apparently that isn't enough to keep my assembled mates satisfied and my new boyfriend leans in for a kiss as they all look on expectantly. And then his lips are on mine; hot and chaffed, and I hate it. But that isn't the end of it; he decides to step the kiss up to the next level; sticking his slobbery tongue inside my mouth and wiggling it around a little. If I'm honest it makes me feel a little nauseous and I try to pull away but he just moves his tongue around more; his hand snaking down my body to grab hold of my bum. I'm only saved by the ringing of the bell which forces us to part so that we can line up.

Two months on and I'm sitting by the side of the school's bike shed talking to the new girl and she's telling me that she had to leave her old school because she was bullied. And I ask her why and she seems reluctant to tell me so I just shrug it off and watch her as she rolls up a cigarette, lights it and puffs on it; breathing a stream of smoke out of her mouth before offering it to me. I shrug and tell her that I don't smoke and sit in silence as she purses her lips and puts the cigarette to them again; shaking her blonde hair behind her shoulders as she does so.

It's about a week after that first lunchtime talking to the new girl and we've spent every break behind the bike shed talking and laughing and generally messing around. And it's quite hot despite it being mid-November and so I've taken my jumper off and I'm telling her to follow suit. She seems unwilling to do the same though, and it takes a lot of persuading before she finally pulls the jumper over her head; baring her arms to the world. There are lines running up her arm; some a pale white, some a dark red. Cuts. And I don't understand at first; I'm wondering who would be so cruel as to cut her repeatedly and leave her with lifelong scars, and thinking about how much someone must have hated her to cut her again and again. But then she looks down at them and then at me, and I see the answer in her teary eyes and I don't know what to do so I just grab hold of her hand and feel the electricity shoot along my arm and as I look into her eyes I know that she can feel it too. And it feels good; and I shuffle closer to her; her body warm against my own.

And then she's throwing away her cigarette and her lips are close to my own; her eyes flickering from mine to my lips and she's leaning in and I can smell the smoke on her breath and I'm parting my lips in anticipation of the contact that never comes; the ringing of the bell bringing us both back to our senses. We head up the steps together but as soon as we get inside it's like we don't know each other at all and I'm standing next to my boyfriend and he's holding my hand and grinning around at his mates as he kisses me; oblivious to the fact that I'm not reciprocating his kiss. Or maybe he notices and doesn't care.

I spend a lesson staring at the back of the not-so-new girl's head, watching as she raises a delicate hand up to tuck her hair behind her ear; the teacher taking this as a sign that she wants to answer the question on the board; the other pupils laughing when she's unable to do so. People can be cruel when they're faced with something they don't understand, because cruelty looks better than stupidity.

And the bell's going off and it's lunch and we're sneaking off to the bike shed again and she's taking my hand and looking me in the eye and then she's moving in for a kiss and I'm kissing her back and it feels so good... so liberating that when our lips separate again I let out a little breath of joy as she rolls up another cigarette which she lights before sucking on it gently. But I don't want her lips on the brown paper of the cigarette; I want her lips against my own because it feels good. But then I don't want them there at all. Because I've got a boyfriend and that's how it's meant to be.


	54. Chapter 54

**Another flashback chapter used by me to avoid my absolute lack of medical knowledge because no amount of research will conceal the fact that when it comes to anything beyond a paracetemol and a plaster I'm clueless.**

**Thanks for your reviews on my last chapter, hope you're all having a lovely weekend and hope you enjoy this chapter! :)**

A few months down the line and my friends are on the phone with me; trying to persuade me to go with them to hang out at the park after school like we used to; telling me that my boyfriend's going to be there in their desperate attempt to get back the old Lorraine because they don't like the new one and can't accept that she's changed. I lie; telling them that I'm grounded; determined to avoid another sandpapery kiss with the boy that I've supposedly been in love with for almost five months. It doesn't really matter that I don't like him; it's not about who you like anymore... it never really has been... Because if I'm honest with myself I'm in love with the new girl. But that's just a phase... something I'll grow out of... It has to be; because I'm not one of those fucking dykes that I've spent half of my life laughing at... I can't be.

My dad comes into my room and tells me that there's someone at the door who's here to see me and I leap to my feet a little too eagerly; knowing exactly who it is. I try to push past my dad to get to the door but he holds me back; asking me how my boyfriend is and telling me that I should invite him round for dinner some time. I roll my eyes in response; dad wouldn't even know about my shitty relationship if it wasn't for Sonya and her fat gob, but there's no point in thinking about that now, because I'm opening the door and she's there and I'm hugging her a bit too enthusiastically and holding onto her for a bit too long and dad's looking her up and down and I can tell that he doesn't like her at all.

Then we're walking and talking and our hands are gently brushing against each other, and then we're at school and my boyfriend greets me at the gate with his standard morning kiss; pressing his chaffed lips against my own forcefully; his light stubble rough against the smooth of my cheeks. He's improved at kissing since our first impromptu kiss in the middle of the playground, but still... there's no spark; nothing there to make me want more, and I've got my eyes open as he moves his tongue against my own; our noses clashing awkwardly as he tries to take the kiss deeper.

And then we're in class and I'm sitting at the back with the cool kids, except they don't really seem so cool anymore. Because they're all the same, and when you look past the layers of make-up there's nothing there at all; no emotion, no feelings; just the desire to be liked. And I don't like them at all.

We go to our usual hideout behind the bike shed at break; trying to sit in the shade from the scorching rays of the sun which is climbing higher and higher in the sky. And then she says something funny and it makes me laugh and then she's laughing too and I'm watching her laugh and thinking about how pretty she is with a smile on her face for a change. Her green eyes skate over my face, finally settling on my lips and then I'm looking at her lips and she's moving in and placing her hand on my cheek and then her lips are burning against mine; kissing me like she's never kissed me before and I'm closing my eyes and letting the kiss run over me; letting it feel good. And then I hear a yell and my eyes fly open.

"Dirty dykes getting it on behind the bike sheds!" a boy I recognise from my Maths class is standing over us; his ecstatic, triumphant cry calling over others who join the hunt; looking down at us and laughing like we're a couple of freaks in a freakhouse. And we are, we really are... so I take the insults being hurled at us, curling into a ball to avoid the kicks and punches that come with them. She doesn't though, because she's the new girl and she doesn't know that she can never win; she tries to talk them out of the beating; telling them that there's nothing wrong with her but they just sneer.

"Nothing wrong with you? Take a look at yourself; you're a filthy little lesbian who deserves to die!"

And she did; six months later; tying a rope around her neck and dangling from a tree because nowhere could be worse than here. That shocked them, that did, so they shut up for a bit and left me alone, but they'd already done enough to hurt me – there was no way back; they called me a monster and so I became one. I was a feral unlikable mess; sure that everybody that came near me wanted to hurt me. And they probably did. Because even though they didn't scream and shout at me like they did before; they didn't make any attempt to make me feel like I belonged. And I didn't. Maybe they thought that locking me in a cage away from the world would make me less of a monster... that maybe their ignorance and neglect would take me away from myself. But they didn't. I just became that outcast; the freak that nobody wanted to go near for fear of contamination.

And I was contaminated in the worst way possible; killed whilst trying to be cured so that my own father who used to give me a hug and a kiss every morning couldn't bear to look at me. I couldn't bear to look at myself either; slashing my wrists in the hope that the cuts and the blood would somehow change me and make me better. But they didn't. And as I look at the little girl standing across the narrow hospital corridor from me with big brown eyes and a wobbly lower lip I know that they won't help her either. But there's nothing I can do about it, so I just walk off down the corridor; determined to find Nikki and bring her home.


	55. Chapter 55

**This chapter is ridiculously short and ridiculously shit. Sorry.**

**On a slightly different note, I can feel the end of this Fic coming and I'm just wondering if there's anything that anyone feels should be in this Fic before I call it a day. :)**

The hospital corridors all look the same as I wander down them; poking my head through a few doors; desperately hoping to see a bob of slightly messy black hair or a pair of startlingly blue eyes, but to no avail; Nikki is simply nowhere to be found, so I make my wearisome way down to reception and ask the bored looking woman sitting there if she knows where Nikki is, but she just shrugs and gives me an expression that clearly states 'why the fuck should I care' so I walk away. I pass many frantic looking families as I stumble down corridor after corridor, and as I look into their desperate eyes and watch the tears tumble down their cheeks I wonder what it would feel like to know that people would _care_ whether I lived or died. My parents wouldn't have given a shit if I'd plummeted off a bridge and drowned in the icy water – all they wanted was to get me out of their life; they didn't care how I went – they just wanted my departure to put an end to their shame. _Their shame?!_ Like I didn't spend nineteen fucking years terrified of myself and the shame from my fucking past that was ALL THEIR FUCKING FAULT.

And then I see a patient that looks like Nikki dashing from the toilets to the ward down the corridor; her wild black hair fanning out behind her as she runs through the door. I raise an eyebrow and decide to follow her down the corridor, moving to the side as a trolley passes me; a white sheet dotted with red splashes covering an unmoving lump. I'd bet half my fortune on it being a body; dead... without life... without feeling. Perhaps that's the easiest way to be; not living at all. Because not living means no feeling and no feeling means no pain. And I've never known anything but pain; anything I've ever liked has been ripped out of my grasp by fate's cruel, unforgiving hand; leaving me trapped in a cave of fear.

Nikki's sitting up in a hospital bed when I walk into the ward and I let out a little squeal when I see her; rushing over to give her a hug and then a kiss; letting my cool lips brush against her burning ones; my hands pulling her body against mine; holding her close... keeping her safe from harm. And as I kiss her I know that I love her. And as she kisses back I know that she loves me too.

Nikki pulls out of the kiss. "Do you know how Tom is?"

I shrug; unwilling to tell her but knowing I have to. "He's... dead." And then I realise what I've said and retch. Because whatever monster Tom may have been, he saved the life of my girlfriend and I will be forever in his debt.

Nikki seems relatively unaffected by this news; shrugging and saying "I guess that makes two of us" before breaking down into hot tears. And I know what she means, because she's alive and breathing but she's collapsing under the strain of the last few days; taking shelter from the battering winds behind the gravestone of her ex. And I want to join her, but I'm trying to stay strong... For the first time in my life I'm throwing my umbrella away and trying to dance in the rain that's crashing down around me. Because that's the best way to live isn't it? Not letting anything get in your way. And we'll fight through this together – I know we will; I'll lead her out of her shelter and kiss her in the rain. Hot lips in a cool world; tongues dancing a quickstep to our heartbeat.

Then the nurse is coming in and saying that she wants to keep Nikki in overnight for observation and then she's shooing me away down the corridor without giving me the chance to kiss my beautiful girlfriend goodbye. Before I know what's going on I'm standing outside the hospital with tears streaming down my face; the clouded sky crying with me as I dial for a taxi; keeping my eyes peeled for the arrival of a black cab that will come along and carry me away.

I sit in the back of the taxi alone; shaking despite the car being heated, because no matter what I may tell myself I'm always going to be terrified in the company of a stranger. And as I climb out of the car I can feel my hand trembling as I hand the driver a couple of crisp twenty pound notes; darting to my house; unlocking the door and going in.


	56. Chapter 56

**Thanks for your lovely reviews on my previous chapter and hopefully you'll like this one! :)**

The house is cold and empty without her in it; the decor soulless and blank. A fly buzzes around my head and I slap it irritably. It falls to the ground; dead. I shrug and walk away; collapsing into an armchair as warm tears spill down my cheeks. Because I love her. I fucking love her. And I don't want to hide it anymore; I don't want to spend my life hiding in the dark treating her like a dirty little secret I'm too ashamed to share with the world, but I'm too scared to take the first few feeble steps away from the dark cave I've called home for too long. Because I'm safe when I'm in my cave; hidden away from the world. But being safe isn't enough anymore; I'm fed up of the lies that have followed me with the demons; never leaving me alone and letting me be me in peace.

I wipe the tears from my face with a shaking hand; not because I'm ashamed of them but because I'm terrified of what they mean. They mean that I'm admitting the lies I've told myself... told everyone for so long... The lies that I tried so hard to make myself believe; going to bars, getting wasted and thinking that perhaps the alcohol would take me away from myself. But no-one can lie to themselves forever, and maybe I need some brutal honesty. Because I'm never going to be 'normal'. And I don't want to be if being normal means being someone else and living in a cage, because no number of shackles and chains will take me away from myself. I'm a filthy dyke... I'm a dirty lezza... I'm me. And I'm not going to change to conform to society's twisted ideology.

My hand trembles as I fill a kettle; watching the cool water splash as I slam the lid and set it to boil. Coffee will keep me awake and keep the nightmares away. Because surely avoiding the demons is better than confronting them; confronting them would mean fighting a never-ending battle I would never win. I'm too weak; too cowardly. So I'll keep my eyes open and live a nightmare instead; trying to float in a world determined to drown me. But it isn't enough to be able to float; I need to learn to swim through the storms. I can afford to buy a boat but what's the point when the only one on offer's going to hell. Money can buy a lot of things... but that's all they are – things. And the most important things in life aren't really things at all.

And then I'm stirring the coffee powder around in the mug and raising the mug to my lips and feeling the boiling liquid scald my lips; feeling it but not feeling anything. Because it's just physical pain isn't it; it'll hurt for a while and then it'll get better, but if I let go of Nikki and go back to my cave and hide away from the world I won't get better, will I? Because it's not about taking shelter from the rain anymore; it's about dancing in it. And when the rain stops crashing down there'll be a beautiful rainbow in the sky for all to see. And I'll take Nikki by the hand and walk with her along the rainbow looking for a pot of gold and I'll get to the end of the rainbow and there'll be nothing there and I'll realise that the real gold's been by my side the whole time.

I'm gulping the coffee back now; feeling it trickle down my throat; satisfyingly searing; heating me up from the inside; setting my heart racing. And then I'm slumping back into my chintz armchair; shaking my head as another tidal wave of tears crashes over my face because no matter what I try to tell myself I still see myself as a monster; destined to go to hell from the moment that I was born. But it doesn't have to be that way, does it? Surely being me isn't a sin worthy of hell... It's not like I've killed anyone... The only thing I've killed is the happy little girl I used to be. But people change, don't they? And once I'd seen the harsh reality of the cruel world that I inhabited I wasn't going to stay as a happy-go-lucky girl without a care in the world – I had to adapt... to protect myself. And so I moved away from the people that knew all about me and sculptured a new life for myself; one in which I wasn't going to be judged for my most fundamental flaw; my uncontrollable yearn to be with a woman.

Then I've finished my coffee and I'm placing my mug on the kitchen surface; turning away only to hear it smash onto the marble tiles. I look back and see blue and white pieces of porcelain covering the floor. The mug is broken; useless... beyond repair. A bit like me. Except I'm not beyond repair, am I? The broken bits of me had the will to fight on... The desire to survive, so surely there's still a little bit of hope at the end of that long black tunnel that someone can pick up the broken pieces of my soul and stick them back together to create something stronger than the mess that was in my place before.

As I start to pick up the pathetic pieces of mismatched pottery I feel a sharp pain on one of my fingers and look down to see that it's dripping blood from a small cut. I raise my finger to my eyes to examine it; there's a lot of blood there for one small cut; lots of pain for one little scratch. I put the offending finger to my lips; gently moving them against the cut to soak up the leaking blood; tasting rust against my tongue. And then I'm turning away and leaving the smashed up mug for someone else to clear up.

I stop myself at the door. I can't live my life like this; running away from my problems and expecting someone else to pick up the pieces; I've got to start trying to put my own life back together; I've just got to work out how.


	57. Chapter 57

**Wooo thanks for your reviews on the last chapter - they were so nice and awww :) We've also reached 60 000 words which is awesome, and here's another chapter (obviously). Enjoy!**

I'm woken early by the loud crowing of a cockerel from the neighbouring farm and I stretch my arms widely before burying myself under my silk sheets; my mind spinning as I flashback through the events of the previous day; the arrival of the new boy, Nikki crying in the toilets, the blood... The blood that spread across the corridor of the school I put my heart and soul into... the blood of the man that tried to take the life from the woman I love... the blood of the man that died trying to save her. Fighting the negative publicity resulting from the murder of the deputy head's going to be a nightmare worthy of one of my sleepless nights; it'll make national headlines and Havelock High will have a field day. Fuck Lorraine... a man's been killed and the first thing you think of is how the murder's going to affect your never ending stash of money... Guess they were telling the truth when they said that I was a heartless monster. Not that I can bring myself to feel sorry for the beast that tried and failed to banish my beautiful girlfriend to the cave that I was imprisoned in for so long.

The ringing of my phone brings me back to my senses and I roll over wearily; my hand crashing down on my bedside table and fumbling around for a bit before grabbing hold of it and looking at the caller ID. It's Michael. I sigh and pick up. He starts rambling straight away; going on about how he wants to keep the school going the same as normal and that he's sent an email to the parents informing them of the situation. Apparently the police have already been and gone having taken photos of the crime scene. Barry Barry's been arrested and charged with murder and is currently sitting in a cell at the police station. I hope he rots there. And then Michael's telling me that we're holding a special memorial assembly today in addition to the normal assembly on Friday. And he wants me to make a speech in it. He wants me to make a fucking speech to mark the death of a man I loathed when I haven't even written a speech for the funeral of my own fucking mother. I point-blank refuse, and he seems to accept that he's fighting a losing battle because for the first time in forever he doesn't try to change my mind. He says that he'll see me later, and then he hangs up. Goodbye and good riddance I think to myself; yawning as I clasp up my bra before pulling my pyjama top over my head; rifling around in my walk-in wardrobe for something suitable to wear for the sombre day ahead.

For a relatively miserable person I own shockingly few items of black clothing with only a few pairs of black trousers and one black dress. It's sleeveless. And that means baring my scars. But isn't that what I was talking about last night; being proud of my past rather than running away from it; showing the world my scars rather than pretending that they don't exist. Because they do, and nothing's going to change that. So I pull the black dress on and give myself a long hard look in the mirror; my eyes irresistibly drawn to the criss-cross of white lines running down my arms for the world to see. And then I shrug, because they're there to stay, and I start to apply my make-up; covering my face with powders and creams to make myself feel safe. Once I could go outside in nothing more than a splash of lip gloss; now I have to apply a full face of make-up every time I leave the house. Because that's the society we live in; isn't it? The society's that's wrecked my self-confidence and filled me with insecurities as deep as the sea. And I hate it, but that's how it is, and I can either accept it or change it. And for now I've got bigger concerns than my extravagant monthly spend on cosmetics, so I put it to the back of my mind and go downstairs to make breakfast.

I decide that I'm not hungry and pour myself a quick glass of orange juice; gulping it down before going to my car and hopping in; one foot on the accelerator, one hand on the steering wheel tapping out the beat to the cheery song on the radio. I've missed music; music used to be my safe haven; I'd stick a few depressive songs on and suddenly my big problems didn't seem so big. It didn't work for long though because every CD comes to an end and every time mine did all the pain and shame would come flooding back and I'd crouch by my bed; crying as I ran a serrated blade over my already scarred skin; bleeding my demons out. Or at least trying to; they didn't want to go; staying with me... torturing me day after day, night after night.

And then I'm parking in the hospital and hearing my heels go clickety-clack as I make my way through the car-park; watching a young man stumble in front of me; his movement constricted by the considerable amount of alcohol he surely spent last night glugging down. And I don't judge him; I pity him. Because he needs alcohol to have a good time. And I don't. I just need Nikki.

The hospital receptionist rolls her eyes as I walk over to her; clearly recognising me from yesterday. But this time she gives me the information I need and points me in the right direction; flashing a fake smile at me as I thank her and walk away in search of my beautiful girlfriend.


	58. Chapter 58

**Sorry for not updating yesterday - I was being social and then I did an Apprentice marathon with my mate which went on until 3.00 in the morning. As those of you who follow my Twitter will know, I was bitterly disappointed that Luisa didn't win - great potential and amazing track record! Okay I'm obsessed with The Apprentice and business and shit but I'll shut up now and let you read. Enjoy!**

Nikki smiles at me as I walk into her ward; flashing her pearly whites as she tells me happily that she's been discharged. She still looks clammy though; her slightly damp black hair sticking to her pale forehead as she stand up and moves in for a kiss. I laugh as I kiss her back; smiling against her lips; somehow smooth despite her rough appearance. An elderly woman at the far end of the ward clears her throat loudly and we part to look at her; pulling faces at each other as she gives us a disapproving glance before turning away from us and muttering to her grey-haired neighbour who shoots us a glance and tuts loudly. I shrug, take Nikki's hand and lead her out of the ward; determined not to let the idle gossip of a couple of deranged patients affect my cheery mood.

After a quick chat with some medical professionals, Nikki and I stroll to my car and I offer to drive her home so that she can get ready before going to the memorial assembly at school. Nikki freezes at those words and begins stressing about how she can't pretend to mourn the death of a man she lived to loath, but I tell her that it'll be alright and she says she'll try.

And then we're at Nikki's house and she's opening her front door and letting me in and then we're climbing up her stairs past all of those photos from her past, but I don't see them anymore; all I see is the beautiful woman before me; the beautiful woman I'm blessed to be with. She starts pulling off her sticky sweat-stained clothes as soon as we enter her bedroom, and I'm watching her get undressed; thinking that I'll have to avert my eyes from the bruises covering her back. But I don't. Because I don't see them anymore; all I see is the woman behind the bruises; the woman that fought back everything that this cruel world threw at her; the woman that I love.

As she removes her final garment I move towards her and wrap my arm protectively around her; pulling her towards me so that our noses are touching and her cobalt eyes are gazing straight into my own. And I tell her that I love her, and then she tilts her head and presses her lips against my own; her tongue meeting mine sending shivers down my spine before carefully tracing the outline of my teeth. And then her tongue's moving with mine; softly at first, but then rougher; moving deeper as she starts to rip my clothes off; forcing me back against the wall as she places her hands on the arc of my back and pulls me into her; her lips moving fiercely against my own as her tongue goes in deeper; one of her hands creeping down my semi-nude body to my crotch and slowly starting to work as our hopelessly entangled bodies move as one; her heart thumping against my chest; her lips starting to move along my neck; biting carefully by my jugular artery as I start to moan her name.

And then she's pulling me into the shower and turning it on; kissing me and working me under the violent downpour of water as I run my hands over her smooth skin; feeling the outline of her bones underneath whilst leaning my head back and letting the water tip over my face as Nikki works harder; going deeper and faster until I'm screaming her name.

I'm flying through the rain; my heart thrashing about wildly in my chest as I pull away from Nikki and gasp for air; the water splashing all over me as I let the bubbles of ecstasy travel through me; overwhelming me, drowning me.

And then it's over and Nikki and I are standing in the centre of her bathroom shivering; her skin going a cool tinge of blue. But as I watch she's stepping towards me and placing her cool palms on my cheeks and giving me a kiss; a gentle kiss, a passionate kiss, a kiss of life. And in that kiss are all the words that she can't bring herself to say and my eyes flutter shut as I let the amazing warmth spread through me; shooting across my chest, filling me up, pulsating out of me as I kiss her back; the tip of my tongue running against hers slowly; my eyes flickering open as she pulls out and looks me in the eye and tells me she loves me. And I smile because I know it's true.

Then we're drying ourselves and pulling on our black clothes and heading out of the house towards my car, and just before we get inside I turn to Nikki and watch as a droplet of water rolls down her cheek. I move to wipe it away; feeling its unnatural warmth against the cool of my fingers. And then I kiss her again. And tell her that everything's going to be alright. And as we drive away towards the school I really believe that it will be.


	59. Chapter 59

**Thanks for your lovely reviews on my previous couple of chapters!**

**I'm bricking it for results day tomorrow, and I plan to update in the morning but just in case something terrible happens may I take this opportunity to wish everyone reading this who's getting results the best of luck!**

**Hope you like this chapter! :)**

Nikki's shaking as she steps out of the car; chewing anxiously on her thumbnail and nervously biting her lower lip as a couple of tears stream down her waxy cheeks. To the world she looks like a broken woman, but I know her better than that and I can see the spark moving behind her azure eyes and I know that she hasn't given up at all; she's just struggling in her fight to keep her emotions hidden away; trying desperately to present a strong face to the world whilst inside she's a crumpled mess desperately in need of a bit of love. And so I give her some; kissing her gently as I pull her into me; murmuring words of support onto her perfect trembling lips as I feel her arms clench around me; her whole body shuddering as I hold her close.

I hear the approaching crunch of heavy boots on withering leaves and the worst part of me wants to let go of Nikki and keep my dirty secret hidden from the world. But I can't do that. Because Nikki needs me right now and letting go of her would be like showing her that I'm just as bad as the rest of them; a filthy little liar who only says that she loves her for a bit of lip. And I'm not. Because I love Nikki like I've never loved anyone before. And that's all there is to it.

That's why I don't flinch when I see the flaming red hair of Rhiannon whipping around her head as she turns a corner and sees us locked in embrace in the centre of the car park. I just look at her with fiercely burning pride in my eyes. Because I am proud; proud that I survived the trap that society set up for me, proud that I love a woman, proud that I can finally say that I love myself. And that's something that I don't understand at all; having hated myself for so long I struggle with the prospect of actually liking myself. Because I have my flaws just like we all do, but I've come to realise that my sexuality isn't a flaw at all; it's just an integral part of who I am; nothing more and nothing less.

Rhiannon casts us a teary eyed glance; black make-up forming rivers which run down her pudgy cheeks dripping onto the cheap tarmac of the car park. I realise why at once; she's crying for Tom fucking Clarkson; the man killed by a single stab wound in the centre of the school just yesterday. And that shows how fragile we really are, doesn't it? The stupid actions of a teenager who thought he knew everything but knew nothing at all cost a man his life... If I can even call him a man; monster would be a better word; a monster sent from hell to wreak havoc on the life of the one I love... A monster that saved her life; giving up his own in the process. Not that anybody else knows... and maybe now they never will.

Nikki and I are walking up the steps of Waterloo Road School now; my delicate hand trying to steady her trembling one; to calm her nerves. Because she doesn't want to do this – she doesn't want to do this at all; watch a roomful of people crying over a monster they believe to be a hero, but she knows that facing her problems now... before they get too great... is going to be better than denying their existence like I did. Because denying my problems turned me into a blubbering, bleeding mess and I don't want her to make the same mistakes that I did.

We're turning a corner and joining the hundreds of students, teachers and parents flocking into the hall; sitting on the back row; near a door so Nikki can leave if everything gets too much. But she won't leave, Nikki won't, because she's stubborn as fuck and she wants to do this; like hell she wants to do this. And she will. And then she'll bury her demons with Tom's body; deep, deep underground where no-one will ever find them. And then she'll be able to move on.

Michael's standing up; his steady blue eyes scanning the room; taking in everything and yet taking in nothing at all as he clears his throat and begins to speak in a sombre Scottish accent.

"We didn't just lose a great teacher yesterday..." Michael's speech is long, rambling and very boring; describing the life of a coward but dressing it up so he sounds like the fearless saviour of the world. It's fucking outrageous but what else can he do? And so I keep my anger to myself; trying to keep a soothing hand on Nikki's thigh to comfort her; anything else would be distasteful at such an occasion.

And then Michael's asking everyone to stand up and stay silent for a minute in memory of 'a kind and caring man'. A shuffle of feet follows this announcement and then there's silence, and I've never heard anything so pure. And it stinks. Because this is all wrong and there's absolutely nothing that I can do about it.

I leave with everyone else; feeling stony-hearted with my dry face amongst all the wet ones, but why should I weep for a man who tried so hard to wreck the life of the one person I love? I'm not going to live a lie anymore, and I never will again. Because that's not the way I want to live my life; caught in a web of uncontrollable lies which spiral crazily out of control; taking me with them.

And as I pass Michael I realise how I'm going to put my past right, whispering a proposal in his ear. He looks at me and nods, and then I hurry away to find my beautiful girlfriend in the lingering crowds.


	60. Chapter 60

**Not sure why this chapter's so short :/ but hopefully you'll enjoy it anyway...**

**Thanks for all of your lovely reviews! :)**

I find Nikki in the same place that I found her yesterday; crouched in the corner of the staff toilets; her hands over her ears; trying to block out the world. And I don't blame her either, because the world's a nasty fucking place full of people trying to force you down; under the water, making you drown in a sea of regrets. We live in a nasty world full to the brim of broken dreams and broken hearts, with demons hiding down every dark alley selling drugs that claim to take it all away.

But there's only one way to take the harsh reality of the world away, and I know it all too well. And I'm not talking about the slashes on my wrist or the noose on the end of the rope or any of that; I'm talking about showing her the last thing left in Pandora's cruel box of tricks, and showing it to her the only way I know how; with a kiss. And so I crouch down opposite her and lean forward; my lips gently colliding with hers; her tear-filled sapphire eyes staring straight into mine. It's a few seconds before I pull back, and when I do it's to tell her that I love her. And then she opens her mouth and starts to say something back but the SLAM of the door opening takes the words out of her mouth and they float away into the land of lost moments.

Audrey totters in; the deep lines around her dark eyes more prominent than ever as she scowls down at us and says that she detests all sinners; the direction of her gaze towards the pair of us dropping a less-than-subtle hint that we are the sinners that she hates. And for the first time I don't take Audrey's unfounded criticism and let her be; I tell her that I've done nothing wrong.

"If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them..." Audrey quotes; cruel excitement sparking up in her black eyes.

"Yeah... but I'm not a man..." I begin; causing Nikki to break into a fit of uncontrollable giggles. Giggles which give me confidence and spurn me on as Audrey continues in her attempt to break me.

"You are with a _woman_. You have sinned. God denounces it, and I denounce you..."

"If God _denounces_ me for being with a woman then be there no God at all," I shrug whilst Audrey enters some weird form of maddened shock; clutching her heart with one hand and the cubicle wall with another before muttering that we are surely the devil's servants sent from the fiery pits of hell before saying that she feels faint and leaving the room.

I stand up and pull Nikki to her feet once Audrey's footsteps are out of earshot; giving her hand a comforting squeeze before looking her straight in the eye.

"Now look here, Boston Bruiser..." I begin; watching the corners of Nikki's mouth turn up in a weak smile at the use of her old nickname. "You fought in the army; you can't let a little room full of school kids beat you. Now you get out there and kick some ass!" I smirk before adding "though not literally – I don't want to have to sack you" as an afterthought.

Then Nikki's gone; marching away down the corridor but turning right at the end and asking me if I want to meet for lunch. I smile and nod and then she stomps away; her feet sounding long reverberations after her. And then she's gone, and I'm all alone in the corridor outside the staff toilets; starting to head away but crashing straight into my sister who drops a massive pile of papers onto the floor; wincing as she watches them fall. But I don't ignore her pleas for help as I've done time and time before; I crouch down and help her to pick them up. Because she didn't ignore my cries when I wept tears of blood down my arm at the tender age of fourteen; she came into my room and asked me if I was okay. And I said that I was fine, because that's what you do; isn't it? You pretend that everything's alright because that's the easiest thing to do. But in the end it isn't really that easy at all...


	61. Chapter 61

**Wooo sorry for the slow updates - I've been busy being social!**

**I made my first YouTube vlog this morning (my YouTube channel's called PotatoTheDani if you want to watch it)!**

**Anyway, thanks for your reviews and I hope you enjoy this chapter!**

I'm in the dining hall long before the bell's even rung to signal the end of classes for the morning; chatting to Maggie who confesses that she's shaken to her roots by the death of Tom who she tells me was going to donate a life-saving kidney to her hospitalised husband who's currently lying in a coma. Maybe he had half a heart after all... or maybe he just wanted the world to think he did. I guess it doesn't really matter anymore because he's dead now, and he won't come back.

The bell rings faintly in the distance and Maggie beams a massive smile at me before dumping a scoop of lumpy mashed potato on my plastic tray, followed by a serving of beef stew which lands on the half-mashed potato with an unpleasant plop. I thank Maggie and then take the tray to the centre of the dining room; sitting by myself on the end of a long table; staring around at the empty seats around me before watching the double doors at the end of the room crash open as a stream of pupils floods in; pushing and shoving in their race to get 'food'.

Nikki brings up the rear of the first batch of pupils; her hair a tangled mess, her eyes darting around the room; lighting up as they see me; her legs pulling her towards me as the corners of my mouth turn up irresistibly as I catch sight of her making her way towards me through the crowd. She sits opposite me wrinkling her nose cutely as she gets a pungent waft of the soggy mess piled up on my tray; her hand moving to join mine on the table; lying close enough to mine that we would touch if either of us moved towards the other.

"How was your morning?" I ask Nikki who's staring around the room nervously.

"Ermm it was... terrifying..." Nikki begins; lifting on shoulder in a half shrug before continuing; telling me that the PRU pupils spent the morning making jibes about how they wished she'd taken the knife instead of Tom. Nikki's azure eyes fill with tears as she says this and I pat her knee under the table in what I hope is a comforting manner as pupils start to stare. And then one of them comes over, silently leaving a knife on our table before leaving with a nod of his ugly head. It's all too much for Nikki who buries her face in her hands and runs out of the room to general applause with me hot on her heels; desperate to make sure that she's alright.

Nikki doesn't run to the staff toilets this time (she's probably too scared of bumping into Audrey again) and instead leads me into a walk-in cupboard; slamming the door shut behind me. And then she's forcing me against the door; moving her body into mine as our lips unite; my hands rushing up to her cheeks; wiping away the hot tears before holding her gently as our lips dance. We don't need music; all we need is the beat of our hearts for our tongues to move to; chasing each other around in our mouths; battling for dominance as Nikki's hand slowly climbs up the skirt of my dress; creeping up my thigh as my chest convulses in joy against hers; my lips skating over her cheek and down to her neck; biting gently so as to not leave a mark.

And then she moves her soft fingers inside of me, and it doesn't matter that we're in a simple cupboard at the school I own anymore, because that's not what it's all about – it's about her and me and all the things we can never say. So I move my lips back to hers; my eyes flying open as she goes in deeper; the corners of her cobalt eyes creased in concentration as she tries to make me feel good; smiling through the kiss as I start to moan against her lips.

And then we hear a knock on the door and freeze; Nikki slowly retracting her fingers from me; not breaking eye contact as she brings them to her lips; licking them dry with fire in her eyes before leaning in to kiss me again; my shocked mouth uncooperative as she moves her lips against mine; one hand wrapped around my back, the other resting against my breast as I part my lips to let her tongue meet mine.

Someone's kicking the door; I feel it shudder behind my back but ignore it as Nikki's tongue rolls against my own; her arm pulling me closer to her as I close my eyes and allow the power of the kiss wash over me and make me forget everything except for the beautiful woman doing her best to keep me happy on one of the shittiest days of her life. But nothing could make me happier than making her smile, and so I keep my lips pressed against hers and feel her smile against it as one of my hands tangles through her hair; messing it up even more.

But then we hear a key turn in the lock of the cupboard door and tear ourselves apart; each grabbing a different cleaning appliance as the door opens; light flooding into the small cupboard. I turn to face the door; a mop grasped in my left hand; terrified of who I'm going to see.


	62. Chapter 62

**Wooo ta for all of your reviews on my previous chapter - you guys really like 'action' scenes, don't you? ;)**

**Anyway, this chapter contains content that may offend religious people - sorry :/**

**Hopefully you'll enjoy this! :) AND THANKS FOR 200 REVIEWS!**

Audrey's dull drone travels through the darkness towards me, and as my eyes adjust to the light I see her dirt-coloured, tear-filled eyes staring straight at me as she opens her mouth to criticise me once again.

"Thou shalt not lie with mankind-"

"-as with womankind: it is abomination." I roll my eyes as I finish Audrey's sentence for her. I know the biblical quote only too well having heard it week after week as the vicar forced himself into me; forcing myself out of me as he did so; taking me to my cave in the dark of the forest and leaving me there to rot.

"If you know it then why, oh why, don't you live it?" Audrey seems overcome with emotion as she rests her hand on my shoulder before realising who she's touching and pulling it away as if she's been burnt.

"It's not a choice," I retort. "And besides, you shouldn't believe everything you read – as a history teacher I'm sure you understand..." Nikki and I exchange amused glances as Audrey recoils in horror; opening and closing her mouth like a fish; seemingly unable to speak.

"I-I..." Audrey gasps for breath. "The bible is one of the oldest... most noble works..."

"Of fiction," I quip; smirking.

Audrey's eyes bulge as she continues in her maddened god-fuelled rant. "The bible is the Word of God," she snarls; glaring at us in fury.

"Wonder how many men wrote the bible..." Nikki yawns. "One in ten men's gay, you know, so one of those Johns and Pauls must have been..."

"Bet it was Leviticus – he was a right arsehole..." I wink at Nikki before being silence by Audrey's anguished gasp.

"Leviticus is a book not a writer of the bible. Leviticus condemned homosexuality and those who practise it deserve to burn in hell..."

"Guess we'll be meeting you there, eh Aud?" Nikki grins at me as the history teacher turns and flees; clearly sick of the sight of us.

"Jesus... Wonder what's got into her?" Nikki turns to me in bewilderment before stepping closer to me and kissing me on the lips. "I've got to get to class, babe," she pulls a face. "But I'll see you afterwards, yeah? I'll take you out for dinner if you like?" I smile as she kisses me again before turning and walking away down the corridor. And then she's gone and I'm walking away towards Michael's office.

Sonya stares at me with big blue eyes as I sit down on one of the red leather seats in the waiting area; swallowing heavily before asking me whether I've written the speech.

"What speech?" I ask; frowning.

"The speech... the speech for mum..." Sonya's voice squeaks as my eyes widen in horror. With everything that's happened in the last few days I haven't even had time to begin to write a speech and the funeral's on Thursday. And today's Wednesday. Fuck.

"Erm... I'm working on it..." I lie; a fake smile spreading across my face; refusing to reach my eyes as I start racking my brains trying to think of what I could possibly say about a woman I barely knew. How can I 'give a few words' about the life of a woman I was meant to love but instead loathed for letting my father lead me to a cave?

Michael comes out of his office a few minutes later; still dressed in his black suit with a solemn look on his face as he beckons me inside; sighing as I walk through the door towards his desk before sitting opposite me and thrusting a pile of newspapers in my direction. I'm unsurprised by the headlines, all of which slate the school for allowing a knife within its borders. Pictures of Tom adorn the front pages of most of them and I'm disgusted to see that one newspaper used a photo of Tom with his wrapped around Nikki. But he's dead now... isn't he? It's perfectly feasible to take him to trial, but is it worth reliving the pain and shame to dirty the legacy of a dead man? That's for Nikki to decide, and Nikki alone.

I suffer well over an hour of Michael's continuous grilling over the reputation of the school before I finally escape; promising Sonya that I'll be outside her house ready to pick her up by ten the next morning before dashing off to the car park to see my beautiful girlfriend leaning on the gleaming door of my car; the wind blowing through her hair as she looks up at the sun.

"Alright darling?" I smile; kissing Nikki on the cheek before opening the car door for her and letting her inside whilst pupils wolf-whistle around us. I join her in the car a few moments later; leaning back against the cool Italian leather as I start the car and slowly make my way out of the car park; driving to Nikki's house so that she can change before taking me out to dinner.

It's not long before we're inside Nikki's house and she's closing the front door and forcing me against the dusty wallpaper; unzipping my dress and letting it drop to the floor as she eyes up my cleavage before stooping so that she can kiss my breasts; her lips travelling up my chest and along the side of my neck before meeting my lips; moving deliriously fast against them as her tongue chases mine around in my mouth; her hands moving against my breasts as I fumble with her shirt buttons in my desperation to undo them. And then I'm ripping her shirt off and pulling her closer to me as her arms move onto my back; allowing our bodies to come together in a celebration of survival.

One of her hands finds one of mine and she's grasping it and pulling me up her stairs to her bedroom; kicking the door open and leading me in.


	63. Chapter 63

**Thanks for all of your lovely reviews - I can't believe people are still reading this shit hahaha**

**(ShannonLucyy you can only change your Twitter username on your computer I think, and to change it you go to settings and then just type your new username in - it'll ask for your password. Hope that helps - if you still can't work it out then just dm me or something.)**

**Oh yeah, there's a bit of sex in this... sorry little kids ;)**

I'm pulling Nikki's trousers and pants down and throwing them away before pushing her roughly onto the bed; crawling on top of her and leaning my face towards hers; seeing the sex in her eyes as I bite her lip; softly at first and then harder before trailing a stream of kisses and bites down her body; unhooking her bra as I do so and tossing it aside as I rest my hands on her breasts; fondling them as I kiss around her crotch; feeling her swell and slowly arch her back as I move my lips lower and lower as she gets wet against my tongue.

She tangles her hands in my hair; pressing hard against my scalp as I go deeper; my hands still resting on her breasts as she starts to moan my name; frustrated. I feel her get closer and closer to the edge; her heart thrashing, her hands moving more rapidly, her moans getting gradually louder and louder until she's screaming her name. And then she climaxes and I let her ride it out as wave after wave hits her; her breaths getting heavier and more frequent as I lick her clean before sliding up the bed and watching the ecstasy in her eyes slowly start to die before kissing her in the very centre of her panting lips.

And then she comes to her senses again; rolling on top of me and kissing me hard; her tongue moving rapidly against my own; fighting like a lion as her paws move down my body; slowly creeping over my shoulders and down my back as she unhooks my bra and tears it away; lowering her lips to my breasts and kissing over them as her hands move to the curve in my spine; her lips skating across my stomach now; moving along the line of my underwear before forcing it down and lowering her lips to meet me.

I twist my hands through her hair; holding her down; forcing her to stay there and work me as uncontrollable moans escape my lips; energy pulsating through me as she pushes me over the edge; flying towards the sun with the beautiful woman I love by my side; lifting me higher and higher as I grasp the crisp bed sheets and crumple them in my fists; screwing my eyes shut as I let the joy fill me up; my heart beating itself out as I feel rough lips on my forehead.

My eyes fly open to see a pair of bright blue orbs staring back. And then my eyes come into focus and I see myself reflected in Nikki's pupils; my hair a tangled mess; a torrent of sweat crashing down my face. And I don't even care because I'm with the woman who makes everything better, so I tell her I love her before moving my lips to meet hers; kissing her more softly now; tentatively moving my tongue against hers as she wraps her muscled arms around my body.

I want to lie like this forever; Nikki holding me tight and keeping me safe; united by our lips; our hearts beating slowly together, but I can't because Nikki's booked a table for seven o'clock and so after a few minutes of warmth and togetherness Nikki pulls me off the bed; carrying me into her shower and turning it on; allowing the cool water to wash over us as I snuggle into her strong arms.

And then she's putting me down and I'm reaching up to kiss her; my hands on her cheeks as our lips move together; our tongues twisting and turning as Nikki wraps her arms around me; pulling me into her; her heart beating against mine as I close my eyes and let the kiss wash over me as water patters down around us.

It's all over too soon though, and Nikki's turning the shower off and throwing me a fluffy towel which I wrap around myself before travelling around Nikki's house to collect the various items of my clothing dotted here and there; pulling them on before asking Nikki if she's got any make-up I can borrow but she says she doesn't before asking me why I feel the need to wear it when she loves me just as much with my face as bare as a newborn baby. And I shrug my shoulders before reaching into my handbag and pulling out a make-up bag filled with ridiculously expensive make-up; tipping it over her dressing table before applying a fresh coat of mascara; groaning as I notice a lump forming on the end of one of my lashes.

And then we're in my Ferrari and I've got one hand varying between resting on Nikki's knee and the gearstick, and one hand on the wheel; following Nikki's instructions as she directs me to her favourite restaurant; pulling into the car park; my bright red supercar conspicuous amongst battered Fords and Mondeos.

I peer through the restaurant windows as we pass them; freezing as I see a familiar face staring back; Michael. He smiles at me and I try to smile back before turning to Nikki who takes my hand and leads me into the restaurant; calling over a waiter who leads us to a small circular table in a secluded corner; far away from the other tables.

We order our food quickly and whilst waiting for the drinks to arrive I decide to use the toilets; opening the toilet door only to see Christine washing her hands in the nearest basin. She turns to face me as I enter.

"Hey," she says.


	64. Chapter 64

**I was in a sarcastic mood when I wrote this - sorry.**

**Thanks for all of your lovely reviews on the last chapter though! :)**

"Hi," I reply; glancing around to see if there's a cubicle I can escape into and groaning internally when I realise that the only cubicle is 'occupied'.

"So... You and Nikki, eh?" Christine smirks; her muddy brown eyes crawling up and down my body as if looking for signs of recent lesbian action.

"Yeah," I shrug. "Me and Nikki." I swallow hard as I think of the beautiful woman waiting for me outside.

"So you like them butch, eh?" Christine laughs to herself as I squirm awkwardly in the toilets whilst considering whether turning and fleeing would be easier than standing here and waiting. It probably would be... But it's not about what's easy anymore... It's about what's going to be best for me, and running away from my problems has never worked; it's just exuberated the problems; giving me more and more and leaving me crying helplessly on the floor of a cave with blood streaming down my arms. So I don't run away; I just shrug again.

"My best friend at school was a dyke," Christine screws up her nose at the memory. "But I turned her... I did... Set her up with a guy and then she was straight again... Magic. I can do the same for you if you like?"

I think about Christine's proposition for a while before shaking my head. You can't be _turned_. Lots of people have tried to turn me – as if forcing my hands together in prayer and sending a vicar to stick his cock up me was going to make me suddenly _decide_ to like men. Being gay isn't a choice and it never was. I didn't want to be different... I didn't want to be a monster... It just happened, and accepting it's easier than trying to be something I never can be.

"You sure about that?" Christine's Scottish accent's irritating even when she isn't intoxicated. "I know a lovely man that's just got back from Shanghai and he's _love_ a bit of company. He's rich... intelligent... witty... What more could you want?"

"A vagina," I roll my eyes; stalking into the cubicle which an old woman has just vacated; listening to the conversation that she has with Christine about her gay son; trying not to laugh too loudly as she talks about how handsome her son-in-law is and how proud she is of the work that her son's done for the gay community whilst Christine struggles to get a word in; eventually running out whilst the elderly woman laughs to herself; water splashing as she washes her hands. And then she's gone.

I sit opposite Nikki with a smile spreading across my face and when Nikki asks what I find so funny I just shrug and try to hide my smirk behind my napkin; removing it to ask her how her afternoon was. She raises one shoulder and drops it again; screwing her mouth up as if to say that it was pretty shit.

"It got better when I saw you again though," Nikki grins before realising how cringey she sounded; collapsing into a fit of embarrassed giggles as I watch on. But maybe there's more to Nikki's lovey-dovey confession than she realises, because my day gets automatically better when I see her too; she makes me forget the shit from my past and takes all of the pain away. And that's why I love her.

The waiter comes over with our main courses and I nod at him appreciatively as he places a succulent beef steak adorned with roasted potatoes in front of me; thanking him as I allow the scent on the meat to fill me up. I cut through the meat carefully; stabbing a piece with my fork and raising it to my mouth; allowing it to move through my lips before chewing it slowly and then swallowing it. The resonant taste of well-cooked beef lingers in my mouth for some time after the beef's left it; complimented perfectly by the bottle of red wine that Nikki ordered for us to share.

The main course is over all too quickly; the waiter taking our now empty plates away before offering us a dessert menu and telling us that we've made an 'absolutely fantastic' choice as we select a large chocolate fudge sundae to share. It arrives pretty quickly and I smile at Nikki before tucking in; having a few mouthfuls myself before filling a spoon with ice-cream and winking at Nikki before moving it to her mouth as she moves her hand to rest on my knee.

Fortunately we receive no unwelcome visitors at the end of this meal and are able to pay our bill and leave without facing the humiliation of watching Christine's beady eye travel over the pair of us. I tell Nikki that I'll drop her off at her house before driving home to prepare for tomorrow's funeral, and so that is what I do; getting out of my car to walk her to the front door; moving in for a kiss to signify the end of a perfect date; pulling her into a close embrace on her doorstep as our lips move as one; our tongues dancing to the sounds of the night.

And then the kiss is over and she's going inside and I'm walking back to my car with a secret smile spreading across my face as I climb into my car and drive away. I stroll to my house briskly; letting myself in and locking the door behind me; walking through my hallway with the horrible feeling that something's terribly wrong. And it's only as I go into my kitchen that I realise what it is. Because all of the light's are on and someone's sitting on my favourite bar stool staring straight at me.

**This is going to be my last chapter for about a week as I'm going away to various places in England (so I'm still contactable). I don't have a laptop though so I'll be writing the final chapters by hand ready to type up and upload upon my return! Hope you guys have a lovely week! :)**


	65. Chapter 65

**Thanks for all of your lovely reviews on the last chapter - I felt so bad about not being able to update! Hope everyone's had a good week though!**

**This chapter proves that I shouldn't write dialogue. Apologies in advance.**

Sonya's face is ashen and gaunt as she stares at me from across the room; her bright blue eyes transfixed on mine as I slowly make my way towards her; curiosity pulsating throughout me as I ask my uninvited guest what she's doing in my house at such an hour.

"I...I wanted to see you..." Sonya confesses; shrugging her shoulder as her eager eyes scour my face; trying to read my expression. But I'm unreadable. Because hiding my emotions from the world is easier than wearing them on my sleeve with my scars. My emotionless persona is like armour; protecting me from the blows of society – keeping me safe but restricting me terribly.

"To see me about what, Son?" I snap; glaring at my little sister as she sits defenceless in the centre of the room; hoping that my irritated attitude will defer her from any more unwelcome impromptu visits to the house in which I hide because simply put I can't stand the sight of her. I can't stand the sight of my own blood staring at me and reminding me of the past I've fought so hard to leave behind; the past that's now staring me in the eye; forcing me to face it. But I'm too scared. So I look away.

"You know... for a bit of sister time... family time... before-"

"I'm not interested," I say sharply; cutting off Sonya's mousey squeak.

"Look Lorraine... I don't know what happened... one day you were fine and normal and shit and then the next day... the next day you were snogging the face off the new girl behind the rusty old bike rails and then after that... you weren't really you anymore..." Sonya trails off; perfectly aware that I'm not listening to a single word. Because I don't want her fucking excuses anymore; I just want her to make everything right again... But it's too late – isn't it? What happened happened. There's no going back. And that's why I shrug my shoulders at Sonya and gesture her towards the door; clearly signalling to her that she's not wanted. But Sonya isn't going to give up that easily.

"Mum loved you, Lo," Sonya looks up at me with tear-filled eyes. "And I love you too..."

"Well she had a funny way of showing it," I grunt; not commenting on the latter half of Sonya's 'confession'.

"She just wanted what was best for you..." Sonya trails off before finding a spark of inspiration and continuing. "...what was best for all of us..."

"And what was _best_ for all of us was sending me off to a fucking vicar?!" I glare at her; my voice raised in anger.

"To pray? To pray to be better..."

"He didn't make me pray, Son," I begin. "He... he..."

"He what?" Sonya folds her arms.

"He ra..." I try to spit the words out but they don't want to come; they've been buried inside me for so long that trying to force them out of my mouth is almost impossible. "He ra-ra-raped... me," I whisper; lowering my eyes to the ground in shame as I hear an incredulous gasp escape from Sonya's lips.

"But mum said..." Sonya struggles to find the right words.

"Mum said shit," I sigh. "And I guess I wanted to believe her so much that one day I did. I really believed that I had a chance of _getting better. _So I prayed. And I prayed... I thought that one day I'd wake up and everything would be like it was before. But it didn't happen. Of course it fucking didn't."

"Why didn't you say-"

"Why didn't I say anything?" I cut across Sonya sarcastically. "Would you say anything if it was you? You wouldn't understand..." And it's true; she doesn't have a clue what I'm on about and she never will... Not unless someone forces her warm body onto the cold ground and forces himself into her and takes away everything she thought she knew; banishing her to a cave of regret; encompassed by shame; living in constant fear of the past.

"Look Lorraine... I'm so sorry... I had no idea..."

"It wasn't your fault," I shrug; surprising even myself. Because I've never thought about blame before; I just blamed everyone in this fucked-up world for the shame I was forced to endure day after day – most of all myself. But it wasn't my fault, was it? I didn't _ask_ for any of this – I fucking prayed to God to take it away... but maybe he didn't hear it... or maybe he heard it and ignored it... or maybe there isn't a god at all...

We talk for a while after that; Son and I; about mum and dad and the people we used to know. My eyes are streaming with tears by the end of the night, but I don't wipe them; I just leave them trickling down my cheeks... and so does she.

And we're still crying as we climb into my bed hours later; falling asleep in each other's arms; Donnegan and Donnegan, sister and sister; united in grief. Our parents tore us apart in life and they're finally pulling us back together in death.


	66. Chapter 66

**This chapter takes us to 70 000 words (I think) woop woop! Thanks for all of your absolutely lovely reviews on the last chapter - hope you'll enjoy this one!**

**I've spent today watching Wentworth and it is fucking incredible so I'm off to watch Episode 4. Bye.**

I'm woken early by Sonya tugging on my arm; hissing at me to get up. I roll over to get away from her; screwing my eyes shut as I sink into the soft silk of my bed sheets; trying desperately to go back into the blissful simplicity of my dream world, but to no avail for Sonya seems determined to make me get up. And then I realise why.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck..." I moan; sitting bolt upright; rubbing the sleep out of my weary eyes and starting to panic as I remember the speech which I promised and failed to write. Fuck it... I'll have to make it up as I go along... or chicken out of it... or just not turn up at all... Except two of those options aren't really options at all because I made a promise and sure as hell I'll stick to it.

Sonya's going into the bathroom now and taking a bang with a black dress in it in with her. Fuck. The only black dress I have is the one which I wore to Tom's memorial assembly and I don't really want to wear that to the bloody funeral; baring my scars to her grave... the scars of the cuts she watched me inflict... encouraged me to inflict even – praying outside my door whilst I bled my life away inside. And I'm supposed to cry whilst they bury her body beside my dad's; mourning whilst they shovel dirt over her remains; suffocating her in death the same way she suffocated me in life. She belongs six feet under – six feet closer to the underworld; a place she can finally call home.

"Alright, sis?" Sonya grins at me as she strides out of the bathroom in some low-ct black mess. It's a terrible look, but at least her arms are smooth and tanned and scarless. Because she was the lucky one... the straight one... the one that wasn't destined to go to hell for liking the _wrong_ gender. And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't jealous of her... Jealous of my younger fucking sister for having the easy life; she falls in love with a bloke, marries him, has some babies and that's the end of it. It's been a few weeks since the bill for equal marriage and that shit was passed... what if they go back on it before I get the fucking chance to marry Nikki? I don't want to end up in a fucking civil partnership because my relationship with Nikki isn't _real enough_ for a marriage because there isn't a fucking _penis_ involved.

I stumble into my walk-in-wardrobe; determined to find something appropriate for this fucking funeral but there is absolutely nothing – only bleak, dull shades of maroon and yellow and blue; all purposefully chosen so as not to attract attention; to make me appear bland; keeping me in the shadows I called my home for so long.

This leaves me with two choices; to not go to the funeral at all or to go wearing that horrible black dress; leaving all of my scars in the open; unprotected... baring my soul to the howling wind as people cry over the body of a woman they never really knew at all. Because I knew the woman that nobody else did – I knew a woman that wept because I wasn't the daughter she wanted me to be; a woman that thought that forcing my hands together in a twisted prayer to a god that I didn't believe in would make everything go away; a woman who was wrong in all of her assumptions about me. And I grew up to loathe her; not for who she was, but for who I was when I was with her; a self-deprecating worthless piece of shit.

But it's not really a choice at all; is it? Because I can't back out now because I made a promise and I've got to keep it. I keep promises... I do... because I was brought up by people that didn't and I saw how much that hurt... I fucking felt it. My father swore he would protect me, but he led me to my execution. My mother vowed to keep me safe, but she just watched as they took me to the gallows. My vicar made a fucking oath to help me find God's _holy light_, but he just hung a noose around my neck and hanged me to death in the open air before taking me to a cave and burying me there. Fucking bastards; the lot of them. And I hate them all.

And so that's why I pull on my black dress; applying a thick layer of heavy black make-up around my eyes so that I look the part; acting as a mourner at the funeral of my dear mother; carefully tucking a packet of tissues into my pocket... not that I'm going to need them... I may be able to put on a sad face when I want to but I'm not going to leak fucking tears over my mother's grave the same way I leaked blood onto her carpet. Because she's not worth that... she's not worth that at all.

Then Sonya's leading me outside and taking my steady hand in her shaking one; sweat against skin as she leads me to the dark black vehicle by my gates; nodding at me to get in before following suit and turning around. There's a coffin behind us; a dark oak coffin. And as I watch Sonya start to weep over it I feel nothing. I don't give a shit that my _precious_ mother's lifeless body is less than a metre away from me. I don't really _need_ to say my goodbyes at all. Because I'll be seeing her in hell.


	67. Chapter 67

**I wrote this chapter in the car and I could barely read my own writing when I typed it up... Oops...**

"_Come not in terrors, as the King of kings,_

_But kind and good, with healing in thy wings;_

_Tears for all woes, a heart for every plea/_

_Come, Friend of sinners, thus abide with me."_

The assembled congregation dab their eyes with handkerchiefs as they sing the lyrics to my mother's favourite hymn; the one she asked to be sung at her funeral, but I'm simply unable to even pretend to cry; I'm just staring into the dark eyes of the vicar who's swaying solemnly at his pulpit; trying to read through his heavily lined face to learn about the man beneath the black clothing, white collar and silver cross. But I see nothing; he is empty; devoid of emotion... just like me. I wonder what he'd think of me if he knew the dirty little secret I've kept from the world for so long... would he smile as the demons dragged me down to hell; laughing as I continued my eternal torture in the underworld? Or could there possible be some compassion... some empathy? Because I didn't have a choice... I didn't ask to be a monster... I didn't get on my knees and pray to be like this... it just happened, okay? Well no... not really... of course it's not okay because I'm going to die in the cage of my mind – all alone with my thoughts and my demons and that's not how I want it to be. I just want to be able to go out onto the streets with a _real_ smile on my face and be _truly_ happy being myself... Is that really too much to ask for?

The vicar's standing up now, and making a speech about how great my mother was... as if he knew her at all... She didn't even know herself in the end for Christ's sake – how could this wrinkled old man have a clue?! He's just making it all up... to keep us happy I suppose... But it's a false happiness because it's all a load of shit, isn't it? A bit like my life really... I lied because it was easier to spit our bullshit to the ones closer to me than to tell them the miserable truth about the direction of my affections... easier to pretend to be 'normal' than to push away those who loved a fake version of me by admitting the shame that is my constant desire to have a _woman_ by my side.

Sonya's gesturing at me to speak now; giving me encouraging little glances as I get onto my unsteady feet; trembling as I make my slow way to the alter; clearing my throat over and over as I go. And then the vicar places a comforting hand on my shoulder and I feel my whole body freeze up in paralysing fear as a stain of shame spreads over my body. And I hate him... I really do... I hate him for reminding me of the hate I felt for the world... the hate I felt for myself... the hate I wallowed in for nineteen fucking years.

And when I finally regain feeling I turn to glare at him; pure hatred burning in my eyes as I fix them upon his; my mouth falling open in surprise as I see my horror reflected in his pupils. Because he knows. And he hates himself for it. And then he leans towards me and puts his mouth by my trembling ear; pain dripping from his voice as he whispers into it.

"You turned from God in your time of need, and I turned to him... And he's helped me a lot, you know... A lot more than you'd think..."

I smile a shaky smile at the vicar as he walks away; swallowing heavily as I turn to face the room; my hands quivering in fear as I see row after row of expectant faces staring straight at me; Sonya's heavily made-up, slightly pudgy one in the very centre of the front row; tears spilling down her face uncontrollably as she nervously bites her lip; her eyes imploring me to speak. And so I do.

"My mother was a good Christian woman," I begin; my voice trembling as my mind desperately searches for things to say... determined not to lie about my mother at her funeral. "And she was a nice woman too... she really was... She could smile when she wasn't happy, and laugh when all she really wanted to do was cry... Because she wanted the best for us – she wanted us to grow up into good Christian women too... But it wasn't that easy... But still she tried... she tried very hard... and I tried too. I tried to be the perfect daughter – the one she always wanted me to be... But it didn't work like that... and she didn't want to accept that... or maybe she couldn't... and then she grew older and I did too... and we grew apart... But I missed her – I really did... I missed her gap-toothed smile that could light up the whole room... I missed her arms holding me close and keeping me safe from the monsters under my bed... I missed her cool hand on my forehead when I was sick... And so I went running back to her the day she passed away... And I wanted to say a lot of things to her... I wanted to tell her that I forgave her for failing to protect me from the _real_ monsters... the ones lurking within the deep folds of my mind... but I couldn't... So I told her that I loved her. And she used her last breath to tell me that she loved me too. And now I miss her more than I ever did before." I take a deep breath. "Goodbye mum... Sleep tight..."

I glance quickly around the room as I finish and there's not a dry eye in the place. Even the vicar is sobbing quietly to himself as I step away from the pulpit; walking briskly back to my seat on the pew besides Sonya; sitting down and promptly bursting into tears... real tears... tears of pain. Because I've finally worked it out... worked out that I hated myself as an excuse not to hate everyone else... as an excuse not to hate the man who 'delivered me from evil – the man who ruined me.


	68. Chapter 68

**I can count the number of chapters left on one hand but jeez it's so hard to find inspiration for how to get to the finish hence this chapter is shit so apologies but thanks for your lovely reviews on my last chapter. And don't worry - there won't be any Wentworth spoilers though I am debating writing a Wentworth FanFic once I've finished this one (ie: some point this week hopefully). Have a lovely day! :)**

The rest of the funeral is a blur for me. I watch as they shovel dirt onto my mother's grave; burying her deep, deep down so that she's never coming back. I put a handkerchief to my face as the vicar recites some blessings over the fresh mound of earth that covers the body of a woman I loved and hated in equal measure. I make my excuses as Sonya invites me to a memorial lunch; dashing to my Ferrari and driving away before she gets the chance to argue because I'm simply not in the mood to hear a bunch of elderly people talk about how amazing my mother was without knowing her at all. I knew her enough to know that she wasn't the mother she could have been; the mother I needed to save me from falling down into the fiery depths of hell.

I drive straight to the school; bursting into Michael's office and having a quick conversation with him about finances before heading towards the PRU and my beautiful girlfriend who smiles as I approach; nodding her head to say that it's safe for me to come in and then resting her elbows on the table and leaning forwards as I open the door and make my way towards her; perching myself on the edge of her desk to get close to her.

"Where are the kids?" I raise an eyebrow.

"It's lunchtime Lorraine," Nikki laughs. "I don't have to keep them in here all day... wouldn't want to either come to think of it."

"So we've got this place to ourselves then?" I catch her eye and grin broadly.

"For now," Nikki tilts her head upwards towards mine and I lean towards her; my lips brushing softly against her own; my eyes fluttering shut as our tongues move against each other; my hand travelling to her cheek; pressing hard against it before moving down to be against her neck... her shoulder; wanting to feel her cool skin against my own; desperate for the electrical shockwaves that spread through me with every touch... every kiss.

And then Nikki's standing up and I'm slamming her body hard against the classroom wall; my hands flittering between her body and her neck; feeling warm blood pulsate through her jugular artery as I do so; her lips pressing hard against my own; occasionally moving away for air before coming back to mine faster and hotter than ever; her tongue dancing deliriously with my own; her hands wrapping around my torso; pulling me closer to her; our bodies moving against each other; writhing as one.

"This... is... pretty... reckless..." Nikki gasps between kisses; her bright cobalt eyes flickering open to stare straight into mine. And she's right of course, but I'm past the point of caring. I cared too much about what people thought of me for the last nineteen fucking years and now I couldn't give a shit because what does it matter what people think of me anymore? It's not about them. It's about me. Me and the person that I want to be; not the person that everyone else wants me to be. It's my life and not theirs so why should I listen to their bullshit telling me what to do and how to be? This is the way I was born and this is the way I'll die – I'm not going to let society dictate every fucking aspect of my sorry life; I'm not going to be pushed around anymore; I like girls and that's all there is to it. There's not going to be any turning... any changing my mind... it's just me and Nikki and the rhythm of our heartbeat.

"What's life without a bit of risk?" I wink subtly at her; my tongue gently tracing the outline of her teeth which move forward to bite my lip as my hand moves down to the curve of her back; gradually getting lower and lower until it's resting on her curvy backside.

"Not now Lo... not here... someone could walk in at any moment..." She's right again; this is horribly risky as it is and so I kiss her softly on the lips; moving to her ear and nibbling it gently before whispering into it and telling her that I'll be waiting for her at my house before kissing her one last time and slowly making my way out of the PRU; casting her a quick desiring glance before closing the door behind me and walking along the corridors to the car park amongst a few wolf-whistles from some of the pupil lingering about by the front door.

I climb into my car and quickly drive away to my house; taking the long route by the beach – there's no rush; Nikki won't get to mine for another few hours so I may as well try to enjoy some of life's beauties that I forgot about when I was trapped in my dark cave; held back by my fear of rejection by the world; thinking that keeping my demons to myself would perhaps save me from the cruel ways of the world. It didn't work though... and it never will.


	69. Chapter 69

**To whoever asked me what Wentworth was - it is an amazingly hot, dramatic, Australian female prison drama (Channel 5) and it is basically better than life. The first episode is on the 5Player thingy so go watch it now and thank me later! If anyone wants to fangirl over it with me then just dm me on Twitter (PotatoTheDani) and bonus points for anyone who guesses my favourite character ;)**

**Anyway... Wentworth aisde... thanks for your lovely reviews on my last chapter - this is the third last one and it is aptly numbered ;)**

I stop off by the butchers on my way home; purchasing some beef which I slowly start to roast when I get home; deciding that I'm going to cook Nikki a 'romantic meal' and laying the table with my best silver cutlery with a candle in the middle. Then I head upstairs and root through my walk-in-wardrobe; searching for the raunchiest black lingerie that I own; a lacy black bra with a matching near-see-through thong; glancing at my reflection in my mirror and cringing slightly at the sight of myself dressed in such a vulgar manner before pulling on a tight low-cut black dress because black is sexy, isn't it?

After applying a thin coat of make-up including deep crimson lipstick I patter downstairs; putting some potatoes into the oven to roast; praying that I've remembered everything my mother ever told me about preparing meals for visitors because I haven't cooked anything even slightly complicated for anybody in years... not even myself. It was easier to shove some ready-meal into the microwave or pick up some greasy fish and chips from the local chippy or eat out in local expensive restaurants than to do any cooking for myself, especially with all of the time and attention that my business needed in its early days to keep it running.

Nikki texts me a couple of hours later to tell me that she's on her way and I stick a few vegetables into the oven before searching in my wine cellar for a quality bottle of wine; eventually settling on a bottle of 2010 Châteauneuf-du-Pape and placing it in the centre of the table I laid earlier before moving to the window and waiting for her imminent arrival; smiling to myself as I see her walk down my drive; opening the front door to her with a massive grin on my face as my eyes travel down her body from the crisp yet tight white shirt stretching over her breasts to her dark jeans; planting a gentle kiss on her lips before stepping aside to let her in.

"Mmm... that smells good!" Nikki inhales deeply and looks around for the source of the scent of roasting beef.

"I've been cooking," I laugh; taking her hand and leading her through to my dining room; sitting her down and offering a glass of wine which she accepts gleefully. After pouring each of us a glass of the dark red wine I light the candle and move to the kitchen to fetch the roast I prepared earlier; placing a plate in front of Nikki before sitting down to enjoy my own; tasting it tentatively – terrified that I've messed something up like I always do... but Nikki lavishes me with compliments as we slowly chew on my well-done beef; her hand moving to my thigh as she allows her fork to clatter onto her plate. I place my cutlery down too, and then take her hand and lead her to my bedroom.

Nikki pushes me roughly back onto my bed; her hands moving to the back of my dress and slowly unzipping it as she presses her hot lips against mine; our bodies connected by all of the things that the kiss can't say as my dress falls to the floor; Nikki's azure eyes lighting up as she glances down at the racy underwear I chose earlier.

"You look hot, babe," she murmurs in my ear before moving down to my neck and biting it gently as I fumble with the buttons on her shirt; determined not to ruin another item of Nikki's clothing by tearing it off her; carefully pulling it away from her body and pressing mine against hers as she wriggles out of her trousers; wrapping her slim legs around mine; my eyes closing slowly as she moves her lips to mine and kisses me again; her tongue working furiously against mine as her arms wrap around my torso; pulling me into her as she pulls my bra off; moving her kiss my neck and burying her face in my cleavage as she kisses my breasts whilst I try to pull hers off; throwing it across the room as she moves her kiss back to my lips again before murmuring onto my lips.

"Let's not take turns tonight," her sapphire eyes flicker open as she gazes into my eyes longingly; mutual understanding passing between us as I pout my lips and nod in agreement; my eyes travelling down her body as she moves down the bed; pulling my black thong down as I strip her of her dark lacy underwear; my lips kissing her stomach gently and then harder; travelling down to her crotch as I feel Nikki do the same at the other end of the bed.

And then I can't think anymore; I can only feel, and all I want is to make her feel the same; my tongue working feverishly as I taste her; trying to savour the taste... the feeling... all of it... Moaning into Nikki's crotch as I try my hardest to make her feel as good as she's making me feel; waiting for her to crash over the edge as I move closer and closer to it myself before finally toppling over it into a cavern of ecstasy.

It's much, much later in the evening that I watch Nikki's eyes slowly start to droop; her head resting on the pillow next to mine; her hand lying across my stomach as she starts to fall into the world of beautiful dreams. And it's just a few moments before I join her.


	70. Chapter 70

**THE PENULTIMATE CHAPTER IS HERE! And it's shit... but that's not the point ;)**

**I've started a Wentworth Fic (Franky/Erica) for any Wentworth fans out there and I've also posted a Lorikki one-shot named after that pot plant that Nikki gave Christine...**

**Hope you like this chapter! :)**

"Morning beautiful," Nikki rolls over to face me; blissfully unaware that I've spent the last hour of so gazing lovingly at her perfect face; watching as she gently wiped a strand of soft black hair from her face whilst she slept; her chest gently rising and falling as she dreams. I wonder whether she dreams of me like I dream of her or whether her dreams take her far, far away to a magic land where she's safe from the storm. Because that's where my dreams take me; just me and her lying side by side in a meadow laughing and not giving a shit about anyone or anything except each other. And I like it there; it's safe but it's not about being safe anymore... it's about being happy, and no number of joy-filled trips to the world of my dreams will make my reality any happier. Because my reality is a _lie_. And I don't like lying at all.

Nikki's taken my face in her hands; caressing it carefully as she lowers her lips to mine; moving them slowly as her tongue slides gently against my own; the pace gradually building as the kiss intensifies; her arms wrapping around my body as I pull her closer to me; feeling her heart tremor against my breasts as she wraps one of her legs around mine; moving her body against mine; sweat tricking down her forehead as she starts to struggle for air against my slightly parted lips; gasping briefly before coming back down on me and moaning against my lips as her body thrives on my soft silk covers and I feel her get wet against me. And then she bites my lower lip hard; passionate before climaxing and crashing down on the bed next to me; her eyes open but unseeing; her lips opening and closing as she struggles to get breath. And she looks hot. And I like it.

We shower after that; Nikki and I; cool water crashing over our entwined bodies as we kiss; my hands on the back of her neck; her soaking hair dripping onto them as our tongues battle for dominance between us.

And then we're moving out of the shower and towelling ourselves off and pulling on clothes for the day ahead; Nikki not needing to borrow mine for a change; having brought some along herself this time. I select a sheer white shirt; not quite buttoning it up to the top and pairing it with a tight leather skirt; Nikki winking at me and nodding her approval as I pull it on. Then I select some black, red-heeled louboutins; grinning at Nikki as I strut over to her and place a kiss on her cheek before heading to my dressing table to brush my hair ready for the day ahead. And if Nikki was looking carefully she would notice my hand shaking as I try to brush my hair into an orderly state, but she doesn't and for that I am grateful.

I pour Nikki a glass of 'freshly-squeezed' orange juice for breakfast before asking her what she wants to eat. She asks for a piece of toast with jam and so I stick slices into the toaster; one for her and one for me; rooting about in my many cupboards for a jar of jam; smirking as I read the label: 'made with love'. I pour my heart and soul into my kisses and someone somewhere pours theirs out into a jar of jam... Each to their own...

Breakfast flies by and before I know it I'm taking Nikki by the hand and leading her to my Ferrari; opening a door for her and helping her to clamber in before moving round to the driver's side and getting in myself; white leather against black leather... poor girl with more money than sense. And then we're driving away; heading towards the school I love and hate in equal measure. The school I'm about to open up to... the school which terrifies me today more than ever.

The staffroom is gloomy as we enter it; with only Audrey's incessant chatter and garish dress lightening the mood as I offer to make Nikki a cup of coffee; just like I did the first day we met. I smile to myself at the memory of that fateful day. But I don't regret meeting Nikki... no not at all... I relish in our togetherness... I love it.

And then the staff are getting to their weary feet and traipsing out of the door one-by-one; groaning and moaning as they head off to collect the pupils for assembly. All too soon I'm following them; a lump in my throat as I head off to the hall; glancing up at the stage on which I will be stood in just a few minutes time; my heads trembling violently as the hall slowly starts to fill with pupils; Nikki's earnest smile in the front row telling me that everything's going to be alright. And I want to believe her. So I do.


	71. Chapter 71

"Today I'm going to talk to you about being gay," I begin; hearing titters from the assembled pupils as I take a deep breath before going on. "Yeah... that's right... I'm a dirty dyke – a filthy clitty-licker who kissed a girl and liked it. And some of you probably hate me for that... but don't think for a moment that you hate me more than I hated myself. Because you don't. I hated myself for years thinking that I'd done something wrong; trying to work out what I'd possibly done to deserve this death sentence of an undesired life of shame. But there was nothing... because this is how I was born and this is how I'll die. Some people think that being gay is a choice... ha! Who would _choose_ to be hated by the world for their most fundamental feelings? What kind of person would _want _to be shunned by society for something they had absolutely no control over? Not me... I can assure you of that... I hated my sexuality... almost as much as I hated myself.

"Perhaps some of you hate me for making this announcement; for telling you of the feelings I hid away from for so long... Well I ask you this; did you hate me when I stepped onto this stage... before I opened my lesbian gob and spilled the secrets I thought I'd buried away into the room? Probably not... but now you're staring at me like I'm a contaminated piece of filth because of something I cannot help. And it's true that I'm not the same person that walked into this room; I'm a stronger one... one that's not afraid to come out of her shell and air her thoughts and feelings to the world, but I like this Lorraine so so much more than I liked the old one... so why do you hate her? Because she's different to you? Because she's _gay_? I've been gay since the day you met me but you didn't hate me then so why do you hate me now? Perhaps you're terrified that I'm going to give you the 'gay disease'... or maybe try to turn you? Ha! If being turned was possible don't you think that I would have turned long ago rather than face the relentless ridicule that followed me since I first locked lips with another woman? It would have saved me the years of self-torment, pain and shame that came with being a homosexual in a homophobic world.

"I used to hate my sexuality more than I hated anything else; hiding away from it... pretending that it wasn't there at all... hoping that maybe one day it would just go away and I'd wake up and be straight and normal again. Normal. Why is it that we associate straight with normal because of words written in a book written long long ago? Why should it be abnormal for a man to like a man or a-"

"Because that makes him a fucking queer!" comes a snide yell from the corner of the room to raucous laughter which I try my hardest to ignore.

"That's unacceptable, derogatory homophobic language," I snarl. "And it will not be tolerated at this school any longer. How would you like to be the target of cruel jokes and incessant taunts for something you could not help... like your name... or the colour of your skin? Well that's how it felt for me when I was kicked to the ground, beaten into a pulp and told that I deserved to die. Except I made the mistake of believing them; I let them beat me into a worthless piece of shit... I made myself mad believing that I hadn't been punished enough for my unholy sin; beating myself up much worse than the bullies at my school ever did; spending a lot of my life scared, afraid and ashamed of myself.

"But I'm not ashamed anymore; you see... because I worked it out... worked out that there was nothing _wrong_ with me after all; it wasn't my problem – it was theirs. And I'm not scared of my emotions anymore either; I don't let them engulf me like I used to; I relish in them. Because I'm finally proud of who I am; the lesbian that no-one wanted me to be."

There's no applause as I walk off the stage, and just before I step out of sight I turn to see row after row of shocked faces which I scan; desperate to see Nikki's face. But it isn't there. And as I stumble down the steps leading off the stage I realise why; because she's backstage waiting for me and I fall into her waiting arms with tears streaming down my face. But they're not tears of sorrow at all; they're tears of joy. Because I'm not afraid anymore; I'm relieved... Relieved that I've finally stepped out from under my shelter; thrown my umbrella away and marched into the rain with my head held high; hearing it crashing down around me but not feeling it at all; rushing away from the life I once thought I knew and embracing a new one... a real one... tearing myself away from all of the lies I hid behind and finally starting to dance in the rain.

**Thank you very much for reading my FanFiction and for all of your amazing support and kind reviews - they really made all the difference; making me determined to keep on going when I was on the brink of giving up. I hope that you've enjoyed reading this as much as I've enjoyed writing it and that you all live the lives you want to; free from the constrictions that come with living under an umbrella of lies.**

_**Dani.**_


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